#dear bwog
Ask Bwog: One Day More (Of Finals)
Just tip!

Just tip!

We know it’s a little late in the game to answer questions about how to survive finals week, but Bwog still loves dispensing advice. Ask Bwog is back to help you figure out how to deal with burnout, bad grades, and caffeination.

What should I do if I have a headache because of too much caffeine, but I don’t want to drink water because I don’t want to have to pee during my final?
First of all, dehydration is a real problem. Do you want me to detail the physiological process that happen when you stop drinking water? Cause I’ve been studying for Mowshowitz’s bio for the last few days and I know this shit. The concentration of salt (osmolarity) of your blood will increase because of the combination of less water coming into your body and more water being excreted as stress sweat. And then you excrete less urine to keep more water in the blood. Not necessarily a bad thing, but remember that your brain needs blood too, and that could make brain function go down. You have three hours to take an exam: that is definitely going to give you enough time to take the occasional urination break. Drink water to keep caffeine headaches away.

Why can I only drink two 5-hr energies a day. What happens if I drink 3?
Here I will redirect you to the MSDS for Caffeine. I’ll also spare you the pain of actually having to read through it and just tell you that the LD50 or acute oral toxicity of pure caffeine is 127 mg/kg. Those tiny energy shots contain around 200 mg each. So unless you weigh less than 5 kg (unlikely), 3 probably won’t have any adverse effects besides making you too shaky to function. However there are other chemicals in 5 hour energy so I would stick to the 2 bottle limit: you really don’t want to start having heart palpitations in the middle of a final. You could always, you know, take a nap or something.

What should I do if I fail my final. What do I tell my friends in the class instead of the truth?
If your friends pressure you to tell them your grade then they suck because it’s really none of their business. If they want to tell you what they got, that’s up to them. You can either flat-out tell them to gtfo and stfu or take a more subtle approach:

  • Talk about another class, maybe one you know THEY did badly in.
  • If they refuse to stop talking about the shared class, discuss the final without talking about actual grades. Maybe bring up topics you thought should have been covered, questions you thought were easy or difficult, or talk about the one question you got right and show them that exam page only. They’ll never know you didn’t do as well on the rest of the exam!
  • Complain about the professor.
  • Rave about how amazing the professor was and how much you’ll miss them.
  • Ask them if they want to get JJs.

I still have two more finals on Thursday but I’m DONE mentally. How can I force myself to keep going?
You really can’t force yourself to do anything. Burnout is a real thing: you’ve been working hard all semester and probably have already gotten through the majority of your final projects and exams. So take a break. Go on a run, sit outside and do absolutely nothing, or call your mom. And that way when you get back to studying you will be somewhat refreshed, and even more panicked by deadlines. Whatever you do, don’t think about where you’ll be next week.

Shameless self-promotion via Shutterstock

Dear Bwog: Emotional Cheating
So close and yet so far

So close and yet so far

In our ongoing attempt to be your best friend/gossip magazine, we bring you the latest installment in People Who Tip Bwog For Relationship Advice. Tonight, the ever-pesky problem that is “emotions.”

Dear Bwog,

Do you consider emotionally cheating a real thing? If you are in a relationship, and you have some kind of ongoing emotional thing (no sex) with another person, are you considered a cheater?

Dear Breaksgiver (we’re making an educated guess here),

Doesn’t asking Bwog answer your question already? An emotional relationship or a real relationship (whatever that is nowadays) might very well be one and the same thing. After all, shouldn’t all relationships be based on emotions first and foremost (love, hate, like, dislike, and so on)? The only non-relationship, really, is indifference. Now, are you indifferent?

In the context of a romantic relationship; feelings are feelings and though some might be actualized through gestures such as “hooking up” (whatever the hell that means), others may not. But that most definitely does not make them less real.

Though Bwog failed to post advice on Breaksgiving (as Bwog was having a break (up) itself), maybe it’s time to reconsider one of your two relationships. If you feel that one of your two emotional relationships is more powerful, stick to it…or switch to it, depending on your decision!

