[email protected] you, TIDE stealer

Written by

This message found taped to an EC vending machine. Not that angry statements against laundry aggressors aren’t that novel, but this one’s pretty harsh…

laundrypicATTENTION:  To whoever stole my year-supply of TIDE detergent (w/Febreze):

I would like to tell you personally, that you are a douchebag. You couldn’t grab like a load’s-worth of detergent, you had to take the entire thing. When I went to go put in my last load of clothes, not only was my detergent gone, but the detergent machine ate my coins and my clothes are washing with no soap. I don’t even know you but this is already too expensive of an interaction. Who do you think you stole from? Not from a privileged republican athlete, you stole from a girl who is not wealthy and was trying to save money by buying her detergent in bulk. I hope i have the opportunity to meet you in person so that I can tell you to eat shit. (something crossed out) fuck you.



p.s. your mother should have had an abortion, you parasite.

To whoever is touring Columbia’s campus as a potential place for your son or daughter, do not come here. Your child’s detergent is not safe. And he/she will be going to school with malicious opportunists who have no class and no respect.

Kudos to Avishai Gebler for typing up the vitriol

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  1. opportunist  

    she sounds kinda hot...i've got some unused detergent right here under my bed

    • Wait

      what? I'm trying to determine the signs of hotness:

      (a) Doesn't have a lot of money
      (b) Apparently liberal
      (c) Uses the less-than-three-heart

      I'm gonna call it even.

      • opportunist  

        A girl with that much pent up rage inevitably has a kinky side to her. Plus she typed it in red/ hot pink. Akinky girls usually type in black. And she took her anger out in letter form, instead of going back to her room and consuming several dozen donuts; therefore she is probably thin. In addition, since she purchased and dragged around a year's worth of detergent, she is either really tight on money, or she has to clean her bedsheets A LOT. If it's the former, I'm willing to pay for teh buttsecks; if it's the latter, well, I win again. unless she's a bedwetter.

  2. Pfft  

    This is legitimately good rage lost to lukewarm writing. Seriously, she hopes to meet the thief in person, just to tell him/her to "eat shit." Think of the torture possibilities she could have elaborated upon.

  3. hmm  

    the fact that she typed up her message (at least it looks typed up from here) indicates the sheer intensity of her anger. she was willing to take time- during finals, in fact - to express her rage in typed form instead of merely scribbling a letter of contempt with pen and paper. this woman has been violated.

  4. ehh  

    Well, she's right that the guy who stole her detergent is an asshole, but why would you leave your detergent sitting around the laundry room unattended? Everyone does laundry, so everyone needs detergent and everyone uses the same three or four brands of detergent. It's a completely untraceable theft. She might as well have left her rolls of quarters sitting on the laundry machine with a post-it saying 'take me'. Someone with so much trust in the morality of her fellow residents is probably well served by the loss of her detergent. Better detergent than her computer, right?

    • DHI  

      Yeah, and why would you leave your clothes unguarded? Everybody wears clothes, so everybody needs clothing and everyone uses the same three or four basic articles of clothing. It's a difficult theft to trace. She might as well have left her clothes washing in the machine with a post-it saying "take us". Someone with so much trust in the morality of her fellow students would probably be well served by the loss of her clothing. Better clothes than her computer, right?

  5. Anonymous  

    A 'privileged republican athlete'? Where does the athlete come in? I wasn't aware they were particularly wealthy, or republican.

  6. i'm confused  

    1. Why does everyone assume the thief is male?

    2. How does the girl find an opportunity to insert politics into this obviously apolitical event?

    3. How am I going to pass finals?

  7. Hmmm  

    Wow, it is pathetic that someone would attempt to steal a giant bottle of detergent. Who does that really? Although, I have to say, after someone took a box of my dryer sheets that I accidentally left in the laundry room during the dry cycle two years ago, I hoped that I would one day walk in on someone trying to steal my laundry and promptly running sucker punch them and tell them what kind of good for nothing piece of crap they are. Yeah, it's a lot of rage, but jesus, you'd think the majority of students here would have enough money not to steal dryer sheets or detergent. Lazy POS.

  8. next thing  

    you know, they'll be stealing the coats off our backs as we walk home cross-campus, a la Gogol...

  9. hmmm  

    Haha, thanks for making me smile with that one #11, fantastic.

  10. no problem!  

    a poet always tries to lighten the mood. this place is so serious (and unsafe). rampant with thieves like 1001 nights

  11. you go girl

    tell that bastard/bitch who's boss!

  12. The Sufis say  

    there was a man in their midst who could not be robbed b/c the door disappeared every time the thieves approached it with the loot in their hands.

  13. i think  

    it's a joke

    I saw a similar rant, also concerning laundry detergent, something along the lines of: "it was still HALF-FULL! (NOT HALF-EMPTY!)", in the Wallach laundry room.

  14. athletes  

    are stinky they don't use detergent especially not with febreze

  15. there's no room  

    here for skeptics!

    a joke...sure thing. like most crimes: an invention of an idle mind.

    if you saw another such rant it's because this happens every day, and it could happen to you too.

