How not to piss off your RA
Written by Bwog Staff
For all you needy first-years that want to get in with your R.A., heed the words of Resident Advisor alumnus Zachary Bendiner. Or be damned!
Ahoy, nubile class of 2010 !
As you endure the harrowing pop of your collegiate cherry, remember that you are never alone. When you are blubbering over your B+ on a University Writing paper, He shall be there. When you are trying to convince your roommate not to have sex in the shower, He shall be there. And when you are throwing lame parties in Carman, He shall be there—to bust your ass.
Yes, in many ways, your Resident Advisor is midwife to your college glories—the placenta in this case having abnormally high blood-alcohol-content. But unlike most midwives, an RA often wields his power like a billy club—ruining first-years’ hopes of drunken revelry. It need not be so. But how does the lowly first-year endear himself to this all-powerful, omniscient creature known as the Resident Advisor?
DO address him as the Egyptian sun god “Ra.”
DO use sexually and racially charged language. Like “Canuck” or “honey-buns.” After a day devoted to awkward and insulting diversity training, every RA rejoices in employing his newfound expertise.
DO keep your RA abreast of floorcest developments. This shall be one of his bitter-sweet joys, as living in first-year housing inevitably destroys an RA’s sex life. “Hey baaaaaby…wanna come back to my room? Yeah, that’s right, I gots a single—in Carman. Oh yeeeaaaah. [pelvic thrust] Wait, where are you going? Come back! Please?”
DO eat healthily. RAs respect a diet rich in roughage and exotic fruits.
“Don’ts” after the jump…
DON’T gather outside his door. If the unthinkable does occur, and a lady comes for a late night visit, she doesn’t want to run a gauntlet of 15 gossipy first-year girls in hot pants and retainers.
DON’T collect your urine in a jar for three weeks to see if it will glow in the dark. It doesn’t.
DON’T pour said jar of urine all over the floor.
DON’T call your RA at 8:00 in the God-forsaken morning to ask when the campus bookstore opens. It opens at 9 a.m. weekdays and 11 a.m. Now back to your room without any condoms!