– Orientalism is declared hot while EALAC grad students get their freak on in the library.

– Uris Dining Hall’s new Salad Bureaucracy induces shortage of tiny yellow no. 2 pencils. Related: John Jay workers too sober to fold up fajitas.

– Barnard unveils its new student center to which architecture majors and Gothamists cry, “FUGLY!”

– SDA says Doritoes are like orange crack. Others wonder if the Columbia Insurance plan covers osteolytic sinusitis.

– The Destroyer! bus invades Broadway and is summarily destroyed.

– The Blue and White launches its February issue and we learn that campus publications are cliquey, while alarm clocks are radioactive.