  16. im hoping  

    it was denifer hes the stinkiest of them all...

  17. Hamburglar  

    It was me! Robble robble robble

  18. flea  

    Amazing how indications it's a girl bring forth a deluge of sexism. Asswipes.

  19. whatever  

    when you fuckers move out at the end of the year, i get all the leftover detergent. nice to live not far from school. you get to keep all the shit you wasteful fuckers throw out.

  20. keb  

    I am going abroad in 4 days and have a semesters worth of laundry detergent that I would happily donate to this young lady's cause.

  21. this girl needs it  


  22. Zappa Dappa Doo  

    Don't fool yerself girl
    It's goin right up yer poop chute

  23. Once

    someone stole my laundry hamper. And what's weirder is that the hamper was pretty gross and not at all steal-worthy.

  24. sometimes  

    maintenance throws shit out. I saw them collect a bunch of things once in garbage bags.

  25. Consider  

    When people leave detergent out in my building's laundry room, it has become common practice for others to borrow the soap. At the beginning of the year, I left a full container in the laundry, and ever since then have had no qualms about using whatever soap happened to be left around.

    Once, however, I absent-mindedly carried a container of detergent back up to my room after using some, and it wasn't until my next laundry washing a couple weeks later that I returned it.

  26. grammar  

    "to whoMever". Honestly, being all hot and bothered should not excuse you from this egregious grammatical error.

    • to "whoMever"  

      Obviously being hot and bothered did NOT affect her, but apparently it affected you. If you look at the clause, "whoever" is the subject of "whoever stole my ... detergent," and NOT the complement of "to." So please get off your incorrect grammarian high horse, because whenever you go pickin' on grammar like that, some bitch like me comes along and puts you back in your place.

      Now I await the inevitable place-putting in my case.

  27. wirc  

    I would agree with her if she weren't such a snooty, presumptuous bitch.

  28. wow

    DHI just KEEPS getting wittier.

  29. cripes  

    DHI, you need to take humor writing lessons.

  30. Anonymous  

    The laundry machines at Columbia are high efficiency washers. I don't spend more than $20-$25 a year on detergent, and my clothes are plenty clean- I play a sport too (more dirtier clothes). So just saying, for someone who is truly economical, it can't cost that much. And come on, you left it down there. I'm not saying it's not wrong, but seriously.

    • who are you  

      kts: "I play a sport too"

      you must be one of those dirty privileged republican athletes! I wish I had stolen from you.

      • Anonymous  

        You know it. In fact, I guess I neglected to mention the reason I spend so little on detergent is that not only can I afford it on my own, but I make it a point to steal from those less fortunate than I- just because I can. It might seem cruel, but if you put yourself in my shoes, I think you'll see the humor.

  31. duh  

    she should have saved the money she spent on a color cartrdige for her printer to buy more detergent...

  32. Hmmm  

    I saw a hairy fat dude stealing girl's thongs in the EC laundry room last yr. When i walked in and he was sniffing a pair of thongs he promptly ran past me and up the stairs.

    • disgusting  

      i hope you made that up.

      • not Hmmm  

        I know a dude who enjoys doing that, One of my friends saw this other guy we know (and dislike) carefully, slowly, and overly interested-ly removing some girls wet clothing from the washer, including various under-things. Turns out the girl was someone the perv knew, and when she walked in, My friend said the perv was like, ooh these are yours, thats hot. There are way too many creeps at this school sometimes

  33. creep  

    creepy crawlers, now those were cool.

  34. HEY  


    genius, no? b/c you love meta.

  35. Bemoaning  

    Did the collective sophistication of campus really drop as much during exams as this comment thread would seem to indicate?!

  36. That's  

    bullshit, the bwog staff are making this up to get attention (and to make up for lack of news), just like the nazi cracker incident. What's sadder is the amount of comment it has created.

  37. i'm pretty sure...

    that there are video cameras in the laundry rooms. and if not, this is evidence that there should be!

  38. hmmm  

    lmao!! that is a great rant... clearly the person who stole it wasn;t wealthy... i mean who steals detergent... the wealthy don;t even do their laundry.. they pay people to do it.. get your facts straight, lady.

  39. Sprinkles  

    Lion Laundry: So the pervs can sniff your thongs behind closed doors.

  40. Dryer sheets  

    I KNOW WHO DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  41. CK El Republicano  

    This is proper punishment for you support of abbortion..... BABY KILLER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  42. Dryer sheets  

    Its a big tall white dude that lives in the townhouses. dirty blonde hair. I think he lives in the suite of pike kids. I saw him take it but I dont know his name.

  43. the ivy league  

    is a fucking sports conferences, and this is a fucking blog; please act accordingly.

  44. lol

    This world has many interesting people I never hope to meet...

  45. Not the original...  

    ... grammarian, but still:

    So wait, if it's the subject, a self-addressed letter would read "To I"? Oh poo, I've been incorrectly writing "To me" on all my Post-Its.

  46. Wow

    This is a LOT of comments. Whooooooo!

  47. omg

    funniest thing of my life. this is the best school ever.

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