At one of the many formals last night, a mysterious whiskey drinker charged his/her beverages on someone else’s tab. The victim spoke out this morning in an email to all of the formal’s attendees, and Bwog was more than happy to publicly shameson this Mr. or Mrs. Jameson. The email below:
Dear whomever charged $60.00 worth of whiskey on my tab last night,
Did you think I wouldn’t notice? I don’t drink whiskey. I only drink beer. You seriously chose a bad person to attribute your classy drinking habits to. Whiskey tastes like death to me.
Seriously. I only. Drink. Beer. I am a cheap cheap drunk. I am seriously like secretly from a trailer park.
Moreover yes—I get drunk. Easily and often. I often get so drunk that I do things like pee myself, or confess my love to random people, or start speaking in tongues, or yell about Jesus, or get angry when people don’t know the lyrics to Genie In A Bottle.
But I am a Jew.
I would never (gasp) get so drunk as to blindly sign a check at a bar without throughly making sure I ingested all these delectable drinks for which I am being charged.
Lucky for you, mr./mrs., I am pretty. And after looking at my check I (very drunkenly, in slurred speech) told the bartender that I didn’t drink that much. Obviously, he didn’t believe me and laughed in my face. I then told him I had a medical condition (?????) that made me only able to drink beer. Now he believed me. Or did he? He took the charges off and I only payed for the 2 Stellas that I had drunk.
Success. Another example of the patriarchy, am I right? What if I had not been an attractive young woman with dark lipstick, mysterious drinker? Then I would have totally had to pay and my parents would be confused when I had a $75 tab on my credit card.
So it goes.
Lchaim my amigos.
I’ll have a whiskey on the rocks and a lack of morals please via Shutterstock