It’s always good to be an expert on something, even if that something is, well, nothing. Back in the day, during the Chad Crisis of the 2000 elections, Philosophy Professor Achille Varzi was apparently the go-to guy for insight into holes and what they’re all about. Brendan Ballou found a CNN transcript in which he gives his opinion about chads. Excerpt:


: These are the parts that have been removed from the doughnut before it became a doughnut. Now, of course, this is not the hole. The hole is what’s not there anymore.


: But doughnuts pale compare to ballots.

And that’s the least of it.