Sep

23

The Geraldo Chronicles

Written by

Geraldo Rivera was in front of the Broadway Gates tonight. So was Armin Rosen. 

 


When I saw a Fox News producer scouring College Walk for students willing to stand behind Geraldo Rivera during a live episode of Geraldo at Large, my thoughts instantly turned to the mustache. Specifically, I wondered whether and how such an aerodynamic and totally inexplicable article of facial hair actually exist on this earth. After spending the past hour a mere few feet away from one of the titans of sensationalist pseudo-journalism, I can say that yes, the stories are true. Hard as this may be to believe, the Geraldo mustache is no urban legend.

The Columbia journalism grad held court with a group of about 50 or 60 students and rubberneckers, shell shocked by the pairing of Geraldo frickin’ Rivera with a murderous president of Iran. So the mood was light, even if the topic and the passions involved were not.

“Nobody wave. You gotta swear to God nobody’ll wave” the mustachioed anchor instructed the rotating gaggle of students. “Don’t be dumb,” he added. “This isn’t NYU,” one girl retorted, although the most insulting line was Geraldo’s: “Don’t be nervous,” he instructed participants. “We’re not on 145th St.” Would that we were, Geraldo, so that we could postgame this over some hot jazz at St. Nick’s, rather than having to go straight from here to the dreary confines of the Butler reading room.

While Geraldo kept busy trading witticisms with audience members, onlookers hurriedly called friends and family. “I just called to say I’m 10 feet away from Geraldo Rivera” was one urgent report; meanwhile a man in a white SUV offered a booming holler of approval. “I love you Geraldo!” he shouted–although as the hour progressed, the venerable Mr. Rivera was showing signs of weakness. Just why was he wearing a pair of beat up New Balances? And what was with that odd, star-shaped tattoo on his hand?

“What’s with your tattoo?” asked one student. “Umm…yeah. So how ’bout that” he muttered, before deftly transitioning by declaring he will debate Glenn Beck on the Ahmadinejad invitation on tomorrow’s Good Morning America.

“Will you be debating O’Reilly again?” I shouted. From the man and his soaring hairdo I received no reply. And yet I can’t be too hard on him–everyone else took advantage of the opportunity for their own purposes as well. Chris Kulawik offered a quick endorsement of tomorrow’s event, while a gang of CU Dems unfurled a CU Dems banner. The guy with the Ten Commandments sign got on air. Ahmadinejad coming here is serious–Geraldo’s appearance tonight was comic relief.

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30 Comments

  1. Anonymous

    The columbia journalism school grad's name is bess kargman

  2. Anonymous

    Geraldo said he went to the J school but it doesn't seem to say that in his fox bio...anyone know what's up with that?

  3. just a guy  

    from the all knowing source of perfect information:
    "Rivera was born in Brooklyn, New York City, New York, the son of Lillian (née Friedman), a waitress, and Cruz Allen Riviera, a restaurant worker and cab driver.[2][3] Rivera's father was Puerto Rican and his mother was Jewish, and he was raised "mostly Jewish" and had a Bar Mitzvah.[4][5] He grew up in Brooklyn and West Babylon, New York. He is an alumnus of University of Arizona, where he played varsity lacrosse as goalie. From September 1961 to May 1963 he attended the State University of New York Maritime College, where he was a member of the rowing team.[6][7] He received his J.D. from Brooklyn Law School in 1969 and later attended Columbia University Graduate School of Journalism. He was a lawyer for a New York Puerto Rican activist group, the Young Lords, and attracted the attention of a news producer when he was interviewed about the group's occupation of a Harlem church in 1970. He is a member of Tau Delta Phi fraternity."
    (that's from wikipedia by the way so it might be wrong...geraldo could have written it twenty minutes ago)

  4. ???  

    Kulawik looks like he's wearing a bad wig. If he wants a career in punditry, he should take a TV hair lesson from Geraldo.

    • kulawik

      expresses a point of view on campus that needs to be expressed and a significant portion of the country share his political leanings. no need to hate.

      • Oh please  

        I appreciate the conservative position more than any of the morons masquerading as conservatives. Kuwalik may have the desire to be a social climber, but Edmund Burke he ain't. I'd prefer a competent conservative speak, and believe it or not, we actually have some. ON CAMPUS.

        • tru dat!  

          we are here and we are competent conservatives. the thing is, if we reveal ourselves we'll either get tarred and feathered or treated like a douche the way kulawik does

          • No you won't  

            You'll only get treated like a douche if you act like one. Which Kulawik did and does. Repeatedly. Probably daily, but I don't know him well enough to know for sure.

            And #21, as for getting involved with the modern conservative movement, you would actually put the campus Republicans at Columbia forth as an example? Moderate liberals is what I'd call the Republican Party and any of their grassroots lackeys, which is what Kulawik aspires to be. Republicans do more to expand government and spending more than Democrats, and you expect me to magically sign up because they label themselves "conservative?" Please.

            Libertarians meanwhile are a joke. They're basically hippies without the stench and the pot, not exactly fun fellows to be around, not to mention wildly inconsistent in their views. Once in a while I can meet a cool libertarian. It is never at a libertarian meeting though.

            Is keeping government small really that hard to understand? The left seems to understand our position better than we do.

