May

16

Senior Wisdom: Avi Edelman

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Name, school: Avi Edelman, BC (see below)

Claim to fame: President of EAAH, Co-author of “Columbia students living in sin” policy, that guy who gives Spec quotes about safe spaces…

Where are you going? First, being Camp Director of a sleepaway camp in bumblefuck, MD. Next, juggling knives in Union Square until someone offers me a film job. Then, directing Fat Bitch 3 starring Tracy Jordan.

Three things you learned at Columbia:

1. You get unlimited license to complain about the Columbia community if you do something to try to make it better. You also get unlimited license to host celebrations for every success and unlimited license to launder ABC/SGB money into buying supplies for said celebrations.

2. It doesn’t feel so bad to pull all-nighters on homework if you’ve spent the day and evening doing things you love and being with people you care about. Plus you can always sleep after college when you are unemployed.

3. All Bwog comments are funny, none should be taken seriously, and all written by the same person. And I know who you are, Jim Applegate!

“Back in my day…” some students got so mad about the quality of food in John Jay that they went on strike. The food didn’t improve, but we got global core and ethnic studies out of it.

Justify your existence in 30 words or fewer: The other day, President Spar told me she would let me transfer to Barnard for my last week of college!

Is the War on Fun over? Who won? Any war stories? Let’s be real. We like the war on fun. We need the war on fun. If we didn’t have a common enemy to unite us, what would we do? Go to football games?

Also, no bar will card you if you show up in drag. Good option until you turn 21. Or after…

Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese? Anyone whose ever had some good fromage à trios knows you can’t have one without the other.

Advice for the class of 2015:

Please sing this advice to the tune of “Tic Toc” by Ke$ho. Preferably out loud in a public setting.

Wake up in September and you’re now in college (what up kids)
Good thing you got advice from a senior’s knowledge
‘Fore you leave, get involved cuz you give a damn
And find those really special friends (like my brother, Sam)!

I’m talkin’ campus it is awesome
But do not be a bum bum
Explore the city some some

Your classes will be great great
But your friend don’t overrate rate
Real bonds you can create

CU, baby blue
Do the things you love to do
Next year, have no fears
Do not stress about careers
Make it last, have a blast
It will all go by too fast

Colum-bia
Colum-lum-bia

Use your brain, keep it sane
Butler is a house of pain
When it’s nice, don’t think twice
Go outside (that’s good advice)
Enjoy it all, spring and fall
Nostalgia will find you all
Colum-bia
Colum-lum-bia

Also, get some rain boots. The drainage here sucks.

Any regrets? If I had only known transferring to Barnard would be so easy…

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16 Comments

  1. Kenneth Ellen Parcell  

    That doesn't even make sense. Everyone knows Fat Bitch died at the end.

  2. um  

    except it's not easy for a man to transfer to barnard, let alone attend barnard after already getting in?

    whoops.

    =/

  3. Anonymous

    dude tries too hard

  4. Anonymous

    I LOVE AVI. his replacement lyrics to a plethora of pop songs are as fabulous as he.

    also since when do sense and logical plot progressions apply to anything tracy jordan stars in? answer: NEVER. FAT BITCH 3, FAT BITCH 3!!!

  5. Anonymous

    Bloody awesome. Avi Edelman, you're a champ.

  6. Idrisul  

    I'm glad your little bitch ass didnt come to any football games. idiot.

    • Anonymous

      If you are the type of person that thinks going to college football games is awesome, you should probably transfer to a state school. This doesn't mean we are inherently better than state schools, it just means that we have zero focus on athletics, and most people here think time and money are better spent enjoying this amazing city and spending more time on academics than seeing fat men wrestle each other. Don't let some testosterone monkey bully you, Avi!

    • You want the respect they get at H,Y, N-D?  

      Win a goddamn game once in a while.

      Until then your sense of entitlement and self-worth is restricted to the literal circle jerk you partake in after practice.

      • actually not a football player

        it's kind of absurd you just put Harvard, Yale, and Notre Dame in the same list
        Harvard and Yale sometimes (not always, really not even often) perform well within the Ivy League but outside that - against schools like ND - there's no contest. Columbia does well enough for itself within the Ivy, which is really all that can be said for any of the Ivy programs. This isn't the era of the losing streak, people! It's not really actual D1 football they play, but it's not as pathetic as most anti-sports-ers like to think.

  7. Creigh Deeds

    Campaign Trip '09 photo? Terrific.

  8. v

    too catchy im in love

  9. Crit Luallen

    Ahhhhhhh! No Avi Edelman publication would be quite right without a parody. Well done, sir. Congrats on graduation. We all know your real claim to fame is your scrumptious cooking for Metta House though.

  10. truth

    Rain boots. Yes. Necessary.

  11. Nnamdi

    just wanted to say that I personally know the Sam referenced at the end of the first stanza.

  12. Anonymous

    Avi is one of the greatest people I've met not just at Columbia, but in life! Love his song, love his advice, and will miss him so much! BC love!
    P.S. His cousin Aviva is a great dancer!

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