Mar

20

SURPRISE, AGAIN

Written by

Time to party/cry forever

As they tend to do, Housing posted lottery numbers a wee bit before the expected date. To discover your housing fate, follow these steps!

  1. Go to the StarRez Portal
  2. Log in with your uni
  3. Click on the Applications link on the upper left
  4. Quiver with anticipation
  5. Select the Academic Year 12-13 application
  6. Feel the sweat glisten on your forehead
  7. Click on Registration Summary
  8. Scroll down
  9. Weep uncontrollably with either misery or bliss
  10. Summon friends, repeat step 9

Vague stock image via Wikimedia

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75 Comments

  1. Anonymous  

    UGH page won't load.

  2. Anonymous  

    yo someone find that program from last year that told you how many groups of a certain size were ahead of you and figure out if it still works? thanks. brb, crying.

  3. Yo  

    so actually the page is frozen. Seems to be keeping in theme with Columbia's administration....

  4. BLARGH  

    i've made so many inhuman noises of disgust when finding out my number that i don't even want to talk about anything anymore

  5. Anonymous

    freshman year - 2745
    sophomore year - 2915
    junior year - 2196

    i love this system

  6. FUCK THIS SHIT

    Senior w/ a 2671

  7. Anonymous

    "The server is experiencing increased load at the present time, and no more logins are allowed.
    Please try again in a few minutes."

    Noooooooooooooooooooo

  8. Anonymous  

    I keep refreshing the page hoping number will change

  9. ~1300, Rising Junior  

    <3


    Captcha: 1,269
    Close, but not quite

  10. Oh hai

    43 MOTHERFUCKERS

  11. anti-nwbar

    During my freshman year, I worked for housing for my work study. All I wanted was to hold onto my precious 6th floor Furnald single, which had been my 100 square feet of privacy from the football players who spent most their time seeing who could create the biggest hole in the concrete wall, and the party girls who believed their Furnald floor should be “Party Central 6.”

    I would occasionally try and overhear any conversations about the upcoming housing lottery by the administration. They would discuss how to substitute rat meat at John Jay, or whether they could turn off the heat in Carmen at night and then promote more floorcest to keep bodies warm, but nothing about the housing lottery. I became nervous. I heard about upperclassmen who had been paired at random in the McBain shaft with that weird kid. THAT weird kid. The one who stayed up watching horse porn, with his chair blocking the door, leading to the only escape by dropping into the shaft, where that monster from Star Wars trash compactor lived.

    Then one day at work, I saw James Joyce, the man responsible for the housing lottery, as well as Ulysses. He wore his Columbia blue button down and a gold chain that had the motto “Club EC” on it. I slowly and cautiously approached him. “Mr. Joyce?” I trembled as he turned to me, the fire already in his eyes. “What do you want puny student,” he responded, each sylaball causing the ground to shake beneath me. “I was curious if you had any say on housing numbers. I mean, I’m a good student. I work hard to keep this office running. I know it’s against protocol, but if you could somehow sway my decision, I would be most grateful.”

    As he began to consider my words, the clouds darkened from above. I tried to run but couldn’t. A giant computer screen came down from above, with my info and my place of living. “Well student,” he bellowed, “I can guarantee you a single next year. A large single, with 150ft of privacy, and a bathroom you only share with four other students!” His words were full of lies.

    “In fact, this is a brand new dorm! You will have fresh equipment and everything. How do you like the sound of that?” I tried to respond with a smile, but I knew this was too good to be true.

    “EXCELLENT! I’ve reserved your room for next year. It is called Harmony Hall.”

    I am now a senior, and have never seen my room. I have lived among those in Butler, sleeping, cleaning, and showering when I can. Occasionally a girl would pity me and my story, invite me to her room, and then abuse me by cuddling for 3 hours and then kicking me out before I could receiving any proper sleep.

    I have tried to locate Harmony again and again, but like Narnia or the Platform 9 and 3/4, I feel it is only for those true of heart, or a wizard, and I will be punished for my sins for life to come. If anyone ever finds it, please let me know.

  12. Anonymous  

    Maybe if they took the extra couple of days (which they claim they will need) to put more logic into the madness, this system wouldn't be as bad.

