Few busy Columbia College students have the time to fully peruse their class presidents’ frequent and information-packed emails. Bwog is here to help. We’ve compiled and graded the best of your class and college presidents’ comments from their most recent appearances in our inbox, just in time for midterms. From the ’10s to the ’07s to Seth Flaxman, the grand-poobah of CCSC emails himself, here are selections from the bright young minds representing you:

Class of ’10

President: Mark Modesitt

Features: Appointment of about 18,000 Coordinators, plus a Historian

Choice quotes:

“Just to forewarn you, a lot of the blurbs I was given to add to this e-mail were quite lengthy, so I went ahead and summarized them.”

“Have you ever been locked out of your room in just a towel or underwear?”

Comments: Ah, the innocence of freshman year. Remember that social awkwardness that caused you to precede everything with caveats, or your surprise at seeing half-clad bodies wandering the halls? Mark, you take us back. A

Check out the rest after the jump…

Class of ’09

President: George Krebs

Features: Pop culture references, class chauvanism

Choice quotes:

“For mid-terms…I hope we all in ’09 outperform our brethren and sistren in the classes of ’07, ’08, and ’10, respectively.  And don’t forget, at the end of this dark mid-term tunnel, we all have something truly enjoyable to look forward to–your friend and mine, Diddy, is coming out with his highly anticipated new album, ‘Press Play,’ and it’s out TUESDAY!! Talk about some pleasurable tracks to study to…”

“Float like a butterfly sting like a bee you all!”

Comments: Oh George, George. Crow you may, but sophomores at this school are exiled to McBain for a reason. Though we wish you well in the first quarter of CC, it will still be some time before members of the class of ’09 are all able to spew, from the top of their heads, sentences like “the Foucaldian power-knowledge dynamic furthers the Othering paradigm in ways unparalleled by Engels’ concept of the dialectic”. That is the stuff of midterm champions. In the meantime, enjoy Diddy- and the shaft. B+

Class of ’08

President: Neda Navab

Features: Generic events, generic feel good rhetoric, generic MetroCard discounts on the first floor of Lerner that no other class got notice of…

Choice quote:

“More importantly, this week I felt the need to reassert how amazing our school is. To respect the rights of others to express their views is central to Columbia University. Our Alma Mater has always been a place where individuals can engage in debate over the most important issues of the day.  We are justifiably proud of the traditions here of intellectual inquiry, and we mustn’t forget that.”

Comments: We must not forget we are proud? We’re having crack Bwog philosophy majors look into the epistemological justification behind that one. Meanwhile, this missive has all the bravado of a focus group-tested PrezBo press release. B-

Class of ’07

President: David Chait

Features: Brevity, brusqueness, laconicism

Choice quote:

“In future Lerner Pubs (coming up later this month) look for an alcohol policy that allows YOU to chose when you consume your allotted drinks”

Comments: A bit preoccupied, David? Bwog struggled to find a hint of inspiration in your clipped, taut reports. Still, we thrill to your achievements. After last year’s CCSC victory in the epic War of the Baker Field Drinking Age Laws, you’ve now further cemented your firm commitment to alcoholic libertarianism. Cheers. A-


President: Seth Flaxman

Features: Irony, self-referentialism, irony, self-awareness, irony

Choice quotes:

“1. MIDTERM STUDY BREAKS (buckets of free food almost every day.)


3. DONATE BLOOD! (free food?!)”

“Yes, it is upon us. The Campus LiFe Committee will be pRoviding EndlEss buckets of free food to help sustain you through this difficult time.”

“NEVER SURRENDER TO MIDTERMS And never FeaR Emailing us”

Comments: When Olympian Zeus descended from the throne of the gods in the guise of a swan in order to rape unsuspecting mortals, little did he know his offspring would be the ironic wretchedry of Seth Flaxman’s random capitalization. In any case, one cannot help but admire Seth’s unimpeachable leadership skills, inspiring us to take on any rule of English grammar heretofore restraining all but ee cummings. Nor does Seth, appropriately, surrender to any of the sectarian sentiments of the sophomore class president. Seth, Bwog will fill three midterm blue books with musings on free food- in your honor. A

-Chris Szabla