Olmec, so says Wikimedia
The following is my stream of consciousness while trying to write a paper in 209:
Curse you cursor, mocking my mindlessness and blinking before my blank screen! That grad student sitting across from me is revealing a little too much chest hair. When did unbuttoning the top three buttons become acceptable? Now he’s twirling his pen. He’s got skills. Damn, I wish I could twirl a pen like that… The powers that be should create stilts to prop open eyelids… I have to fart… Whatever happened to Ja Rule …and Legends of the Hidden Temple?
So I’m no Virginia Woolf, but here’s the deal: I have a ton of shit to do. Out of nowhere, I was hit with a boatload of work. Wanna do it for me?
Dear Seriously Screwed,
First things first, people don’t go to Butler 209 to study; they go to be seen studying. And you have things to do, so leave now. While you’re ascending the Butler steps, stare up into the knowing eyes of Butler himself. He made it, and so can you, my friend.
Now don’t go sitting next to someone hot. You may think that sitting across from someone attractive will make you want to look studious and therefore you will be studious. But you are wrong.
Find a space? Good. Now, we could tell you to load up on caffeine and crank it out, but that wouldn’t be too inspirational. Instead, take 5 minutes to go outside and walk briskly around that narrow grassy knoll between the two lawns. Just do it. You deserve it, pal.
So now you’re back in your seat. Devote the next 15 minutes to writing whatever random ideas you’ve got bobbing around that insightful brain of yours. Ellipses are your friend; you’re not engraving this anywhere. Just type like you’re taking one of those Words Per Minute tests—the ones you sometimes use to procrastinate, except now you’re actually working.
Wow, look at that! You have some words on a page. Kudos! Now print out your jumbled jargon and grab a writing utensil. Sometimes it’s really fun to write with a colorful pen. Why assault your precious retinas with grading-pen red when you can opt for sea-foam blue? Draw lines and squiggles to start connecting and organizing your ideas. Now you have a rough outline. You’re such a champ!
Don’t forget that you go to Columbia. And that’s pretty fucking cool. Remember back in the day when you first saw Butler and thought, “I’m going to think big things in there.” Or maybe you didn’t think that. Anywho, momentous contemplation went down right here. According to Aristotle, that should be pretty pleasurable. So, throw yourself into your thoughts the way all those happy philosophers did.
P.S. Adderall is for pussies.
Photo via Wikimedia Commons