Update, 8/28: Remember that bizarro fire ritual (not this one) they do one night of NSOP? We hear that this year, that’s being replaced with a screening of Remember the Titans.

Freshmen-in-waiting, break out your day planners…now! The 2010 NSOP Committee released the precious schedule books today, which as always contain more mandatory Orientation activities and suggested socializing opportunities than a rational human being could, should, or would ever pack into a normal week, or, for that matter, a lifetime.

The full books are available for Barnard First-Years, Barnard Transfers, CC/SEAS First-Years and Transfers. There is also a CC/SEAS August 29th Schedule for International Students.

These are hefty tomes, over 100 pages each, but don’t worry, almost half of that’s ads. The NSOP Committee has painted this year’s books in industrial tones: it’s all black, with oddly placed brackets and fonts that your Architecture friends like to talk about.

If you want to know where to “stretch it out” with your fellow classmates with an early morning yoga class before a day of walking tours and lectures on college student health concerns, it can be a bit of a daunting task to glean all the information. So let Bwog break it down real easy for you with all the big events you should know:

  • Monday, August 30th:
    9 AM-11AM International Students Workshop. Probably a good idea if you want some help with the rather absurd immigration, employment, and banking problems international studies can lead to.
    2:30 PM-4 PM Convocation. PrezBo and the Deans want to talk at you for a while. It’s a big hoopla. Sidenote, any freshmen who start the band “PrezBo and the Deans” get brownie points. Bwog saw one of our esteemed acapella groups practicing “Roar, Lion, Roar” on the Sundial this afternoon.
    4 PM-4:15 PM Family Farewell. That’s right, you only get 15 minutes. They’re watching.
    4:15 PM-5 PM Meet Your Orientation Leaders. They’ll tell you more about the events you’ve already probably read about in this book.
    7 PM-8:30 PM Class Act. A little video and skits on life at Columbia. Featuring the Varsity Show, this is always an NSOP gem.
    Also, this is the exact timing of Barnard’s Convocation.
    8:30 PM-9:30 PM Barnard’s College Night. The Barnard NSOP Committee welcomes new students, shares words of wisdom. Followed from 10 PM-11 PM by Community Night I.
    9 PM-11 PM Welcome to the Residential Community. Meet the people you’ll live with. Listen to the awkward alcohol spiel. Get drunk!
    On the Barnard side of Broadway, prefix all subsequent forums and info sessions with Family, and the Bears will be doing it. But Barnardians will say goodbye to their folks at 3:30 PM and meet their OLs at 3:45 PM.

