Okay, so you have been in Butler for three days straight, living off Cup Noodle and the occasional funny YouTube videos that your bored friends have been sending you. But the pseudo-soup, dramatic prairie dog and ‘I’m on a Boat‘ are just not cutting it anymore. What is a poor finals studier to do? Bwog Slowly-Going-Insane Expert David Berke has some suggestions.
The answer is to learn the golden lesson of extreme boredom from DMV employees: when the going gets tough, fuck with people. Spice up your soulless hours of study with these mind games…none of which we endorse or take responsibility for.
The Larry Craig 2.0: While you’re in a bathroom stall and a neighboring stall is occupied, slide your foot under the divider a little bit. Then slip a piece of paper under the divider that says, ‘That means I want to have sex with you.’
Ipod Madness, Option One: You know those Butler-ites who play their Ipods so loud that you can hear the song lyrics across the room [ed. note: sorry]. Play this song at their volume and see how people react.
The Bad Steward, Option One:When someone asks you to watch their stuff, consent without looking them in the eye. Once they return, pretend you don’t know them and accuse them of trying to steal the computer.
The Cafe Bastard: Point to the muffin you want at Butler cafe, and, when the server leans in to grab it, say you were pointing to another one. Point to a different muffin. Then another. Then another. Only do this if you’re willing to risk losing your overpriced muffin in a wave of Butler cafe fury, and if you’re willing to admit to having no soul.
The Dreamer: Pretend to fall asleep on top of your textbook but then say things in your sleep. We recommend repeating ‘No, I mean that muffin…that muffin…that muffin’ or mumbling the words to this classic.
The Bad Steward, Option Two: When someone asks you to watch their stuff, shadily look around the room and not at someone. Then say, ‘Okay, but you have to be gone for at least twenty minutes.’
Ipod Madness, Option Two: Listen to Dead Prez and sing along. Also, try to be white when doing this.
Coordination Vacation: Sit with a bunch of friends in the same room, and, at exactly 9:31 PM and 11:47PM, you all slam your fists on the desks.
Damn the Mezzanine: Sit on the second level of any study room and throw paper planes at your friends below (probably not strangers, but I guess it depends how bored you are).