  13. Anonymous  

    What does 2899 mean?

  14. CANT HANDLE THIS  

    am i the only one, but the website isn't loading. WTFFFFFF

  15. Columbia sociopath  

    I vote that we have a school-wide day of hunting where we kill all the people with numbers above 100... I mean we would all be better off right??

  16. NOOOO  

    fresh with 2827 so getting shafted. Sun I knew thee well

    • person

      You're not going to get shafted because you won't get an assignment.

      Ironically, losing the lottery hard is one of the best things that can happen - most summer transfer housing is better than you'd ever have a a chance to get anyway.

      • The kiddo  

        Even with suite selection I won't get housing?

        • person

          Ah dude I'm not sure, we're already in pretty serious housing wizardry here, Columbia housing is what you would get if Franz Kafka had sex with the infield fly rule.

          I know that general housing gets to pick after suite and there are still rooms left when that happens, so I think that I gave you false hope. If you've got an even number of people you'll all do sophomore pair up and get doubles. They'll be shaft but probably decently high in the shaft, I think, or at least not the bottom - it's the rising sophomores in general selection who fill up the lower circles of hell. You could maybe drop down willingly as a group and choose to go into general selection in the hopes you'll fall through the end, although you won't get to live together, and you may just wind up catching the last rathole.

          2827 is pretty bad though, there aren't a lot of good options.

        • Anonymous  

          You'll have to see how many groups of your size are in front of you and do a bit of math. You can always drop to general from group selection (your number stays with you), and it will be like you started in general.

  17. Anonymous  

    I got 2957 D:<

  18. A little excited  

    i am a sophmore. I got an 80. Does that mean that...... I'll be able to pick into a single?

    • Anonymous  

      I downvoted you because I hate you but I'll offer an answer as well. You should be able to get into Furnald with that. Cut off last year was 10/170.

    • person

      No chance in hell. Two years ago the last Furnald singles went to people with a lottery number of 12. The last. 12. I know back in high school 80/3000 was a "good percentile," and maybe that shit would fly at some lesser school like Brown or Harvard, but this is Columbia. If you didn't want to live like an animal in a filthy cage you should have stepped the fuck up.

    • Definition

      Schadenfraud: Pretending your number is better than it is so you can laugh at people with equally bad numbers

    • a little excited  

      thank you for responding. After posting, I realized that it was rude of me to post at the time when people are still upset about their numbers. I'm sorry. I actually didn;t have any friends who were wanted to room with me, the LLC and SIC's rejected me,so I was pretty depressed when I had to go into housing alone. I just want a single and some peace and quiet. I hope you are right, but I guess there are no guarantees.

      • Anonymous

        Don't worry about it. We're downvoting you because we're jealous, lol. And we are. Give me your number, please?

        (Also, don't worry about having to go into the housing lottery by yourself. Happens to the best of us.)

  19. 2915  

    Are there even that many students on campus? FML. At that number, I don't think I even qualify for any campus housing. I'll happily live in Central Park, thank you very much.

  20. Anonymous  

    question:
    does the lottery number in suite selection mean your number against all groups, or just groups of the same size as yours?

  21. Person with average number

    I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FEEL THE SAME I GUESS

  22. Why hath thou forsaken me?  

    First, the Housing Gods gave me 2800 for my senior year. But, my spirits were bright: I was going to be rolling in money after I converted flex into a nifty gift card courtesy of Rite Aid or CVS. After the clerks informed me that Columbia decided to ban buying gift cards on flex, I looked up at the sky, dropped to my knees. With tears rolling down my cheeks and arms extended, I cried, "Yo, fuck this shit."

  23. cc'14  

    lololololololol FUCK THIS SHIT.

  24. Anon  

    Ignore 'em. Congrats! Furnald is the bomb.

  25. seniors in trouble

    our lottery number is 2734 ... what is going to happen to us?
    what is the worst possible number?
    ps we are a 4-person.

  26. 2546  

    Cheers, best lottery number in 3 years here...
    Upward trend, at this rate I'll break the 2,000s by the time I have kids

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