Breaking: All Starbucks Locations Shut Their Doors

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For the next two and a half hours, all Starbucks locations in the eastern U.S. will be closed. According to The New York Times, Starbucks needs the time to teach their employees new ways to use the coffee machines. Because, you know, there’s more than one. As to why this process will take a couple hours, Starbucks has remained cryptically and smugly quiet.

Meanwhile, the under-caffeinated sit patiently and wait during what is soon to be known to Blue Java employees as “the best day ever.”


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  1. the best day  

    ever? try the worst - those lazy fucks, no work ethic.

  2. vss  

    A commenter on the NYTimes blog linked to this:
    pretty funny.

  3. gah!  

    bwog you are so slow!

  4. bwog!  

    you didnt get the best part- dunkin donuts are lowering their prices during those hours!

  5. thanks bwog

    i can read nytimes blog for myself and get the scoop.

    the writers of which clearly read gawker who had this up two weeks ago.

    also, same fucking thing with commenter three who is copying a commenter from the times blog, who is copying a comment from gawker.

    moral of the story..

    prepare for phase 2, mother fuckers!

  6. Starducks

    This is perhaps the strangest business move I have ever seen. The only thing dumber would have been to stop dispensing coffee in the morning.

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