In what you can’t prove definitively was an attempt to procrastinate this past Sunday night, we searched high and Low (get it?) to get our hands on a copy of The King’s Spear’s very first issue. Joining the ranks of existing satire publications like The Fed and Jester, The ‘Spear parodies goings-on of the Columbia community in faux-news articles like “Local Middle School Team Hosts Training Clinic for Columbia Football.” But with a twist—its editor(s) have shrouded themselves in complete anonymity. Naturally, we had a few questions…
Bwog: What was up with having masked people hand out your first issue in Butler?
King’s Spear Editors: “Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.” – Oscar Wilde.
Also, most of us have gotten into meth quite heavily recently. Our actual faces would have been quite scary.
B: Are you looking for club recognition?
K: Most of us already have a lot of club recognition. In fact, much to the chagrin of the managers at Boom Boom Room and 1 Oak, we have had to tone down our clubbing activities in order to keep a low profile after the King’s Spear was released. If you’ve ever been hit on by a slimy douche bag sitting with a bottle of overpriced vodka at a table in a club downtown, chances are he writes for us. Don’t call that number he gave you in the morning though, it’s a digit too short.
B: Are you hoping to make this a regular thing? If so, weekly? Monthly?
K: Initially we are working for a monthly distribution with additional online content in between each issue.
B: Should we be worried that you’ll steal all of our readers?
K: Aren’t Bwog readers all cum-dumpsters and horrific misogynists? We envision our readers imbibing only respectable amounts of cum, and harboring progressive views of a woman’s role in society.
B: What’s the deal with PrezBo’s hair? Can you guys get to the bottom of that…?
K: Incidentally, one of our Spears has been working undercover on this story. So far, from chemical analyses of a graying pubic hair found on a toilet seat at Nobu, we can determine that a complex product has been applied, at least 32% olive oil, 17% Axe Messy Look styling gel with trace amounts of Rogaine Intimate. Whether the drapes match the carpet is still under investigation.
B: You say you want to steer away from mainstream talking points, but your headlines are about Courseworks and Bacchanal.
You say you wanted to ask questions, but this is a statement. I suppose we all fall into hypocrisy now and then. What we mean is that we won’t be pursuing the stories that the mainstream Columbia media follows, for example your prosaic, yet profound coverage of the lack of air conditioning in Nussbaum housing.
B: How do you recruit while remaining anonymous?
K: We mostly function by a “who you know and who you blow” system. So either of those things can work. More prudish applicants can email us a sample article at email@example.com. We’ll think about it.