To exams: Who were you fooling with all of those hours you spent in Butler last week? Not the good people at Cramster.com, apparently — the cheatsheet site reports more traffic from Columbia than any other school. So this is how you were using those WiFi maps.

To global warming: Emitted in Texas, sequestered in Memphis? A new map shows where rocks can store excess carbon dioxide. Watch out, Sprayregen: Columbia’s moving into the storage business, too.

To fat kids: The closer the fast food, the fatter the students. Considering the nearest McDonald’s is about five blocks from campus, Columbia might be in the clear, but just think what obesity rates must be like at Hamburger University. 

To costly journalism: Attention, bankrupt media outlets! The J-School wants your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning for a paycheck. Provided they submit three clips and a cover letter, of course.

To low attendance: People do actually watch sports at Columbia. Particularly women’s basketball. If you don’t believe us, check out this nifty press release.