          • please

            take your tripe back to kos cause you obviously aren't a conservative (the left understands it better? they want to increase taxes, increase non defense discretionary spending and would still be spending a ton on afghanistan and the war on terror while declaring our generals our guilty of treason)

            I love people always saying 'oh look the conservatives have expanded the govt--oh noes!!!' with prefacing it with the fact that we're in the midst of two wars and the vast majority of the increase in government spending hasn't come in discretionary non defense spending which is really what the issue for conservatives is

            The fact that you don't mention this mean you're a dishonest liar and probably just a dem trying to be a douche

            Otherwise, if you truly don't believe that its ever worth it to fund a war (and if you don't believe in afghanistan and iraq at the least i'll argue on principle you shouldn't believe in korea/vietnam/ww2/kosovo/etc) then you're a paleocon isolationist. That's fine, but its being a close minded jerk to try to deny the fact neocons can be conservatives too.

            You can fetishize 80's quotes about drowning government in a bathtub but both conservatives and liberals understand that hard and fast principles have to be reconciled with real world happenings.

            By the way, Kulawik might and probably is a douche--but you're definitely one.

          • Oh god  

            neocons are neither neo nor are they conservative. They are Nazis without the balls, the cold, deathlike efficiency, or the talent. Nazis had some conservative tendencies, but in terms of enlarging government, they were wildly liberal.

            Since you're a neocon, I went for the throat with my Nazi bag o'tricks It's only fair since you ended discussion by buying into the lie that neocons are conservative. But I will say this: A real conservative would never start an unnecessary war, not even against a tyrant. Even in that most glorious of wars, WWII, we needed a pretext. Afghanistan is and was fine, as far as wars can be, but Iraq is a joke and you know it. If you really want to be the police force of the world, then you NEED the United Nations. As you might say, that's fine, but just come out and say you're a liberal.

            p.s. Congress never declared war in either of these cases (although it would have been easy enough to do), and in choosing to ignore this central and fundamental tenant of the Constitution, you have proven just how fail you really are at being a conservative. Only a liberal could read the Patriot Act as a declaration of war.

          • cool

            so anybody who doesn't agree w/your definition of conservatism isn't a conservative and hence a nazi idiot

            And pragmatically calling afghanistan and iraq as anything but wars is silly even if congress didn't formally declare war--you're an utter retard then becuase you don't believe that we've been involved in war since WW2 (congress never declared war against North Korea, North Vietnam, or Kosovo / Yugoslavia)

            Thus if congress hasn't declared war and we aren't technically at war you can STFU about 'starting an unnecessary war' cause according to your own naive definition we aren't technically at war. Try to follow your own argument dipshit.

            However, if you want to play a textualist argument (again a retarded way to interpret the constitution--we've never had a SCOTUS justice with such an ideology) then i'll just reiterate that our increased spending is due to necessary 'conflicts' we're engaged in and that's the main source of expansion of govt. Notice how you conveniently avoided that whole part, which was the crux of your original argument---presumably becuase you realize somebody called you on you bs.

        • yawn

          so basically only you know the true conservatives? despite the fact that the republican club is probably the largest and most vociferous voice of conservatives on campus?

          Hey, I'm sorry if you doo't have the guts to speak out, but don't cry about the direction a movement heads in on campus if you refuse to even participate--kulawik must have done something right to get elected.

  5. hey bwog,  

    can you remind me where the simulcasts are happening?

  6. they're  

    in wien, john jay and south lawn

  7. The Truth  

    World leaders are beholden to our desires. You and I construct world policy, ignore the fools on television and the lies they tell and talk to someone who lived through it.

    Aw, who am I kidding? They talk pretty, me like hair.

  8. jeez

    kulawik has some REALLY bad acne

  9. holla2754  

    Why do conservatives hate this guy. He hates jews and fags. We should let him shit on these. At least hes not controlled by a isreali lobbying group in D.C.

  10. reallysickofthis

    That Geraldo thing was a complete joke. Whoever let that kid who was rambling on about Halo 3 talk is a moron...oh wait, that would be Geraldo. Hearing a CU student compare Islam to a race of evil aliens called "the Covenant" makes me more embarrassed to go to this school than any of the other bullshit and hoop-la that has been going on for the last week.

    • Oh god  

      Where is MasterChief!? We neeeed hm.

      But in all seriousness folks, now is the time the dark legends speak of. The time when the world turns against us. But do not despair. In this, our darkest of hours, America Jesus Hercules will rise from the giant pile of half-fucked baby Indian skulls, just outside Little Creek, South Dakota to vanquish our enemies. With hot lead. Shot from his dick. His bayonet dick.

      Those Nazilamists are gonna pay, amirite? Can I be on Fox news now?

  11. Hombre con Queso  

    I stood next to Geraldo. I don't like him. Except for his kick-ass mustache, he's an asshole.

    And yes, Halo 3 - Islam to the Covenant?? I was laughing when I heard that shit. I couldn't believe it. I was also in disbelief of the other ridiculous stories that he was covering in the segment. Sexual assault at McDonald's? Surely, Hitler #2 is more important than that. At least for the next week.

    Things will be completely normal at Columbia next week. But as for tomorrow, let's make that day special. =)

  12. bad post

    this report didn't include anything of substance. i get the point that geraldo's appearance was comical, but what did he have to say about the issue? i don't know what his opinions are and i was curious as i walked by tonight. i don't usually hate, but i get really frustrated reading armin's writing.

  13. Dean Schizer

    of the Law School disagrees w/this event..kind of suprising:

    http://www.jta.org/cgi-bin/iowa/breaking/104304.html

  14. j-school

    geraldo isn't technically a graduate of the j-school; he just attended a summer program there one year.

  15. amused  

    I bet everyone in the College Republicans hates Chris Kulawik & that he hates all of them.

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