It might very well be possible to have feelings for two (or more?!) individuals, and whether you pick Jacob, Harry, or Rob Pattinson is up to you. Bwog’s pulling for Team Jennifer Lawrence. Follow your heart, but as of now, it sounds like we both know you are cheating in some metaphysical way. And yes, that counts.

Peace and choose well.

Bwog, single and loving it.

It ain’t gotta be like that via Shutterstock

Dear Bwog: DilDOs and DilDON’Ts
"Did someone say they have a dildo they need to be cleaned?"

“Did someone say they have a dildo that needs to be cleaned?”

Because Bwog is totally not feeding the trolls your Seventeen Magazine, we’ve decided to field any and all pleas for help sent in to our anonymous tip form or tips@bwog.com. If you or “a friend” have anything to ask Momma Bwog about, send it in and we’ll offer shady advice the best we’ve got. Up today: dildo care.

The Question

bwog. I need to leave my strapon out after washing it (to let it dry) because cleaner sex is safer sex, right? where do I put it? in a double. help.

The Answer

First, I’m going to assume that said strapon is used for some form of penetrative sex with a partner and not just on yourself. This means that when you wash it, unless you’re using it with a condom or the same partner, you’ll need to boil it to completely disinfect (assuming that you’re working with 100% silicone. If you’re not working with 100% silicone, I’d highly suggest investing in something that is, purchased from a local sex toy retailer or online, if you want to deal with the package center). If you are just using it on yourself or with a single partner (and you’ve both been tested), simply washing with warm soap and water should suffice, although disinfecting never hurts. Also, don’t forget to clean the harness! If it’s washable, throw it in with your laundry. If it’s leather, wipe that shit down.

Bwog is always there for you

Dear Bwog: Harry and Sally
Who knows, if you follow Bwog's advice, you could be here too!

Who knows, if you follow Bwog’s advice, you could be here too!

Once again, Bwog’s here to give you our world-renown relationship advice. Your friendly neighborhood Alexandra Svokos tackles this one. If you need advice, email tips@bwog.com or use our anonymous tip form, as this tipster did.

Hey Bwog,

I need some help over here. I think I have feelings for my best friend. I’m actually really stressed about it and I have no idea what to do. Here’s how I look at it: if I say something, I might ruin our friendship (which would be really shitty) because what if he doesn’t feel the same thing? In which case I would just look super dumb and then hanging out would be the most awkward thing in the entire world. And even if he does feel the same thing, I’ll probably still lose him in the long run (provided we run the course of a normal relationship). I realize that’s a super cynical way to look at it but I’m trying to be realistic before I possibly destroy our friendship.

Anyway, the only alternative is keeping quiet but Bwog, this is literally eating away at me. Okay, not literally (because ew), but you know what I mean. I can’t do this anymore and I see him all the time and it’s at the point that it’s giving me stomachaches. Lemme tell ya, stress stomachaches are a thing.

I have no idea what to do. Bwog please please please help me before I explode!

Much love,

Stressed as Shit

Momma Bwog’s response after the jump

Dear Bwog: CPS Edition
These smiling people have your best interest in mind.

These beautiful people have your best interest in mind.

This past week Bwog received an email from a fellow student in need of a little guidance:

Can you write about CPS and mandatory leaves of absence? I’m nervous that if I talk to them about depression related issues, I will have to leave school.

Bwog cares immensely about student wellness and mental health on campus, which is why it’s decided to kick off a two-part series on navigating Columbia Psychological Services. This is an issue that hides beneath our gleaming columns and that many find difficult to confront head on, but it is an issue that affects nearly half of all students at Columbia, according to statistics from CPS. It is unfortunate, then, that so many people find themselves overwhelmed and confused by how to actually go about seeking help. That’s why in the coming week, this Bwogger will be working on compiling an insider’s guide to CPS policy and services.

But in the meantime, I’d like to give a quick answer to our tipster.

CPS is a place full of people who are here to help you. It can be a scary process to open up to someone you’ve never met before, but you have to trust that they have your best interests at heart. (That has certainly been my experience.) When you first contact CPS, you should call (212) 854-2878 for an appointment.A psychologist will ask you a few initial intake questions and evaluate your current mental state. After that, they’ll help you schedule an appointment at CPS’s main office on the 8th floor of Lerner. It might be awhile before you’re able to be seen. That’s not because they don’t care, but because of a large demand for service and a rather small staff to provide it. You should feel free to talk about anything and everything that is on your mind. I know that I have opened up about feeling hopeless, paranoid that I couldn’t trust my counselor, anxious about coming in, unsure that anything was worth it. They were always there to listen.

