Another illustrious senior shares his wisdom with the foolish masses.

Name, school: Raphael Pope-Sussman, Columbia College

Claim to fame: I’m the Audacity of Pope. I have the highest IQ: testicle ratio at Columbia. Plus Lance Armstrong once tweeted at me. I’m a former Spec copy editor, former humor editor and lead story editor for The Eye, and former editorial page editor. I’m also an amateur bagelologist. I’m a skinny guy, but I can eat a pizza pie. That rhymes!

Where are you going?: To St. Ives! But actually, I’ll be spending the next year working as a researcher and reporter at Remapping Debate, a small web publication that focuses on policy analysis. After that, who knows? I hear the bagels in Montreal are absolutely sublime…

Three things I learned at Columbia:

1. They don’t have the Village People in Iran.
2. Princeton sucks.
3. You cannot step twice into the same stream.

“Back in my day…” you could get a slice and a coke for $1.25. But that was 1994 at Ben’s Pizza of Brooklyn. Looking back on my Columbia years, I remember when people communicated using clunky brick phones and could only send emails in their dorm rooms, on the grounds, at the library, and in most academic buildings. There was this thing called T9 (not Terminator 9), which I never learned how to use. Also, we had Major Cultures. Trust me when I tell you it was just as but in no way any more inane and idiotic than the Global Core.

Justify your existence in 30 words or fewer: I write jokes. How did a young Sigmund Freud get into nightclubs? He used his fake id.

Is the War on Fun over? Who won? Any war stories? In the words of a famous philosopher, “Instead of war on poverty/they’ve got a war on fun so the EC guards can bother me.”

I think we’re doing alright—40s on 40 was a major success and there haven’t been any disastrous lines outside EC in ages. It’s been a brutal fight, though. My birthday is in October and this past fall we planned a big party to celebrate. That was the night there was a line of 100 people and the security guards completely flipped out. I got in an argument with one of the guards and he said he could be my father and called me a wiseass. Sorry, uh, dad? Anyway, the party was a total bust. We lost that battle, but I think we’re winning the war.

Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese?

“If you have something that you don’t want anyone to know, maybe you shouldn’t be doing it in the first place.” – Eric Schmidt, chairman of Google

Advice for the class of 2015: You’re some of the brightest, most driven, most legacy-est students on earth. But you’re mainly here because of dumb luck. So keep your nose to the grindstone and don’t be an arrogant fuck. And order the Godfather at Appletree. It’s the best deal around.

Regrets: Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!