Apr

25

Decision Time

Written by

For all you prefrosh across America (don’t worry, you won’t actually be called a “frosh” when you get there), the time is coming to decide for college – in fact, you have less than a week left. To help you decide in a very unhelpful way (you’ll never  know for sure anyway), Bwog has compiled two lists:

You SHOULD come to Columbia if:

1. Lions are your favorite animal

2. You like big cities and small spaces

3.You can deal with both bureaucratic horseshit and your roommate growing mushrooms in horseshit.

4.(If Jewish) You got a cool yarmulke you want to show off.

5. You’re not enough of a tool to feel at home at Harvard, Yale, or Princeton.

6. You want to spend your money on a fake ID so you can spend more money on your alcohol.

7. You want to get your intellectual name-dropping down, so you can win arguments by saying things like “grip tha canon like Fanon”

8. You don’t mind pretentious kids who use words like “problematize,” “farcical,” and “diametrically” in every class comment.

You SHOULDN’T come here if:

1. You were traumatized by a Lion at a circus when you were eight, and never got over it.

2. You like small cities and big spaces

3. You never learned to deal with bureaucracy because you went to private school, and never dealt with farming because you grew up in a city or suburb.

4. (If Jewish) You’re not ready to be recruited by like, five fucking Hillels or something.   

5. You’re not enough of an asshole to feel at home here.

6. You want to spend money on furniture (because you think you’ll have a place to
put it)

7. You want to get your sports name-dropping down, so you can win arguments by saying things like “yeah, well we still kicked your ass in the Rose Bowl”

8. Your reaction to pretentious bullshit is so diametrically opposed to any non-farcical positive response that you can’t even begin to problematize it.

“You do not understand my words, but you must choose.”

– DHI

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26 Comments

  1. the prefrosh

    "fell at home?"

    • oof  

      You SHOULD come to Columbia if:
      you want to be around posters like #1 all the time.

      and as far as spec reports it, if you do want the mushrooms, you should go to barnard since they'll be growing in your hallway.

  2. GERF  

    Eat a camel's bunghole, prefrosh. Spelling Natioanl Socialists such as yourself aren't welcome here.

  3. hrrlh  

    funny stuff bwog!

  4. sooo true  

    "five fucking Hillels"
    hahahahha

  5. I chose  

    the ball. and your mother...in death

  6. gabe  

    david iscoe and jester are not funny

  7. Sprinkles  

    Number 5 for the win!

  8. Pablo Stump  

    Disco this article was great

  9. Jeser rules  

    and David Iscoe is the king of happiness.

  10. Also  

    Gabe Morris is still cranky over Jester's CUSJ prank.

    Long live the King of Spain.

  11. Nice  

    Shogun assasin reference

  12. nice ratm ref  

    ...and pass the shells to my classmates

  13. spawn of horseshit  

    if only i had known earlier! i'm going to go call your roommate.

  14. CUSJ  

    is printed in a sweatshop by underpaid work-study students.

  15. great post  

    funny stuff. this is why i keep checking bwog.

    • oh.  

      thats interesting i never thought about that perspective...
      i actually only check it because i have no life/dont do my work/am bored out of my mind. i guess that explains why most of my comments are meaningless, whiny, angry, or just plain starting shit

  16. well  

    DHI is just as terrible and horrible, if not worse, than CML.

    Please get rid of them both!

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