You didn’t explicitly mention self-harm and I’m working on finding more information on CPS’s policy regarding this issue, but it is my opinion that you should express 100% of how you feel no matter what. Sometimes it’s difficult to admit that we need to take some time for ourselves, and it’s something I’ve personally had to consider. Ultimately, you just have to be honest with yourself and understand that no class, grade, or semester is worth your happiness and physical well-being. Do whatever it is you need to do. Then come back and kick ass.

For anyone else who feels like they need to talk with someone we have provided a list of important numbers as well as a chart showing all CPS drop-in locations and times below. Remember, this too will pass. And no matter what, Bwog still loves you.

People who care via Columbia CPS

Dear Bwog: Out Of Love With New York
Gloomy pic to match the gloomy day

Gloomy pic to match the gloomy day

Last week, Bwog received this disheartening email with the subject line reading “help bwog :(.”  In the spirit of kindness and we’ve-all-been-there-ness, Aspiring Advisor Kyra Bloom tried her hand at some sage words. Chip in (nicely, please!) in the comments with your own thoughts.

The plea:

Help, Bwog. I’m a sophomore, and last year I loved everything about New York–the food, the nightlife, the proximity, and feeling cool when I told my friends I lived in the City. But once this year began, everything about it began to annoy me. Sirens during classes so I can’t hear the teacher, the realization that taking the subway is no longer fun and it actually sucks to be stuck in a metal tube with 200 people breathing in your face, slow walkers, aggressive walkers, expensive prices, and generally unfriendly people. Does New York just suck? How can I fall back in love with it? Does everyone else feel like this too? :(((( help needed desperately as midterms and this are making me so fucking depressed.

The response:

Advising away

Dear Bwog: High School Boyfriend Edition

All Bwog really ever wanted to be when it grew up was an advice columnist. And we give great relationship advice in response to our definitely not trolling cries for help. Thus, today we’re dealing with the age old question: should you break up with your high school boyfriend? If you or a “so I have this friend” have any questions, send them on over to tips@bwog.com or use our anonymous tip form.

Dear Bwog,
I’m walkin’ one hell of a line. You see, in high school, I had a crush on this one handsome, aloof, John Wayne of a mystery man for three years straight. I never could get him to bat an eye at me. One day, though, he scooted on over to me and asked me to be his lady. I was all fired up! The only problem is, that was a week before graduation. Worse, he goes to college way down in Tennessee. Against all better sense, we’re still together. Now, I know I’m a fool to think a freshman boy could possibly stay true to me from way down there, but he doesn’t seem to have a cheatin’ heart, and he’s absolutely the man of my dreams. What would you do, Bwog? Should I leave my Southern lover or stand by my man?

Dear Ol’ Faithful,

Questions like “should we break up” are ones that are answered in their asking: you probably already know what you should do. In case you need it made more obvious, here’s a short and a long answer. The short answer is, to borrow from Dan Savage, dump the motherfucker already!

Here’s the long answer:

First, Mamma Bwog would probably never go for a guy who could in any way be described as a “John Wayne of a mystery man” because that kind of masculinity probably gets pretty icky and verges into “make me a sandwich” territory. Especially when he ignores you for three years. Hooking up right before you both go off to far away colleges smells like commitment issues–he knows the relationship is doomed from the get-go. And let me be clear–the relationship is definitely doomed. And not just because you’ve only been dating for five or six months.

(more…)

Dear Bwog: Sexplanations
stop right now thank you very much i need somebody with a human toouuuchhh

Too deep for this.

When would Bwog ever turn down a chance to give sex advice? In case you, too, have any burning questions or kind of clever jokes, tip it in. And now, an actual anonymous tip we received:

Can you do a post about sexistentialism? Is that related to the kama sartre?

