37 CommentsNever fear, Columbians. Dear Bwog has returned once again to help you solve your collegiate quandaries. This week, our favorite “heterosexual male Suzy May” tackles one of the tougher issues of college dating—what to do when the one you “love” is fading you out.
Dear Bwog,
After what I thought were three successful dates, this guy I thought really liked me started to cool down very quickly. No concrete plans, evasive texts, (“super busy”), even though the semester had barely begun, etc. I haven’t heard from him for two weeks now and having inquired, I know he’s not dating anyone new. I don’t want to push this or seem psycho, but I’m genuinely confused about what happened here. What’s wrong with guys?!
Sincerely,
Confuzzled in Furnald
Dear Confuzzled,
One thing we all often forget when dating is the simple fact that no matter how much one party might wish for it to be the case, every date will not necessarily lead to a relationship. Dating involves experimentation, and three dates does not a relationship make. But between the two extremes of the instant life-changing connection/immediate relationship status update and abysmal failure that results in a pretend emergency call from your emotionally unstable roommate halfway through your first drink, most dates actually go well.
You’re both dressed up, excited, and hoping for the best. Sure, there’ll be a few lulls here and there, but generally, you’ll experience laughter, conversation, and lots of smiling. Simply put, only train-wreck first dates don’t lead to a second. The reason not to do this again isn’t necessarily obvious.
Hard as it may be to hear, it takes a few tries to see if you and your date have chemistry, if there’s something there. Once might be a fluke; twice is encouraging though not necessarily a pattern, but if within three dates there are already signs of diminishing returns, that’s usually the point when things should cool off before feelings get hurt.
No, you didn’t do anything wrong. If life were a bout of speed dating, this brush-off would be the equivalent of him not checking your name on his card. In your case, the band-aid was pulled off very slowly, which, yeah, can be hurtful, and even a little cowardly, but to play devil’s advocate: face-to-face rejection is overrated. No one needs the emotional drainage of a breakup after three dates. I’m afraid that that apologetic, overly-friendly, nod-and-walk you’ll inevitably receive when running into him on College Walk will have to do.
Love,
Bwog
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37 Comments
@No Big Yes, he should have probably said something, but keep in mind it is no comment on you. One of two things happened:
1) You guys just aren’t right for each other, which is not the same as you are not good enough, or even that you did something wrong. You two are just looking for different things.
2) You didn’t put out fast enough for him – this does comment on you a little, but how it does is up to you. If you just want a casual fun thing and to get laid then yeah, change your game plan (which contrary to a lot of hootin’ and hollerin’ is totally ok for women too). However, if you want a relationship, just move on and be happy the guy wasn’t too persistent and really hurt you after he got what he wanted.
Chin up! I personally prefer the slow fade out as opposed to the LJBF talk. Less embarrassing and more potential for friendship. I also thrive on awkward encounters.
@i'm pretty sure... there’s an office somewhere in lerner for this.
@Stereotypical Gurlfriend Uh uh shuga you too good for him anyway!
@... i have a dating dilemma. it’s called “columbia university”
@Hooah Bwog, I stopped reading at this sentence: “Might as well pit ‘Seinfeld’ against ‘According to Jim’ in a “which is the better sitcom” contest.”
You owe Jerry and Larry an apology.
@Anonymous Fact: more cleavage=more dates
lesson learned…
@CC 11 It fizzled, that’s all. It doesn’t mean it went badly, it doesn’t mean something went wrong, it doesn’t mean someone made a mistake. No big deal, it is what it is.
@Wow This exact same thing happened to me too! I got over it by re-watching He’s Just Not That Into You. I think a quasi-break-up would have been more courteous. Leaving one hanging is not very nice.
@Yuh-uh! I mean, I’ve been on the other side of that. Shit editing aside, I really feel like the article gets it.
It’s really awkward to end something that’s not really…anything yet. It’s almost like you’re ending any chance for a friendship.
letting it fade is easier on both parties…
@it happens He’s just not that into you. Sorry love!! Next!
@Dr. Love on Laying Pipe Don’t blame the guy, blame the collective consciousness of the female student body at Barnard and Columbia and the hyper-feminist attitude that is running rampant across campus. The guy sounds like he recently achieved a state of enlightenment and joined the fraternal order of the national orginaztion of men against amazonian masterhood, otherwise known as NO MA’AM. To get this guy back on track you will need to do these things 1) Transfer to state school to reduce your sense of entitlement 2) graduate and attend state law school 3) land good paying lawyer job on the UES 4) Acquire lease for an awesome apartment 5) begin to hate the 9-5 grind and realize already successful men want bimbo trophy wives, not overachieving feminists 6) Wallow in depression while waiting for him at happy hour in a wine bar on the UES for him to show up (if your lucky he will still be in grad school and been playing the UES game, and will put up with your attitude because you are rich, have sick pad, and have realized putting out keeps a guy around) 7) he’s yours, at least until he achieves his own adequate level of success.
Or you could simply avoid all of this, find a new guy to go out with and put out when he drops 20$ at Mels Burgers on you while listening to you yammer about your world views.
@columbia guy well…I guess we all know who’s a bit too much of an asshole to be getting any.
@Dr. Love on Laying Pipe Lesson one: nice guys don’t get laid much, that kind of attitude will send you to the friend zone, where you’ll spend months maybe even years trying to get those panties off.
Lesson two: acquire cocky sexist attitude, girls will become strangely aroused by your confidence, meanwhile becoming engrossed in thoughts about you in how to change you for the better, so when you do fake like you changed they equate it to progress and reward you with their extra horniness.
Lesson three: When she realizes your an asshole, find a new girl with the confidence in knowing that there are 5.5 million chicks in this city and Columbia dick is in demand
@can't say i disagree with him. there is definitely truth in his words.
sincerely,
nice guy turned into a dick
@awkward bro nice guys get laid enough. If things fall into the friend zone, it means you just don’t know what you are doing
@CC'13 oh god, columbia dick is in demand? what a sad thought, considering most guys here don’t seem to know what to do with theirs.
@Yuh-uh! You rub it between her tights until it sneezes, right?
@... it’s even more sad considering all the porn they’ve seen.
@Anonymous By any chance, is your name Mystery and do you wear a retarded hat?
@Professor Apathy I believe that what Dr. Love meant to say was, “I spend most of my time masturbating and have crippling Mommy Issues.”
@SYNTAX “three dates does not a relationship make”
Bwog, please proofread
@Anonymous There is nothing wrong with that syntax
@true but are they trying to channel Shakespeare or something?
@oy vey people are here are so stiff
@hhaha dumbass
@Typo Might as well pit ‘Seinfeld’ against ‘According to Jim’ in a “which is the better sitcom” contest.
Please, According to Jim isn’t even in the same league as Seinfeld.
@the jerk store called they’re running out of you!
@same “I’m afraid that that … I’m afraid.”
@typo “every date will necessarily lead to a relationship”…?
@Anonymous I’m afraid the last sentence might need another look as well, I’m afraid.
@David Thanks for keeping us on our toes! I’m afraid a pre-edited version accidentally got published, I’m afraid.
@I... …see what you did there. Clever.
@don't you have copy editors, bwog?
@Claire Yes but we also have homework! Thanks for your support!
@Anonymous why can’t we do thumbs up/down for the mods
@Hey I’ll take you out on 4 dates.
@Oh yea another note What entitles bwog to be the central place to get advice on dating? They’re the nerdiest things on campus, no action whatsoever.