Ostensibly, Oscar night is about rewarding “great” cinema (like the Oscar-nominated Norbit, for instance), but let’s be honest: the only real reason to watch the show is to see what everyone is wearing. Then again, you can always just skip the ceremony and peruse the reviews written by those poor souls who actually slogged through all the bombast. In the spirit of rehashing Hollywood’s most masturbatory night, a look at the Five Best and Five Worst Dressed at the show. Let’s play Joan Rivers!

Five Best Dressed: 

(Kindly note that I’m setting up an illusory sense of charity by putting these first, in keeping with the thinly veiled vitriol inherently underlying any look at award show fashion.)

#5 Helen Mirren

As always, a stunning silver fox. Ravishing in crimson. Sexy British matron par excellence. Shall we say… queenly?

#4 Renée Zellweger

It grieves me to say this because I have an inexplicable, deeply rooted dislike of Ms. Zellweger (she of the untrustworthy squint). A sprightly, silver sparkly sheath brings just the right touch of disco without veering into drag queen territory, which is an especially remarkable feat considering that new haircut.

#3 Saoirse Ronan

The little nominee that could: a diaphanous sea-foam confection just the right side of whimsical, Saoirse plays it age-appropriate without coming off like a creepy doll. (Take note, Dakota Fanning.)

#2 Amy Adams

If Ariel from The Little Mermaid wore minxy little green dresses instead of seems-normal-until-you-think-about-it clam halves. Retro, subdued, feminine: nice.

#1 Hugh Welchman

Our pal Hugh demonstrates the best way to accecsorize: Bring a little friend with you. 

Five Worst Dressed:

#5 Viggo Mortensen

Viggo, you, like Helen Mirren, are a silver fox (although, of course, you are not English or a woman). Don’t fight it—shave that thing off and we’ll forget this ever happened. However, feel free to dress up like Aragorn and walk around, because some of us would greatly appreciate that. Just without the beard.

#4 Tilda Swinton

If David Bowie were a batty Scottish aristocrat and felt the urge to glamourize a trash bag.

#3 Jessica Alba

Lackluster hair. 

#2 Ellen Page

Oof. What could have been a very cute dress fell victim to an unforgiving boxy shape.

#1 Rebecca “Daniel Day-Lewis’ wife and Arthur Miller’s granddaughter” Miller

No points for winner’s wife. Or zebra shoes.

– Martha Turewicz