It’s Never Too Early for an Oscars Retrospective

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Ostensibly, Oscar night is about rewarding “great” cinema (like the Oscar-nominated Norbit, for instance), but let’s be honest: the only real reason to watch the show is to see what everyone is wearing. Then again, you can always just skip the ceremony and peruse the reviews written by those poor souls who actually slogged through all the bombast. In the spirit of rehashing Hollywood’s most masturbatory night, a look at the Five Best and Five Worst Dressed at the show. Let’s play Joan Rivers!

Five Best Dressed: 

(Kindly note that I’m setting up an illusory sense of charity by putting these first, in keeping with the thinly veiled vitriol inherently underlying any look at award show fashion.)

#5 Helen Mirren

As always, a stunning silver fox. Ravishing in crimson. Sexy British matron par excellence. Shall we say… queenly?

#4 Renée Zellweger

It grieves me to say this because I have an inexplicable, deeply rooted dislike of Ms. Zellweger (she of the untrustworthy squint). A sprightly, silver sparkly sheath brings just the right touch of disco without veering into drag queen territory, which is an especially remarkable feat considering that new haircut.

#3 Saoirse Ronan

The little nominee that could: a diaphanous sea-foam confection just the right side of whimsical, Saoirse plays it age-appropriate without coming off like a creepy doll. (Take note, Dakota Fanning.)

#2 Amy Adams

If Ariel from The Little Mermaid wore minxy little green dresses instead of seems-normal-until-you-think-about-it clam halves. Retro, subdued, feminine: nice.

#1 Hugh Welchman

Our pal Hugh demonstrates the best way to accecsorize: Bring a little friend with you. 

Five Worst Dressed:

#5 Viggo Mortensen

Viggo, you, like Helen Mirren, are a silver fox (although, of course, you are not English or a woman). Don’t fight it—shave that thing off and we’ll forget this ever happened. However, feel free to dress up like Aragorn and walk around, because some of us would greatly appreciate that. Just without the beard.

#4 Tilda Swinton

If David Bowie were a batty Scottish aristocrat and felt the urge to glamourize a trash bag.

#3 Jessica Alba

Lackluster hair. 

#2 Ellen Page

Oof. What could have been a very cute dress fell victim to an unforgiving boxy shape.

#1 Rebecca “Daniel Day-Lewis’ wife and Arthur Miller’s granddaughter” Miller

No points for winner’s wife. Or zebra shoes.

– Martha Turewicz

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  1. Don't h8

    on Zellweger. She's awesome and her dress was the best of the evening.

  2. Foreign Oscar

    This year, let's award only non-Americans.

  3. The Oscars

    sucked. The French bitch ruined the show for me and I was hoping Clooney would win. Why are they always taken in by vapid hysteria and costumes? Whatever happened to subtle but spirited performances.

  4. marion cotillard  

    is gorgeous.

  5. i want

    Dan D'Addario's commentary. Please. It would be so good.

  6. DHI  

    Here are some awards that I agree with:
    Best Supporting Actor: Javier Bardem, Anton Chigurgh in No Country for Old Men
    Best Adapted Screenplay: Joel and Ethan Coen, No Country for Old Men
    Best Director: Joel and Ethan Coen, No Country for Old Men
    Best Picture: No Country for Old Men

  7. Bah

    Rebecca Miller is Arthur Miller's daughter, not his granddaughter.

  8. meh  

    thanks for this bwog! I couldn't go to the myriad of other websites (like you suggested). I'm glad the Columbia-themed blog had it.

  9. agreed

    Dan D'Addario is missed. This chick pales in comparison.

  10. enchanted  

    Chenoweth absolutely butchered what could have been the most entertaining performance of the night. (Cheesy 1990s Oscar musical numbers from Disney, we miss you dearly.) And I was too embarrassed for Amy Adams to care whether or not she actually did well.

    Yeah, all I cared about was a live action Disney princess movie.

  11. ooooh  

    Daniel Day-Lewis sure is preeetty though.

    As is Viggo, 99% of the time. He ever comes traipsing around the Columbia neighborhood sporting that thing and I'll punch him.

    Or worse yet, not recognize him. Just sayin'

  12. Ehh  

    Never understood the need for blogs to analyze the way celebrities dress, and make snide/sassy comments about them. I think that really is the lowest that humanity can sink to.

  13. hey  

    you stole this from gawker almost word for word just sayin

  14. Fantastic...  

    ...without costumes? Oh, I'm sure she is...

  15. Sadia  

    How have we not talked about Penelope Cruz yet? She's a dream, man...

  16. so...  

    When did Bwog start fashion blogging?
    Or, better question, why??

  17. Why

    is it that you must steal your jokes from Jon Stewart. The Norbit dig was strikingly unoriginal.

    • joke stealing  

      BWOG has been accused of copying posts from Gawker and stealing jokes from the daily show.

      They are also getting defensive to people that criticize them (rjt in #15, and alexw in the Dean post).

      So BWOG is not only unoriginal, but also very un-aloof. Not a very good combination for ivy league humor. The rise and fall of a snarky blog in just 2 years of existence.

      • Anonymous  

        I am not affiliated with the Bwog (or the Jester), and any dislike of me you have is misdirected if it's aimed at the Bwog (or the Jester). I was responding to what I saw as a hypocritical and cowardly comment and not because I have any investment in defending the Bwog.

  18. wait  

    rjt started the jester! and the fed! and the blue and white! and the spectator! and, and, and, he's my father!

    I am a publication.

  19. ellerie  

    It's interesting to note that Amy Adam's dress is of the same cut and color that Isla Fisher wore to the Academy Awards. While it's a stunning look on someone with red hair and porcelain skin.... it's hard to give best dressed accolades to someone who is so blatantly unoriginal.

    Can we substitute Cotillard's dress by Jean Paul Gaultier? Atleast that was couture and fabulously original.

    Plus, I thought Swinton's Lanvin dress was quite fabulous. It was fashion forward and an expression of her style, not Rachel Zoe's.

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