How not to piss off your RA

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For all you needy first-years that want to get in with your R.A., heed the words of Resident Advisor alumnus Zachary Bendiner. Or be damned! 

ratipsAhoy, nubile class of 2010 !  

As you endure the harrowing pop of your collegiate cherry, remember that you are never alone. When you are blubbering over your B+ on a University Writing paper, He shall be there. When you are trying to convince your roommate not to have sex in the shower, He shall be there. And when you are throwing lame parties in Carman, He shall be there—to bust your ass. 

Yes, in many ways, your Resident Advisor is midwife to your college glories—the placenta in this case having abnormally high blood-alcohol-content. But unlike most midwives, an RA often wields his power like a billy club—ruining first-years’ hopes of drunken revelry.  It need not be so.  But how does the lowly first-year endear himself to this all-powerful, omniscient creature known as the Resident Advisor? 

DO address him as the Egyptian sun god “Ra.” 

DO use sexually and racially charged language. Like “Canuck” or “honey-buns.” After a day devoted to awkward and insulting diversity training, every RA rejoices in employing his newfound expertise. 

DO keep your RA abreast of floorcest developments.  This shall be one of his bitter-sweet joys, as living in first-year housing inevitably destroys an RA’s sex life. “Hey baaaaaby…wanna come back to my room?  Yeah, that’s right, I gots a single—in Carman. Oh yeeeaaaah. [pelvic thrust] Wait, where are you going? Come back! Please?”    

DO eat healthily.  RAs respect a diet rich in roughage and exotic fruits.

“Don’ts” after the jump…

DON’T gather outside his door.  If the unthinkable does occur, and a lady comes for a late night visit, she doesn’t want to run a gauntlet of 15 gossipy first-year girls in hot pants and retainers. 

DON’T collect your urine in a jar for three weeks to see if it will glow in the dark.  It doesn’t. 

DON’T pour said jar of urine all over the floor. 

DON’T call your RA at 8:00 in the God-forsaken morning to ask when the campus bookstore opens.  It opens at 9 a.m. weekdays and 11 a.m. Now back to your room without any condoms!

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  1. Erf

    Urine *does* glow under blacklight. Close enough.

  2. Anonymous

    check out this band for more making-fun-of-RA funniness: "the RA song"

    also: the RA poem from "undeclared,":
    "I know you feel like you have no friends here, but
    you and everyone on this floor are already starting
    with one friend. Me. Now I've written a poem
    about my job, I think it might help.
    (reading from a poem)
    If you enter my room full of tears, my hope is that
    you will leave with a smile. If you enter my room
    feeling like a stranger, my hope is that when you
    leave, we will know each other. If you enter my
    room glowing with love, my hope is to share in
    your warmth."
    let's analyze THAT literary gem in lit hum, huh?

  3. Erf?  

    If only you were Eric Furda explaining the luminous properties of urine...

  4. just wondering

    anyone else bored at butler?

  5. HEY

    Instead of this, can someone post a review of Jon Franzen's new book?

  6. JJ9er  

    I'd like to thank BWOG for the thinly veiled reference to Lawrence Sulak, the man, the myth, the legend who poured 3-week urine all through John Jay 9. Lawrence, thank you for proving that even though you did well on your SATs, some students just don't deserve to be here.

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