Senior Wisdom: Raphael Pope-Sussman

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Another illustrious senior shares his wisdom with the foolish masses.

Name, school: Raphael Pope-Sussman, Columbia College

Claim to fame: I’m the Audacity of Pope. I have the highest IQ: testicle ratio at Columbia. Plus Lance Armstrong once tweeted at me. I’m a former Spec copy editor, former humor editor and lead story editor for The Eye, and former editorial page editor. I’m also an amateur bagelologist. I’m a skinny guy, but I can eat a pizza pie. That rhymes!

Where are you going?: To St. Ives! But actually, I’ll be spending the next year working as a researcher and reporter at Remapping Debate, a small web publication that focuses on policy analysis. After that, who knows? I hear the bagels in Montreal are absolutely sublime…

Three things I learned at Columbia:

1. They don’t have the Village People in Iran.
2. Princeton sucks.
3. You cannot step twice into the same stream.

“Back in my day…” you could get a slice and a coke for $1.25. But that was 1994 at Ben’s Pizza of Brooklyn. Looking back on my Columbia years, I remember when people communicated using clunky brick phones and could only send emails in their dorm rooms, on the grounds, at the library, and in most academic buildings. There was this thing called T9 (not Terminator 9), which I never learned how to use. Also, we had Major Cultures. Trust me when I tell you it was just as but in no way any more inane and idiotic than the Global Core.

Justify your existence in 30 words or fewer: I write jokes. How did a young Sigmund Freud get into nightclubs? He used his fake id.

Is the War on Fun over? Who won? Any war stories? In the words of a famous philosopher, “Instead of war on poverty/they’ve got a war on fun so the EC guards can bother me.”

I think we’re doing alright—40s on 40 was a major success and there haven’t been any disastrous lines outside EC in ages. It’s been a brutal fight, though. My birthday is in October and this past fall we planned a big party to celebrate. That was the night there was a line of 100 people and the security guards completely flipped out. I got in an argument with one of the guards and he said he could be my father and called me a wiseass. Sorry, uh, dad? Anyway, the party was a total bust. We lost that battle, but I think we’re winning the war.

Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese?

“If you have something that you don’t want anyone to know, maybe you shouldn’t be doing it in the first place.” – Eric Schmidt, chairman of Google

Advice for the class of 2015: You’re some of the brightest, most driven, most legacy-est students on earth. But you’re mainly here because of dumb luck. So keep your nose to the grindstone and don’t be an arrogant fuck. And order the Godfather at Appletree. It’s the best deal around.

Regrets: Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!

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  1. don't know this guy  

    but he seems wise as f--k!
    great work. "4 more years! 4 more years!"

  2. love raf  

    best guy ive met at columbia. You'll be missed<3

  3. Anonymous


  4. catchong  

    Raf - this was great. LOL-ed, as usual.

  5. Anonymous  

    bagels in montreal are OUTSTANDING. best can be found at 74 av. fairmount o. you're welcome.

  6. the IQ:testicle ratio thing  


  7. raphael  

    inspirational. also, funny

  8. Anonymous

    This guy is awesome. SO inspirational, and funny- I wish I had met him in person

  9. Anonymous  

    "So keep your nose to the grindstone and don’t be an arrogant fuck"
    i find that ironic.

  10. Anonymous  

    Inspirationlol! You're the best Raf.

  11. Anonymous  

    that joke is so good.

  12. Wait

    Does he has 1 ball or 0?


  13. Anonymous  

    A hilarious guy and a terrific writer. I wish I'd gotten to know him better.

  14. Joy

    Raf, you're such a gift.

  15. YES!

    "You’re some of the brightest, most driven, most legacy-est students on earth. But you’re mainly here because of dumb luck. So keep your nose to the grindstone and don’t be an arrogant fuck."

    Damn, this needs to be read at every convocation in the Ivy League.

  16. Death's Door 3

    I lol-ed until I was told to pump the breaks. I retorted with "you're the worst."

  17. Finally  

    back to the GOOD senior wisdom

  18. Hel  

    Raf, you are the best. Manatee-ville. Just sayin'

  19. auntiedeb

    Raf, your elevator definitely goes beyond the top floor, you're one of the brightest bulbs in the box, sharpest tacks on the board, fullest decks in the casino and your tool box is quite matter what you say. Great article. Love you.

  20. Anonymous

    This guy is funny? Everything he said made me cringe.

  21. I don't get the joke!  

    I know that freud invented the 'id' concept. but I still don't see the joke. can someone explain, or call me 'stupid?' Either answer is fine.

    • Anonymous  

      That's just it--there's nothing to get. It's the same as: "How do you fit an elephant into a refrigerator? Open the door, put the elephant in, close the door." It's supposed to be obvious and nonsensical.

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