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Dear Bwog: Two’s Company, Three’s a Crowd

Dear Bwog is back! But we’re changin’ it up a little this time. First you’ll hear from Bwog’s self-proclaimed “decent heterosexual male Suzy May.” Then, one of our female Bwoggers gives her impassioned response. Bwog…we have a split personality!

Dear Bwog,

I sometimes think my boyfriend might be gay. He’s an amazing guy and, yes, while do have sex, really good sex, I sometimes do get “that vibe” off him. We recently talked about fantasies and he said that he was open to a threesome with another guy. But we were both tipsy when this was discussed and it hasn’t been brought up since. Is that weird? Could he be gay? Should I just point blank ask him?

Sincerely,
Suspicious in Schermerhorn


Dear Suspicious,

In the recent words of the cast of ‘How I Met Your Mother:’ Oh…honey.

While owning a scarf, doing yoga, or having an encyclopedic knowledge of Gossip Girl aren’t the immediate warning signs they once were, I wouldn’t associate the desire to experiment a devil’s three-way with someone who purely identifies as straight so, yeah, your boyfriend might just be on Dorothy’s speed dial.

Others would argue differently but I just don’t subscribe to the school of thought that sexuality is that fluid of a thing. At most we’re talking 2-day old goulash. Because once you’ve defined your niche—God, there just has to be a better word for that—be it girl, guy or all of the above, there usually is very little wavering left to be done. It’s an opaque line but when a phallus other than your own carries genuine appeal to you; you’re not purely straight.

Because really, how many confirmed Out-n-Proud gay friends have ever stumbled to your door hung-over, moaning about the girl they experimented with the previous night? None in my case.

Still, this… ambivalence towards the peen isn’t necessarily a deal-breaker either as I don’t personally believe bi to simply be a rest-stop on the way to San Francisco. There are some people who truly do swing both ways out there and they’re not necessarily voracious sexual predators in handlebar mustaches unable to commit either.

Simply put: I think you might just be in a relationship with a bi man.

Depending on how satisfied you are with the relationship, you might not want to push this too aggressively; there’s a reason why Hallmark hasn’t made a “Honey, are you sure you’re not a gay?” V-Day card. And pardon the ovaries here, but if he loves you, and he’s faithful and the sex is good—without Anderson Cooper 360 running in the background throughout—would it be that big of a deal that he chose you out of 100% of the population as opposed to 50?

Sorry, I can’t be more definite on the matter, but only you can assess if what you two have is real or just the pinkest, snuggest closet he could find. Still, in the words of a female friend consulted on the matter “a girl hasn’t gotten the full Columbia experience until you’ve dated a gay guy.”

Best of luck,
Bwog Boy


Dear Suspicious,

 

Quite honestly, I think the problem here is that you and your boyfriend only discussed this when you were drunk. You say your boyfriend is “an amazing guy,” you have “really good sex,” and you cared to write in and ask about it, so it seems like this is a pretty important relationship. You owe it to your boyfriend to ask him about the things that confuse you or make you uncomfortable. The conversation doesn’t require you to ask him “point-blank” about his sexuality; something a little more low-key is likely to get a more positive (and honest) response. Try “I’ve been thinking a lot about that time we discussed our fantasies, and I have to say it surprised me a bit when you mentioned that you were interested in a MMF threesome. It makes me a little insecure about us to think about you wanting to be with a guy. Could you talk about that?” A non-accusatory question that puts your feelings at the forefront will make him want to be more open with you.

Not that you’ll necessarily like the answer you hear. It’s very likely that your boyfriend is just adventurous, curious, and confident in his own sexuality.

Sexuality is a pretty fluid thing; sometimes a fantasy is just that—a fantasy because it seems dangerous or exciting and different—and wanting to try new things for a thrill is no different than skydiving (or anal sex, once also regarded as a solely homosexual act). If it turns out he’s attracted to men as well as women, you need to decide whether that’s something you can live with, as long as he’s with you—after all, being in a relationship with a straight man doesn’t keep him from being attracted to other women (nor does being in a relationship with a straight woman keep her from being attracted to other men). You would need to discuss whether his bisexuality needs regular expression, and if so how to do that in a way that makes you comfortable. It may well be that he’s perfectly happy with you but would like you to participate in some of his other sexual interests. (He wants to share his sexuality, whatever it may be, with with you who he presumably likes a lot and is having sex with.) And, if it turns out he’s gay (not that he necessarily will be), it’s best that the conversation reveal it now so that he can get more comfortable with his sexuality and start taking advantage of all the nice gay men at Columbia, while you’ll be free to find one more inclined towards women than your boyfriend.

It’s unlikely that he’s gay and in the closet (by 20 or so, people have usually come to basic sexual realizations about themselves), but if he is you have a right to know, and if he isn’t he needs to know how you feel about the fantasy he expressed. Such honesty deserves honesty in return.

Love,
Bwog Girl

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66 Comments

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous And that’s how it starts…

    1. Bruno says:

      @Bruno Vassssssuppppppppppppppppppppp!

      1. Anonymous says:

        @Anonymous hey babe, he’s definitely gay. You should just suck it up and hook up with me.