  • Tuesday, August 31st:
    9 AM-10:15 AM CC Academic Assembly. Dean Yatrakis, Professor Naeem, and Anna Feuer, CC’11, want you to think the Core is all you imagined it might be. Prof. Naeem is a good speaker, though, so you could do worse.
    CONCURRENTLY SEAS Academic Assembly. See above, apply SEAS language, and replace speakers for CC with Dean Friedman, Associate Dean McGourty, and company.
    10 AM-12 PM Being a Student at Barnard. Meet the deans and learn all about Barnard’s expectations of you. Alternative: Watch the Barnard storyline from last year’s Vshow. Same thing, right?
    Barnard will also be cycling OL groups through their Wellness Forum. We at CC envy your health services, so learn to enjoy them. Other such forums throughout the day for Barnardians.
    2 PM-4 PM Literature Humanities: The First Class. Professor Christina Christia Mercer gives a broad lecture on the Iliad. She wants you to bring your books. We don’t know why.
    8 PM-10 PM Barnard’s Community Night II. Learn all about the First-Year Focus and community standards.
    8:30 PM-10:30 PM Community Night Out. Go out and explore the city with the folks on your floor. Start making a good case now for why you should all go to Queens, because that’s the one borough they left out of the walking tours. Seems unfair.
  • Wednesday, September 1st:
    Various health, student, and career services fairs. Wander around, pick up freebies, read some pamphlets on Health Services and Go Ask Alice!
    First of the walking tours.
    1:30 PM-3 PM Barnard’s Charting the Course. First-Year Class Dean Lisa Hollibaugh tries to alleviate your academic fears by describing what your classes will be like.
    3 PM-5:30 PM Barnard’s Perspectives on Diversity. What it sounds like. Plus, “a live performance of The New Faces of America, a one woman show about what it is like for college students to live and thrive in a multicultural America.” All sensitive lessons are best learned through song and dance.
    7 PM-10 PM Community Forum. Gather to “celebrate our new community and honor the history of Columbia University.” We’d hate to ruin it for you, freshmen friends. You’ll have to learn what that means yourselves.
  • Thursday, September 2nd:
    More academic advising, security forums, Q+As galore.
    9:30 AM-11 AM Barnard’s Charting the Course. The second edition. Much the same as the first.
    11 AM-1 PM Barnard Alumna Book Club Lunch. “Share your thoughts about Mary Beth Keane’s The Walking People. Remember to bring your copy of the book so you can delve deeply into discussion!” The alliteration! It burns! Then from 1:30 PM-3:30 PM Keane makes an appearance to read from said book and chit chat with students.
    3:30 PM-6 PM Navigating Health Services. First a skit, or rather, “A hilarious look into the lives of first-year students trying to hang out, hook up, and fit in.” Followed immediately by Consent 101. SPOILER ALERT: Consent is Sexy.
    7 PM-11 PM New York City Event. This year’s event? Intrepid Sea, Air, and Space Museum. Peruse the exhibits and dance on the flight deck. Tagline for the event? “It’s on a boat.” It may be appropriate to ask right now how much of your NSOP experience was dictated by Andy Samberg videos.
  • Friday, September 3rd:
    Class council information sessions, more events for the international students, and a harbor cruise for Transfer, Visiting, and Combined Plan students. Because it is necessary they be able to spot each other. Also, information on an Iftar and a Shabbat dinner, if you are so inclined.
    12 PM-1 PM, or 1 PM-2 PM eBear Essentials. Dean Hollibaugh explains how the Internet works. Finally!
    2 PM-4 PM Barnard Commuter Social – “Mocktails” on the Roof. Because mocktails had to enter into NSOP somewhere. But it’s a good chance for Barnard students to get onto the roof of the Diana Center.
    9 PM-11 PM Open Mic Night. All acts are welcome, but the NSOP Committee specifically notes “dancing to ukulele to interpretive baking.” Okay. Who’s gonna cook and eat a bread bed onstage? We’d go to see that!
  • Saturday, September 4th:
    Walking tours, walking tours, walking tours! Also, Transfer, Visiting and Combined Plan students get to go and see The Lion King. But the tickets still cost $20.
    Note: The one walking tour that goes to Brooklyn is in Park Slope. That’s probably where you’ll live in 4 years!
    5 PM-7 PM Chillin’ and Grillin’. OMG we’re droppin’ Gs left and right! Actually, this is an introduction to Greek Life.
    5:30 PM-7:30 PM Barnard Commuter Night in NYC. Apparently “It’s a surprise!” So your guess: as good as ours.
  • Sunday, September 5th:
    9:30 AM-6:30 PM Meet and Greets. Come say hi to us! And the other student clubs. Yeah, them too, sure.
    Oh, and guess what? More walking tours!
    7:30 PM-10:30 PM Performance Showcase. A potpourri of all that sings, dances, makes dramatic faces, or anything of that sort, on campus.
  • Monday, September 6th:
    Even. More. Walking. Tours.
    8 PM-12 AM Welcome to JJ’s Place. The schedule also calls it “JJ’s Freedom Festival.” We recommend you go in woad and quote “Braveheart” all night long. Freedom!

Also, remember that your meal plans kick in on September 1st.