Dear Bwog: Two’s Company, Three’s a Crowd

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Dear Bwog is back! But we’re changin’ it up a little this time. First you’ll hear from Bwog’s self-proclaimed “decent heterosexual male Suzy May.” Then, one of our female Bwoggers gives her impassioned response. Bwog…we have a split personality!

Dear Bwog,

I sometimes think my boyfriend might be gay. He’s an amazing guy and, yes, while do have sex, really good sex, I sometimes do get “that vibe” off him. We recently talked about fantasies and he said that he was open to a threesome with another guy. But we were both tipsy when this was discussed and it hasn’t been brought up since. Is that weird? Could he be gay? Should I just point blank ask him?

Suspicious in Schermerhorn

Dear Suspicious,

In the recent words of the cast of ‘How I Met Your Mother:’ Oh…honey.

While owning a scarf, doing yoga, or having an encyclopedic knowledge of Gossip Girl aren’t the immediate warning signs they once were, I wouldn’t associate the desire to experiment a devil’s three-way with someone who purely identifies as straight so, yeah, your boyfriend might just be on Dorothy’s speed dial.

Others would argue differently but I just don’t subscribe to the school of thought that sexuality is that fluid of a thing. At most we’re talking 2-day old goulash. Because once you’ve defined your niche—God, there just has to be a better word for that—be it girl, guy or all of the above, there usually is very little wavering left to be done. It’s an opaque line but when a phallus other than your own carries genuine appeal to you; you’re not purely straight.

Because really, how many confirmed Out-n-Proud gay friends have ever stumbled to your door hung-over, moaning about the girl they experimented with the previous night? None in my case.

Still, this… ambivalence towards the peen isn’t necessarily a deal-breaker either as I don’t personally believe bi to simply be a rest-stop on the way to San Francisco. There are some people who truly do swing both ways out there and they’re not necessarily voracious sexual predators in handlebar mustaches unable to commit either.

Simply put: I think you might just be in a relationship with a bi man.

Depending on how satisfied you are with the relationship, you might not want to push this too aggressively; there’s a reason why Hallmark hasn’t made a “Honey, are you sure you’re not a gay?” V-Day card. And pardon the ovaries here, but if he loves you, and he’s faithful and the sex is good—without Anderson Cooper 360 running in the background throughout—would it be that big of a deal that he chose you out of 100% of the population as opposed to 50?

Sorry, I can’t be more definite on the matter, but only you can assess if what you two have is real or just the pinkest, snuggest closet he could find. Still, in the words of a female friend consulted on the matter “a girl hasn’t gotten the full Columbia experience until you’ve dated a gay guy.”

Best of luck,
Bwog Boy

Dear Suspicious,


Quite honestly, I think the problem here is that you and your boyfriend only discussed this when you were drunk. You say your boyfriend is “an amazing guy,” you have “really good sex,” and you cared to write in and ask about it, so it seems like this is a pretty important relationship. You owe it to your boyfriend to ask him about the things that confuse you or make you uncomfortable. The conversation doesn’t require you to ask him “point-blank” about his sexuality; something a little more low-key is likely to get a more positive (and honest) response. Try “I’ve been thinking a lot about that time we discussed our fantasies, and I have to say it surprised me a bit when you mentioned that you were interested in a MMF threesome. It makes me a little insecure about us to think about you wanting to be with a guy. Could you talk about that?” A non-accusatory question that puts your feelings at the forefront will make him want to be more open with you.

Not that you’ll necessarily like the answer you hear. It’s very likely that your boyfriend is just adventurous, curious, and confident in his own sexuality.

Sexuality is a pretty fluid thing; sometimes a fantasy is just that—a fantasy because it seems dangerous or exciting and different—and wanting to try new things for a thrill is no different than skydiving (or anal sex, once also regarded as a solely homosexual act). If it turns out he’s attracted to men as well as women, you need to decide whether that’s something you can live with, as long as he’s with you—after all, being in a relationship with a straight man doesn’t keep him from being attracted to other women (nor does being in a relationship with a straight woman keep her from being attracted to other men). You would need to discuss whether his bisexuality needs regular expression, and if so how to do that in a way that makes you comfortable. It may well be that he’s perfectly happy with you but would like you to participate in some of his other sexual interests. (He wants to share his sexuality, whatever it may be, with with you who he presumably likes a lot and is having sex with.) And, if it turns out he’s gay (not that he necessarily will be), it’s best that the conversation reveal it now so that he can get more comfortable with his sexuality and start taking advantage of all the nice gay men at Columbia, while you’ll be free to find one more inclined towards women than your boyfriend.

It’s unlikely that he’s gay and in the closet (by 20 or so, people have usually come to basic sexual realizations about themselves), but if he is you have a right to know, and if he isn’t he needs to know how you feel about the fantasy he expressed. Such honesty deserves honesty in return.

Bwog Girl

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  1. Anonymous  

    And that's how it starts...

