So instead of adding punchlines to punchlines, we’re going to give you the funniest lines from the Fed articles we like. Peruse at your own risk/leisure.

ABC is a cabal of Scientologists—wait, no, I’m confusing them with The Eye again.

Impress them further by showing up at their parties with the most beautiful goat in all of Delphi on a leash.

The alleged murderer, also male, but not white, was apprehended two hours later in a Hamilton classroom, in the midst of a Lit Hum seminar where he was seen in a Bacchanalian frenzy, tearing a copy of The Garden Party to shreds and screaming, “Fourteen fucking dollars!” 

For example, “the part of Tiny Tim will be symbolically replaced by the proletariat.  The audience will play the part of the proletariat.  It is their job to shout, ‘God bless us, each and every one!’ after Bollinger is mauled to death.

Squirrel peace activists, however, have been demonstrating for weeks in front of the statue of Neptune, chanting, “No blood for nuts”

With a speed that defied her years, she came over to me and lifted my hair, exposing what I had sought most desperately to hide—my horns.