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous Suggestion: Start lifting weights so you can satisfy both sides of his desires

  • gay at says:

    @gay at “amazing guy”

  • helloooo! says:

    @helloooo! he could also just want to see you with another man, that’s hot too

    1. Yesssss says:

      @Yesssss You read my mind!! Perhaps he’s just voyeuristic!

  • umm says:

    @umm Am I the only person who finds Bwog Boy’s response fairly offensive? Sexuality is fluid (as Bwog Girl said), and furthermore, one fantasy does not create an entire identity.

    1. Devil's Law Clerk says:

      @Devil's Law Clerk We need tougher skin around here;

      someone having a different opinion from yours does not make said opinion “offensive”.

      I’m gay and I’m with him. A straight guy doesn’t ask for a threesome with another guy; That’s bi….and we’re being generous.

      1. Anonymous says:

        @Anonymous how does a gay guy know what a straight guy wants?

      2. jesus says:

        @jesus Maybe you think being gay means you understand everything about sexuality, but there’s a lot of kink involved in being submissive, humiliated, an exhibitionist and voyeuristic that is entirely independent of attraction to another guy participating in the threesome or fantasy.

      3. who the hell says:

        @who the hell are you to define what other people might want and how they want to identify their sexuality?

    2. Anonymous says:

      @Anonymous im not gay. but i certainly have imagined a girl going down on me. isnt sexuality simply a preference? i think people are just attracted to people in general. no need to always label.

      1. Exactly says:

        @Exactly Why is it that girls who participate in FFM (“normal”) three-ways aren’t considered gay or bi, but guys who participate in MMF (“Devil’s”) three-ways are considered gay or bi. It seems to be an absurd and nonsensical double-standard!

        1. because says:

          @because The FF part of the MFF doesn’t really involve sex (penetration w/ penis) . The MM part of the MMF does.

          1. Anonymous says:

            @Anonymous Not necessarily… each guy could be at a different end of the girl.

          2. OMG, seriously? says:

            @OMG, seriously? You SERIOUSLY maintain that nothing is sex without penetration?

            That’s a level of naivete I can barely even comprehend.

  • Forever Alone says:

    @Forever Alone . . . what?

  • I think says:

    @I think he just meant that once you have decided what group you are attracted to that stays fairly stable

    1. Ummm says:

      @Ummm I’m sorry, but there is no decision making when it comes to sexuality. You know what you feel, whether it is an attraction to women, men, both, or neither. Sexuality is not some social construct! I side with Our Lady of Gaga: “Baby, you were born this way!”

      1. Pretty sure says:

        @Pretty sure “Decide” was used here in the sense of “come to the conclusion” rather than “choose.”

      2. Anonymous says:

        @Anonymous oh shut up.

      3. Anonymous says:

        @Anonymous ummm.. sexuality is *so* a social construct. please read some foucault…

  • Nope, he's gay says:

    @Nope, he's gay real straight dudes, don’t fantasize of having sex with other dudes, that’s just gay. Way to over complicate things, bwog.

    1. Anonymous says:

      @Anonymous are you really this ignorant? way to discriminate against bisexuals. and heterosexuals, for that matter. “real straight dudes”? seriously? seriously? good little straight boys shouldn’t go around splooging their penile insecurities onto others.

      1. interesting says:

        @interesting that he’s not from columbia (no crown). It’s upsetting when people who should know better subscribe to ridiculous gender roles and outdated ideas of masculinity, but there’s no way you’re going to convince the entire world to embrace modern ideas of sexuality.

        1. Holy says:

          @Holy Shit the crown means columbia?

          1. Claire says:

            @Claire Yes! The crown means the comment is coming from an IP address associated with the Columbia subnet. This means basically any Columbia student’s comment from a dorm or other campus building will have a crown, but it also includes anyone using a Columbia computer.

          2. Anonymous says:

            @Anonymous Weird…though he could go to Columbia and be replying from off-campus like I am.

          3. Anonymous says:

            @Anonymous Or from a phone browser

          4. nope, says:

            @nope, still on the network!

  • It is possible says:

    @It is possible to have a MMF threesome in which the two straight males interact only with the woman and have no direct contact whatsoever. A lot of straight porn is premised on this situation.

    1. Anonymous says:

      @Anonymous But that’s more brosexual than bisexual

    2. Anonymous says:

      @Anonymous I wonder, if in the history of the world there have been more MMF or MFF threesomes?

      My guess is MMF because the female has more control over whether there is a threesome or not.

      1. Anonymous says:

        @Anonymous well, yeah. that’s why a threesome with two girls is such a “fantasy”

  • hmmm says:

    @hmmm would you stay with him if he confessed that he was bi, though?

    1. I recently says:

      @I recently asked myself this question, and decided that if the person you are attracted to, likes you back then it really doesn’t make a difference. For now, you are the one for him.
      But the whole thing in the article about bisexuals needing to express themselves from time to time worries me about this now.
      As a girl, I’m completely ok being with a guy who is bi as long as he is honest and upfront with me.

  • Perform the Darren Criss test says:

    @Perform the Darren Criss test Show him a picture of Darren Criss. If he get’s an erection he is gay. Simple as that.

