Dear Bwog is back! But we’re changin’ it up a little this time. First you’ll hear from Bwog’s self-proclaimed “decent heterosexual male Suzy May.” Then, one of our female Bwoggers gives her impassioned response. Bwog…we have a split personality!
I sometimes think my boyfriend might be gay. He’s an amazing guy and, yes, while do have sex, really good sex, I sometimes do get “that vibe” off him. We recently talked about fantasies and he said that he was open to a threesome with another guy. But we were both tipsy when this was discussed and it hasn’t been brought up since. Is that weird? Could he be gay? Should I just point blank ask him?
Suspicious in Schermerhorn
While owning a scarf, doing yoga, or having an encyclopedic knowledge of Gossip Girl aren’t the immediate warning signs they once were, I wouldn’t associate the desire to experiment a devil’s three-way with someone who purely identifies as straight so, yeah, your boyfriend might just be on Dorothy’s speed dial.
Others would argue differently but I just don’t subscribe to the school of thought that sexuality is that fluid of a thing. At most we’re talking 2-day old goulash. Because once you’ve defined your niche—God, there just has to be a better word for that—be it girl, guy or all of the above, there usually is very little wavering left to be done. It’s an opaque line but when a phallus other than your own carries genuine appeal to you; you’re not purely straight.
Because really, how many confirmed Out-n-Proud gay friends have ever stumbled to your door hung-over, moaning about the girl they experimented with the previous night? None in my case.
Still, this… ambivalence towards the peen isn’t necessarily a deal-breaker either as I don’t personally believe bi to simply be a rest-stop on the way to San Francisco. There are some people who truly do swing both ways out there and they’re not necessarily voracious sexual predators in handlebar mustaches unable to commit either.
Simply put: I think you might just be in a relationship with a bi man.
Depending on how satisfied you are with the relationship, you might not want to push this too aggressively; there’s a reason why Hallmark hasn’t made a “Honey, are you sure you’re not a gay?” V-Day card. And pardon the ovaries here, but if he loves you, and he’s faithful and the sex is good—without Anderson Cooper 360 running in the background throughout—would it be that big of a deal that he chose you out of 100% of the population as opposed to 50?
Sorry, I can’t be more definite on the matter, but only you can assess if what you two have is real or just the pinkest, snuggest closet he could find. Still, in the words of a female friend consulted on the matter “a girl hasn’t gotten the full Columbia experience until you’ve dated a gay guy.”
Best of luck,
Quite honestly, I think the problem here is that you and your boyfriend only discussed this when you were drunk. You say your boyfriend is “an amazing guy,” you have “really good sex,” and you cared to write in and ask about it, so it seems like this is a pretty important relationship. You owe it to your boyfriend to ask him about the things that confuse you or make you uncomfortable. The conversation doesn’t require you to ask him “point-blank” about his sexuality; something a little more low-key is likely to get a more positive (and honest) response. Try “I’ve been thinking a lot about that time we discussed our fantasies, and I have to say it surprised me a bit when you mentioned that you were interested in a MMF threesome. It makes me a little insecure about us to think about you wanting to be with a guy. Could you talk about that?” A non-accusatory question that puts your feelings at the forefront will make him want to be more open with you.
Not that you’ll necessarily like the answer you hear. It’s very likely that your boyfriend is just adventurous, curious, and confident in his own sexuality.
Sexuality is a pretty fluid thing; sometimes a fantasy is just that—a fantasy because it seems dangerous or exciting and different—and wanting to try new things for a thrill is no different than skydiving (or anal sex, once also regarded as a solely homosexual act). If it turns out he’s attracted to men as well as women, you need to decide whether that’s something you can live with, as long as he’s with you—after all, being in a relationship with a straight man doesn’t keep him from being attracted to other women (nor does being in a relationship with a straight woman keep her from being attracted to other men). You would need to discuss whether his bisexuality needs regular expression, and if so how to do that in a way that makes you comfortable. It may well be that he’s perfectly happy with you but would like you to participate in some of his other sexual interests. (He wants to share his sexuality, whatever it may be, with with you who he presumably likes a lot and is having sex with.) And, if it turns out he’s gay (not that he necessarily will be), it’s best that the conversation reveal it now so that he can get more comfortable with his sexuality and start taking advantage of all the nice gay men at Columbia, while you’ll be free to find one more inclined towards women than your boyfriend.
It’s unlikely that he’s gay and in the closet (by 20 or so, people have usually come to basic sexual realizations about themselves), but if he is you have a right to know, and if he isn’t he needs to know how you feel about the fantasy he expressed. Such honesty deserves honesty in return.