From the Issue: Bed Intruder
Written by Bwog Staff
Yes we officially retired Bed Intruder references on Bwog but print journalism can’t always keep up with the times. We continue to respect our heritage/amorous affair with our mother-magazine, The Blue & White (see About) by posting each issue of the magazine online. The latest issue, available this week around campus, is a cornucopia of delights: the quest for a Columbia quidditch team; drugs, sex and ROTC; and an interview with Dean Peter Awn. We present this month’s Fiction, Mike Young relays his nightmares: Giant, diabetic bedbugs invade Columbia.
Cimicidae finally interfere with what little sleep I get!
Sunday 6:03 a.m.
Eric Hamilton likes this.
Monica Rynders: Call the exterminator!
Ariel Bloom: It’s Sunday. No exterminator. @Eric: why the ef would you like this? My arms are covered in pink rashes and I can’t call facilities on Sundays. Not funny!
Eric Hamilton: I have them, too! I like that we’re all in the same boat. My gf slept over and we both woke up rashy. Let’s have a bedbug sleepover!
Ariel Bloom: You wish. I’m washing my clothes on high heat and staying at a friend’s apartment.
Jared S.: I had to take my gf to the hospital. Apparently they’ve never seen this kind of bedbug before. Well fed, twice the regular size.
Ariel Bloom: Morton Williams sold out of hydrocortisone. Blame it on your mutant bugs. Probably came from Pupin.
Jared S.: You’re right…there was a Pupin experiment involving high fructose corn syrup. Cimicidae->corn syrup->giant diabetic? bedbug.
Escape the Bedbugs Campout: Location: South Lawn. Date: Monday 25 9:00 pm – Tuesday April 26 12 noon.
Rid yourself of bed bugs, camp with us on South Lawn. No refreshments, but enough love to feed all!
Ariel Bloom: Eric, you can’t eat love. Not coming.
Eric Hamilton: Well WE’RE camping. Stuff’s already out there.
Jared S.: East Campus is infested! They’ll probably join your ranks.
Ariel Bloom: Just stay the hell out of Butler, all of you.
Eric Hamilton: You guys missed it! There were tons of us camping out last night. People all over campus have pinkish radish-patch rashes. One guy walking down Low steps was scratching so hard he ripped off his shirt and started clawing his body in front of a campus tour. I think one of the moms was asking about campus counseling. Hilarious!
Ariel Bloom: Did you study in Butler? They’ve spread through the reading rooms. They’re fumigating the library!
Megan Li: Aaaand Claremont is officially infested. We’re coming!
Eric Hamilton: Three more infested! Welcome, folks! Anybody else checking in?
Jared S.: Hey, Hartley, Carman and Broadway have them as well.
David Zepeda: I’m holding you responsible, Eric!
Eric Hamilton: : ) Tent. City. Y’all. Spilled over college walk, surrounding La Maison as well.
Ariel Bloom: Health hazard, much? If you haven’t heard, Prezbo is coming to your little campout.
Eric Hamilton: Actually…Prezbo has a Gregor Samsa case on his hands: morphed into a bedbug. He’s called off facilities and he’s heading over with the mutants he’s taken under his wing. Call him Prez Xavier. It’s the meet & greet you’ve all been waiting for!
Ariel Bloom: I’m glad you’re having such a great time, Eric. I’m staying off campus. $8K to end up homeless with you assholes because someone in Pupin couldn’t monitor the corn syrup? Have fun, geniuses.
Eric Hamilton: K, Magnito.
South Lawn Campout #2
Saturday, April 30-Friday, May 13
Cost of housing: $8,000. Mutant President: Priceless.
Come kick it with Lee, your tie-wearing metamorphosed Prez!
David Zepeda: Congrats, Eric. Brownstones have vacated as well.
Tags: April 2011, As Prezbo awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed into a gigantic vermin, bedbugs, facebook in print reposted on a blog, fiction, from the issue, illustrations that will haunt your dreams, kafka, Magazine, overusing a meme, the blue and white, your nightmares