Name, school: Reni Calister, Barnard College

Claim to fame: One time I wore a bikini on stage while slapping myself with hot dogs. Another time I sold t-shirts with pictures of President Deborah Spar’s face on them. Otherwise, I guess you may know me as the President of the Class of 2011, Director of Chowdah, or Control Top member.

Where are you going? Home to Momma. Then back to New York where I will be throwing parties for UglyRhino Productions, selling tiny cupcakes, and doing stand-up wherever I smell an audience.

Three things you learned at Barnard:

1) Rules/processes/bureaucratic nonsense should never be blindly accepted, because there is almost always a way around them, just be kind and persistent.

2) It’s not OK to eat burritos in the library. It’s also not OK to eat burritos while walking.

3) One Heights margarita is never enough, two is too many.

“Back in my day…there was no such thing as a “Vag” joke. Today is better.”

Justify your existence in 30 words or fewer: My brother once described me as a girl whose three favorite things in life started with the letter P: presents, parties, and people. He was right.

Is the War on Fun over? Who won? Any war stories?

The War is not yet over, but the students will prevail. How? Understand that the people who make up the ground forces of the opposing side would much rather be having fun themselves. Make friends with Public Safety, charm your Desk Attendants, befriend your RA, and party on. I invested in a cooler this year that I used to brew jungle juice, and it has been responsible for many laughs, terrible decisions, and run ins with the authorities.

Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese? I’m a lactose intolerant lesbian.

Advice for the class of 2015.

1. Be brave and true to yourself.

2. Exercise.

3. In the wise words of Mark Twain, “Don’t let school get in the way of your education.”

4. Learn New York inside and out, it is the perfect escape from the intensity of the year.

5. Don’t talk about how stressed out you are, it will only make you more stressed and infinitely less attractive.

Any regrets? Four years of sleeping on extra-long jersey sheets instead of cotton ones, because t-shirts are comfortable but they kill the swag.