    1. hmmm, nah says:

      @hmmm, nah not as accurate as the fabio test. Definitely try the fabio test:

      http://lang.dailynews.com/socal/contest/fabio_contest/nav/fabio_image.gif

    2. hmmmm, nah says:

      @hmmmm, nah The fabio test is more accurate, try the fabio test:

      http://lang.dailynews.com/socal/contest/fabio_contest/nav/fabio_image.gif

      1. straight girl says:

        @straight girl gross, Fabio.

    3. Just... says:

      @Just... watched the episode where Darren Criss/Blaine is questioning whether he could be bi. I was hoping so hard. But alas…
      Oh well, I’m still going to continue fantasizing about him even though he is gay on the show

  • guys says:

    @guys who ask a female for a FFM first are jerks.

    i mean come on…

  • '11 says:

    @'11 i’m a girl and i’d love two guys and i wouldn’t like two girls in a threesome.

    i think most girls want two guys but aren’t willing to admit it because the norm is two girls and a guy.

    also for a guy, if they admit they want to do a threesome with another guy and a girl, they are worried they seem gay.

    1. Nice says:

      @Nice Nice.

      1. +1 anyone? says:

        @+1 anyone? +1?

  • Interesting says:

    @Interesting Bwog Girl: “It’s unlikely that he’s gay and in the closet (by 20 or so, people have usually come to basic sexual realizations about themselves)…”

    Really? But there are so many people who, for whatever reason, are not ready to come out of the closet, or haven’t even admitted to themselves their “basic sexual realizations”

    Please don’t be so primitive in your thoughts re: sexuality.

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous Sexuality IS fluid. Why do we find it so acceptable to shove people into one of two boxes that they absolutely can’t get out of? (With the “rare” exception of bisexuality.) Why should we believe the world exists on this kind of binary? If you truly identify as gay or straight, an “out-of-the-box” fantasy shouldn’t condemn you to the other box. There are differences between identity, behavior, and desire.

    1. Anonymous says:

      @Anonymous YES. AGREED.
      the above confusion is literally one caused by linguistic categories.

  • bwog says:

    @bwog is for white people…per usual

  • hey there says:

    @hey there Hey there boyfriend, I’m a straight girl and I would love to have a devil’s three way with you. Screw your suspicious girlfriend and let’s get it on!

  • Also, says:

    @Also, if your boyfriend is here and reads bwog, this was like the most obvious way of telling him about it.
    “Wait, isn’t the fantasy I told my girlfriend about last week being debated on bwog?”

  • .... says:

    @.... ya’all need ta shut up.
    for realz.
    and go study them bookz

  • im gay and in the closet says:

    @im gay and in the closet most people have come to the realization of what their sexuality is by this time, especially most columbia students….because frankly, you’d have to be stupid not to.

    once we’ve realized that if he’s gay he’s probably consciously in the closet, we have another problem. this is not how closeted gay guys behave. you would have to be insane to make that comment, even when drunk.

    it’s not how i’d behave. it defeats the point of having the damn girlfriend to start out with if she suspects you’re gay.

    on the other hand, there’s a really good way that she can test this. find a guy who’s down for a devil’s threesome and see what he does. if he fools around with the other guy…guess what.

    1. jus' sayin says:

      @jus' sayin jesse eiseman?

  • Lord Inglip says:

    @Lord Inglip I don’t think him wanted to \Devil’s\ threesome you makes him secretly gay nor bi.

    I think he just wants to pound you with another dude, with whom he’s close. Maybe you’ve been together for a while, so he knows there’s a lot of confidence/trust (hopefully) and he just wanted to throw a curveball in there. Again, while drunk.

  • Hey Girlfriend, says:

    @Hey Girlfriend, If you think you’d be upset to find out he was gay, imagine how his mother might feel? Maybe something like this … http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DeahDax24Dg

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous MMM threesomes are the only way to go

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous Wow, that first letter was just hugely offensive on so many levels.

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous no. just no.

    1. Anonymous says:

      @Anonymous in response to what differentiates threesomes up there.

  • who said says:

    @who said that the female would be the only one getting penetrated?

    didn’t you know that no parts is actually strap-on backwards?

  • jesus says:

    @jesus The way you kids are talking makes it seem like you’ve never double penetrated a woman before. Even with just your fingers, there’s a quiet, beautiful peace in their eyes that I wish I could capture forever.

    I will never be comfortable enough with another man or my female partner to act on this, but I understand the desire, and I applaud this guy for being so open with himself.

    If this is all it takes for you to label him gay, well, have fun watching TV your whole life.

    1. CC'13 says:

      @CC'13 oh man please get with me

      also haha, recaptcha DP &Reate

  • cc says:

    @cc I feel like the girlfriend and the Bwog boy live in a world entirely different from mine. Having a particular fantasy (or possibly just a curiosity) and mentioning it once, drunk, defines your entire sexuality? What a strange and limiting viewpoint.

    My reaction if my boyfriend had said that: immediately prepare a list of candidates.

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous Go for the mmf, if a sword fight ensues he’s gay.

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