Dear Sexistentialist,

Did you get this sex nihilo? Regardless, Bwog is no sexpert in neither sexistentialism nor the kama-Sartre. To avoid any sextremely poor philosophical anal(y)sex, Bwog will merely claim that sexistentialism is sextraordinarily important to our changing society today and it’s sexcellent to reflect upon nowadays, sexsextera sexsextera. This may not be the most sexsexful answer, but Bwog has now sexeeded sexpectations in terms of puns and will simply note that Woody Allen’s Whatever Works addresses “sextentialism” as a main theme since it sexamines sex, love and death. Fun fact.

Bwog will continue to sexplore and sexpand on this matter later.

Sexcerely yours,

Bwog

Screencap from “Come Clean” via Shutterstock

Dear Bwog: Sexy Edition
Bwog can't believe this a real picture

Bwog can’t believe this a real picture

In case you haven’t heard, Bwog is great at giving relationship advice in response to our totally sincere tips begging for help. Bwog has set out to answer this tipster’s dilemma regarding keeping sex sexy (and not in the NSOP way), because they’re definitely not trolls. If you or a “so I have this friend” have any questions, send them on over to tips@bwog.com or use our anonymous tip form.

Dear Bwog,

We’ve been together for a while and we’re both taking six classes. In short, the sex has gotten boring. Help!

Dear First-World-Sex-Problem-Bwogger,

If it makes you feel better, Bwog is not taking six classes and not even getting laid. So, let’s note the obvious, shall we? YOU ARE HAVING SEX, THAT’S ALREADY PRETTY DAMN GREAT (especially at Columbia).

Depending on the reason(s) for which sex is boring, Bwog will tip accordingly:

Sex advice after the jump

Dear Bwog: Forging Connections

adonis

Bwog’s been receiving a lot of tips asking for relationship advice, so we’ve put on our red Jeanne Phillips suit to tackle this doozy tonight:

Today was the first day of classes, and with new classes comes seven flights of Hamilton stairs. And new hot men. I entered the lecture hall, and there, like a bronze adonis, he appeared. The bronze adonis thing is stupid, really stupid, because he was actually just a cute guy with a beard. My point still stands; he was hot, and I want to approach him. But Bwog, I actually have no balls. What do I do? How do I go about making him MY beardy, hot man?

Oh, it might be important to note that I am a dude. But he had a hoop in his right ear, so safe to say he won’t have a problem with that? I don’t know. I’m lost and desperately need your help.

Save me, Bwog.

As we see it, there are two possible approaches:

1. This is Columbia, dude. (Bwog doesn’t necessarily think it’s all that important you’re a dude, but appreciates your candor.) Approaching someone directly like a normal human being just isn’t our style.

First, look him up in the directory. Find out his major. Fantasize about having intellectual conversations with him that start after class and continue over glasses of Chardonnay into the wee hours of the morning. It is absolutely imperative you do all of this while never speaking to him or initiating any form of communication.

(more…)

Dear Bwog: Sex and Lies
shutterstock_141838078

Listen up – Bwog is about to drop some knowledge

Once again, Bwog is tackling the mountain of gossipy (possibly trolling) emails that has accumulated in our inbox. If you’re having relationship struggles, school struggles, or general life struggles, send them to tips@bwog.com for some sassy, maybe useful advice.

Dear Bwog,

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for 2 years now, and we’re very happy together. So I’m not sure what to make of the fact that he hid something from me.

He has a friend who is fairly attractive, and who he admitted to having a thing for a few years ago. I’d never made very much of it, especially since they’d been out of touch for a long time but he’s always sensed I’ve been a little apprehensive about her. I knew she was back in town recently, and randomly asked him one day if he’d hung out with her lately. He said that he had a while ago, and that he hadn’t told me until I brought it up because he was worried it’d upset me.

Come to think of it, he has actually fibbed about things before, and blatantly hid and later admitted to something (that was actually serious) on at least one occasion.

I don’t think anything happened between them or he would have flat out lied when I brought it up. He also promises full disclosure for things from now on…but he’s said that before. I think it’s fair to want full disclosure on things that could potentially bother your partner when it comes to exes and crushes. What do you think? And what does his hiding this say about him/our relationship? Is he likely hiding other things?

