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Kilmer 2008 “Winners” Announced

Yesterday, the Philolexian Society announced the winner and runners-up of its 23rd annual Alfred Joyce Kilmer Memorial Bad Poetry Contest, named after journalist, poet, Philo member, and Spec editor Alfred Joyce Kilmer, CC class of 1908. Held every November, the contest selects the “best” (i.e. worst) poetry submissions, and there were some good (bad?) ones this year. The awards go to:

Stephen’s poem is after jump, and for the rest of the poems, hop on over to the Phlog. Bwog congratulates the “winners.”


“Anatomy” by Stephen Blair, CC ’11

The girl who sits in front of me

In Intro to Anatomy

Is lovely as the laurel tree

And with a glance could shatter me.

When first my sight did chance to light

Upon her curves so ample,

I threw away that book by Gray

To study her example.

For Beauty is the spark of knowledge

(Plato says nothing lesser),

And in Beauty’s prestigious college,

She is full professor.

So close your books, collegiate youth!

Forget Fermat’s equation!

Her beauty is the only truth:

One glance, an education.

Close up your books! Forget your Euler’s

Constant! Smash your lyre!

Unlearn your Latin! Snap your rulers!

Throw into the fire

Historians inveterate

And poets tragicomical:

For in her form hath Nature writ

Perfection anatomical.

One day I chanced to come to class

A minute or two early;

I found her there upon a chair,

Her hands entwined demurely,

Her hair pinned up (Ah, she could look

No lovelier than that to me!);

Her nose was buried in a book:

It was her Gray’s Anatomy.

No one was nigh save she and I,

Nor student nor professor;

In loving wise she raised her eyes,

And thus did I address her:

“O gentle lady, tell me: art

Thou god or art thou mortal?

For, ah! – my every aching part

Thy beauty sets achortle,

And fain would I conclude, thou art

A heaven-dwelling goddess.

But if a tender human heart

Doth beat within thy bodice,

Have pity on a lovelorn youth,

Love-maddened by your figure,

Beauty’s own image! (Though, in truth,

Your pelvis could be bigger,

But we’ll let that alone.) Oh, I

Could spend a lifetime gazing

On thee; how thy calcanei

Do set my marrow blazing!

How graceful thy navicula!

How lissome is thy femur!

How sweet is thy clavicula,

As sleep to the dreamer,

And how I’ve dreamt, with tearful eye,

That cradled in my lap you lay,

Whilst I did ply my humeri

About your snow-white scapulae!

O let me drape my radii

Across thy smooth patella

And plant a trembling kiss on thy

Superior maxilla,

And press your os frontale fast

Against my lovestruck sternum,

Send shivers running through my filum

Terminale internium!

In vain I vaunt your beauty, for

I have not words to tell it in;

But ne’er did I – nor shall I more

Behold so fine a skeleton.

For skin and hair may rip and tear

And Time our flesh may sever;

All mortal clay will soon decay,

But bones endure forever.”

Thus spake I – and she blushed! – but not

The blushing of a lover:

She seemed, with bubbling rage red-hot,

About to boil over.

Alas, how women change their moods,

And how their temper ranges!

For with a shriek she smote my cheek

With her distal phalanges.

A yellow bruise did straight suffuse

My cheek, where she had hit it,

And with an oath (which I am loth

T’repeat, so I omit it),

She said, “All men are of a par:

A lewd, lascivious lot,

As pesky as mosquitoes are,

And worthier to swat.

Hence from my sight! No closer come,”

She said, “by Saint Cecilia!

If men could use their cerebrum

Like their membra virilia!”

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34 Comments

  • After that... says:

    @After that... Stephen Blair can play Doctor on me anytime…

  • what says:

    @what no Stephan Vincenzo?

  • omg says:

    @omg that poem is long… but really good, actually. how did it win a bad poetry contest?

  • also says:

    @also according to phlog, it’s not “edward blair” but “edward a. rueda”

  • Is... says:

    @Is... Anyone else getting really spotty internet in the dorms?

    1. indeed says:

      @indeed i am. at barnard

    2. i am too says:

      @i am too but i’m connected via ethernet in hamilton. i have my network diagnostics window up in the background and “built-in ethernet”, “network settings”, and “ISP” are all green all the time, but “internet” and “server” fluctuate between green and red. it’s irritating.

    3. seconded says:

      @seconded in EC

    4. thirded says:

      @thirded In Mcbain

    5. fourthed says:

      @fourthed in sipa, although wireless is working ok here

  • bwog says:

    @bwog Its motherfucking booze time

    1. yes! says:

      @yes! i like where your head’s at.

  • why says:

    @why is an 05 grad still hanging around

    1. response says:

      @response Kilmer is open to both current students and alumni. The event is a big draw annually, but the alumni are generally philo alums.

  • fifthed says:

    @fifthed in avery.

  • lollers says:

    @lollers omg that poem is hilarz
    lolzzzzz

  • nerd says:

    @nerd I think DNS is being spotty – it’s not a generalized problem, and streaming video (which has already passed the DNS stage) works normally. So, one of the two DNS servers is probably down, or some moron tried to DOS them again and they’re busy processing a zillion requests and their CPUs are cooking.

  • sixthed says:

    @sixthed in Broadway.

    though it’s gotten better over the last hour.

    1. yes says:

      @yes it does seem to have been fixed. thank god.

    2. seventhed says:

      @seventhed in Wallach. It came back about an hour ago.

  • OMG says:

    @OMG THAT POEM IS BANGIN’!!!!!!! i love it

  • agreed with #3 says:

    @agreed with #3 this poem is great!

  • ... says:

    @... i love philo

  • 7thed says:

    @7thed in Peru.

    1. 8thed says:

      @8thed in hawkmadinejad’s lair.

  • lol says:

    @lol this poem is hilarious

  • dogg says:

    @dogg that poem was so beast, why’d it win a bad poemtry contest?

  • For the record says:

    @For the record Winners were announced at the end of the contest. They were just put online yesterday.

    Also, while Mr. Edward A. Rueda may be honored to be considered kin to the winner, he quite likely prefers to be called by his own name.

    1. James says:

      @James Fixed – sorry!

  • ut oh says:

    @ut oh euler does not rhyme with ruler

    1. poetic license says:

      @poetic license It doesn’t, but stephen pronounced it as you-ler, not oiler. then again, it is a “bad” poetry contest…

  • disgruntled says:

    @disgruntled damnit bwog. just when i really really want a distraction, you’re lazy and only have 2 posts for the day.

    SHAPE UP!

  • secret crush says:

    @secret crush on stephan .

  • shit says:

    @shit i never thought’d i’d see the word “xanga” again. fuck you bwog, haha.

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