  2. Anonymous  

    Suggestion: Start lifting weights so you can satisfy both sides of his desires

  3. gay at  

    "amazing guy"

  4. helloooo!  

    he could also just want to see you with another man, that's hot too

  5. umm

    Am I the only person who finds Bwog Boy's response fairly offensive? Sexuality is fluid (as Bwog Girl said), and furthermore, one fantasy does not create an entire identity.

  6. Forever Alone  

    . . . what?

  7. I think  

    he just meant that once you have decided what group you are attracted to that stays fairly stable

  8. Nope, he's gay

    real straight dudes, don't fantasize of having sex with other dudes, that's just gay. Way to over complicate things, bwog.

  9. It is possible  

    to have a MMF threesome in which the two straight males interact only with the woman and have no direct contact whatsoever. A lot of straight porn is premised on this situation.

  10. hmmm  

    would you stay with him if he confessed that he was bi, though?

    • I recently  

      asked myself this question, and decided that if the person you are attracted to, likes you back then it really doesn't make a difference. For now, you are the one for him.
      But the whole thing in the article about bisexuals needing to express themselves from time to time worries me about this now.
      As a girl, I'm completely ok being with a guy who is bi as long as he is honest and upfront with me.

  11. Perform the Darren Criss test  

    Show him a picture of Darren Criss. If he get's an erection he is gay. Simple as that.

  12. guys  

    who ask a female for a FFM first are jerks.

    i mean come on...

  13. '11  

    i'm a girl and i'd love two guys and i wouldn't like two girls in a threesome.

    i think most girls want two guys but aren't willing to admit it because the norm is two girls and a guy.

    also for a guy, if they admit they want to do a threesome with another guy and a girl, they are worried they seem gay.

  14. Interesting  

    Bwog Girl: "It’s unlikely that he’s gay and in the closet (by 20 or so, people have usually come to basic sexual realizations about themselves)..."

    Really? But there are so many people who, for whatever reason, are not ready to come out of the closet, or haven't even admitted to themselves their "basic sexual realizations"

    Please don't be so primitive in your thoughts re: sexuality.

  15. Anonymous  

    Sexuality IS fluid. Why do we find it so acceptable to shove people into one of two boxes that they absolutely can't get out of? (With the "rare" exception of bisexuality.) Why should we believe the world exists on this kind of binary? If you truly identify as gay or straight, an "out-of-the-box" fantasy shouldn't condemn you to the other box. There are differences between identity, behavior, and desire.

  16. bwog  

    is for white people...per usual

  17. hey there  

    Hey there boyfriend, I'm a straight girl and I would love to have a devil's three way with you. Screw your suspicious girlfriend and let's get it on!

  18. Also,  

    if your boyfriend is here and reads bwog, this was like the most obvious way of telling him about it.
    "Wait, isn't the fantasy I told my girlfriend about last week being debated on bwog?"

  19. ....  

    ya'all need ta shut up.
    for realz.
    and go study them bookz

  20. im gay and in the closet  

    most people have come to the realization of what their sexuality is by this time, especially most columbia students....because frankly, you'd have to be stupid not to.

    once we've realized that if he's gay he's probably consciously in the closet, we have another problem. this is not how closeted gay guys behave. you would have to be insane to make that comment, even when drunk.

    it's not how i'd behave. it defeats the point of having the damn girlfriend to start out with if she suspects you're gay.

    on the other hand, there's a really good way that she can test this. find a guy who's down for a devil's threesome and see what he does. if he fools around with the other guy...guess what.

  21. Lord Inglip  

    I don't think him wanted to \Devil's\ threesome you makes him secretly gay nor bi.

    I think he just wants to pound you with another dude, with whom he's close. Maybe you've been together for a while, so he knows there's a lot of confidence/trust (hopefully) and he just wanted to throw a curveball in there. Again, while drunk.

  22. Hey Girlfriend,  

    If you think you'd be upset to find out he was gay, imagine how his mother might feel? Maybe something like this ...

  23. Anonymous  

    MMM threesomes are the only way to go

  24. Anonymous  

    Wow, that first letter was just hugely offensive on so many levels.

  25. Anonymous  

    no. just no.

  26. who said  

    that the female would be the only one getting penetrated?

    didn't you know that no parts is actually strap-on backwards?

  27. jesus

    The way you kids are talking makes it seem like you've never double penetrated a woman before. Even with just your fingers, there's a quiet, beautiful peace in their eyes that I wish I could capture forever.

    I will never be comfortable enough with another man or my female partner to act on this, but I understand the desire, and I applaud this guy for being so open with himself.

    If this is all it takes for you to label him gay, well, have fun watching TV your whole life.

  28. cc  

    I feel like the girlfriend and the Bwog boy live in a world entirely different from mine. Having a particular fantasy (or possibly just a curiosity) and mentioning it once, drunk, defines your entire sexuality? What a strange and limiting viewpoint.

    My reaction if my boyfriend had said that: immediately prepare a list of candidates.

  29. Anonymous

    Go for the mmf, if a sword fight ensues he's gay.

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