(more…)

Dear Bwog: Awkward Encounters
bwoggie bwogster

HIDE

Given the influx of anonymous tips in Bwog’s inbox requesting relationship advice, we figure either we’ve become Columbia’s Seventeen mag or we’re being trolled.  Regardless, we’re answering ‘em so send ‘em in to tips@bwog.com or use the anonymous tip form.

Dear Bwog,

I know this really isn’t the venue for this sort of solicitation, but I am (still) desperate. I’m not a naive freshman, and over the years I have cultivated a very hazy idea of Bwog as sort of a mysterious TMZ situation where everyone sits around shouting out wild ideas and gossip (I don’t even know if that is what TMZ looks like. Still, I imagine it is). While I understand the craziness of first classes and “actual” news, I could still use some help and a situation where everyone sits around yelling out suggestions would probably work right now.

I thought I had lucked out with this boy going home for the holidays (thank you Jewish holidays for saving me from awkward encounters!), but I was sitting outside today, minding my own business and enjoying the last of the summer sun when he walked right past me. Cue my attempt to flee the scene as quickly as possible (though he had his back turned to me the entire time).

I’m hoping this takes care of that pesky “first meeting” thing, but I can’t decide if it truly does. I don’t know if he saw me, so I can’t determine whether this sets the precedent as “ignore him as he ignored you” or “say hello and make the necessary pleasantries about summer before adjourning to the farthest corner of the room.”

Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You’re my only hope.

We try really hard to answer after the jump

Hey, I Just Met You… And This is Crazy

1020 on a Saturday night

This evening, Bwog received a tip that is unusual both for its length (long) and its topic (love).

In it, Robert (not his real name) goes to 1020, meets two girls named Kristine and Kristine (not their real names) and falls in love with one of them. Upon her leaving, he asks her to meet him at Alma at dawn, where he’ll be waiting. She does not show. It is a hard read, no matter which way you approach it. But for the names, which have been changed, the tip is unedited.

Read on for social anxiety, a booth, coconut water, David Foster Wallace, and a very long night.

To: tips@bwog.com
From: robert@gmail.com
Subject: (minor edit, read this one) I need your guys’ help in trying to find the girl I fell in love with (last night at 1020)

Dear Bwog,

I need your guys’ help in trying to find the girl I fell in love with (last night at 1020)

Yes, I’m serious. Yes, I said love. I also know that you laughed at the (last night at 1020) bit in the subject, but I can tell you with all my heart, that doesn’t matter. You can’t control where it happens.

I swear to God, all of this happened.

All I know about her is that her name is Kristine.

If you want to see why you should help me let me tell you the story:

Dear Bwog: Is Nude Small Talk “A Thing”?

The all seeing eye

After a hiatus both shorter and less devastating than that of Community, Dear Bwog is back. If you have any conundra Columbiana that you want us to take a smack at, email them in to tips@bwog.com.

Dear Bwog,

I just ran into my TA, stark naked, leaving the Dodge showers. I still had my towel on. At the time it wasn’t weird, and we just sorta automatically smiled and said hello in passing. After the fact, it’s a little weird. What do I do?

Frantically,
Perplexed Penis Peeker

Bwog ponders this, after the jump.

Dear Bwog: PDA PSA

This type of vibrating PDA is, however, more than welcome.

Dear Bwog returns once again to help you solve your collegiate quandaries. We’ve taken on the Hellevator, and the delirious cram sesh. Below, Bubbe Bwog answers another pressing question: Are you just sleepy and bitter, or is there a line one (two) can cross as a Butler couple? And yes, these are real emails tipped to Bwog. Share your own snafus with tips@bwog.com, and we’ll offer some humble weblog wisdom.

Dear Bwog,

I just wanted to notify you, and everyone else, that there is a heinously o-so-in-love couple in the Butler lounge near the Café entrance (freshman, no doubt) who have been making out, groping, and dry humping on our precious arm chairs for a good three hours now. I would have photographed these gems, but why would I want to make everyone vomit, as I have just done? Keep an eye out for a girl in a black t-shirt and jeans and boy with a tight jew fro.

THESE TWO MEAN TROUBLE.

Best,
Anti-Chunder Patrol

Get your fill of PDA wisdom after the jump.