May

11

Senior Wisdom: Reni Calister

Written by

Name, school: Reni Calister, Barnard College

Claim to fame: One time I wore a bikini on stage while slapping myself with hot dogs. Another time I sold t-shirts with pictures of President Deborah Spar’s face on them. Otherwise, I guess you may know me as the President of the Class of 2011, Director of Chowdah, or Control Top member.

Where are you going? Home to Momma. Then back to New York where I will be throwing parties for UglyRhino Productions, selling tiny cupcakes, and doing stand-up wherever I smell an audience.

Three things you learned at Barnard:

1) Rules/processes/bureaucratic nonsense should never be blindly accepted, because there is almost always a way around them, just be kind and persistent.

2) It’s not OK to eat burritos in the library. It’s also not OK to eat burritos while walking.

3) One Heights margarita is never enough, two is too many.

“Back in my day…there was no such thing as a “Vag” joke. Today is better.”

Justify your existence in 30 words or fewer: My brother once described me as a girl whose three favorite things in life started with the letter P: presents, parties, and people. He was right.

Is the War on Fun over? Who won? Any war stories?

The War is not yet over, but the students will prevail. How? Understand that the people who make up the ground forces of the opposing side would much rather be having fun themselves. Make friends with Public Safety, charm your Desk Attendants, befriend your RA, and party on. I invested in a cooler this year that I used to brew jungle juice, and it has been responsible for many laughs, terrible decisions, and run ins with the authorities.

Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese? I’m a lactose intolerant lesbian.

Advice for the class of 2015.

1. Be brave and true to yourself.

2. Exercise.

3. In the wise words of Mark Twain, “Don’t let school get in the way of your education.”

4. Learn New York inside and out, it is the perfect escape from the intensity of the year.

5. Don’t talk about how stressed out you are, it will only make you more stressed and infinitely less attractive.

Any regrets? Four years of sleeping on extra-long jersey sheets instead of cotton ones, because t-shirts are comfortable but they kill the swag.

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34 Comments

  1. Anonymous  

    I LOVE RENI!!!!

  2. Fan  

    This is the best answer to the oral sex/cheese question I've read! Also, in general, some very wise wisdom (Mark Twain, war on fun, all of it). I've never met you, but I hope you rock it in New York next year, girl!

  3. a fan

    If you say anything bad about Reni I will hack your computer and eat you. She is perfect.

  4. Brilliant  

    Best answer to the oral sex/cheese question EVER. you're cool. I wish i knew you.

  5. Anonymous

    I love this girl! She was one of the OL's in my CU Remix team and she made it so fun! Also, she's brilliant in Chowdah!

  6. Lesbians...  

    ...don't eat each other out?

    That... err... sucks.

  7. I think...  

    you're cute.

  8. Anonymous  

    this girl is gorgeous...

  9. bc '11  

    reni is THE BEST! huzzah madame president! :)

  10. CC'13

    holy smokes. can i experiment with you?

  11. wait wait wait  

    i'm a lesbian.
    why have i never met her?

    ...this world is a cruel, cruel place.

  12. BC '11  

    I have had a crush on Reni since freshman year. I heart her.

  13. Anonymous

    such a baller

  14. Ahhhhhhhhh  

    I want to crawl into Reni Calister's arms while she rocks me gently to an old Billy Joel tune.

  15. she is better  

    than the softest part of snow and the quiet sound of rain.

  16. she makes me feel  

    like a natural woman.

  17. she is my sunshine  

    my only sunshine....too much? NOPE///

  18. there is nothing better  

    than a warm Reni Calister atop a lebanese rice pilaf.

  19. CC'11

    Why did I not know sooner that you're a lesbian, this is sad...we still have senior week, I'd love to hook up with you. also, awesome advice, especially about being true to yourself. you're cool.

  20. i DISLIKE these comedy kids

    who try WAY TO HARD TO BE FUNNY...JUST BE NORMAL

    • normal  

      people are boring. what is normal anyway? sheesh.

    • sorry man

      sorry you have no timing. it must suck.

      me, i love jokes. couldn't live without them. internally wince when i hear people who can't make them trying. not because they're bad, but because i know how desperately they want that affirmation and how confusing it must be when something they think is funny is met with silence. it breaks my heart, every day.

      you shouldn't feel bad, though. timing comes from a nearly unbearable awareness of tension. the people who are best at it are those least comfortable in their own skin. that they have found a way to be rewarded, and indeed, bring joy (or release) to others with that tension is to be commended. don't take it personally.

      we wouldn't trade being funny for being you, but i imagine if you got a taste of it, you wouldn't trade for us, either.

  21. Bad answer to oral/cheese Q  

    Lesbians can (and do) have oral sex.

  22. She's the reason...

    ...I came to Barnard/joined Chowdah/get up in the morning. Reni is funny as a funny thing, and so very gorgeous to match. <3 you!

  23. ps

    i have known how incredibly funny reni is since she was a freshman. sister's got it in spades.

  24. all female, female, female improv group  

    here's the thing: as a fellow member of Control Top, I have had the pleasure of learning what it is to truly be funny, have timing, have sass, and have fun from this beautiful and adorable woman. It is MY only regret that I waited so long in my college career to get to know Ms. Reni--I will have to face that sadness head on during my long and lonely senior nights with a handful of Tofutti Cuties and episodes of RuPaul's Drag Race. And a ton of tears. Buckets of tears. Tear buckets that I will fill then drink to re-fuel and then fill once again. Reni is the living proof of my hypothesis that being funny doesn't require daddy issues, attention issues, or pretension. And to little mr. bwog snark bucket up there who is complaining about the funny kids filling out these surveys, I will have you know that Reni doesn't have to try. It just happens. Like blowjobs when you are around me. They just happen.
    Reni Calister, if you are reading this, you are a good good egg madam. I only wish you could stay longer.

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