32 Comments
Nick Biekert
You’ve all been waiting — and quite frequently complaining in the comments section — for this one. Ladies and gentlemen on the eve of his graduation: The Dark Hand, Bwog’s eternal shadow haunting the comment space, crusading for some sort of truth and justice, and until recently one of campus’ biggest mysteries. He’s still pretty mysterious, though.
Name, Hometown, School: Nick Biekert from Avon, Connecticut, SEAS
Claim to fame? I am the Dark Hand.
Where are you going? To destroy this post’s comment section…WITH NO SURVIVORS!
3 things you learned at Columbia:
- The fire rises
- It doesn’t matter who we are, what matters is our plan. No one cared who I was ‘til I put on the mask.
- …Oh wait no those last two were just more Bane quotes. Sorry, sometimes I get confused. Since I have no actual wisdom of my own I’ll just quote Ralph Waldo Emerson and say that “a foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.” Like all philosophers, and by extension all humans, he was full of shit. It’s ok though, I still think the quote rings true—and besides if people try to call you on your shit, just claim it’s a postmodernist critique of satire…or something.
Back in my day…Gateway was totally different, although still mildly enjoyable if your group and project were alright, no one talked about CPS or wellness, Theon Greyjoy still had his penis, and Courseworks was actually functional. Sorry Varsity Show, I stole that last one from you guys, and because I tend to avoid platitudes I’ll say you guys did a good job. I don’t know why Bwog has to hate.
…..
Oh yea, and I presume the Spec still sucked, although it’s not like I ever actually read the spec before I took up the crusade for truth and justice.
Justify your existence in 30 words or fewer: I can only hope the world isn’t a worse place when I leave than when I entered it, although the laws of thermodynamics are difficult to subvert.
Write a CU Admirers post to anyone or anything at Columbia: To EVERYONE else here at Columbia, you are all brilliant in your own unique way. I know that sounds corny and cliché but if it’s true anywhere in the world it’s true at Columbia. Well, except a few SEAS professors, that I have some choice words for in my evaluations/CULPA, but even they’re not so bad. I just wish I had started writing mean course evaluations sooner. I have no idea if it actually makes a difference though.
Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese? Sure, why not.
One thing do to before graduating: Take a class outside of your comfort zone just to challenge yourself. I don’t know if that’s good advice considering how brilliant all you people are and how seriously you take your classes. Don’t stress out over it if it’s not your thing, but just do it. What do I mean by ‘you people?’ Columbians. There I said it.
Any regrets? Every day. I don’t know how anyone can claim to live without regrets. Try not to let it eat you up I guess? I’m still learning. Like right now I’m agonizing over each and every single one of these answers. Oh well #YOLO
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32 Comments
@Fem Fat TDH i’m disappointed in you… not a real answer to the oral sex/cheese question. tisk tisk.
@Anonymous so wize – so breve – so I creyed
@Arsene Wenger I creiy for this bravery
@SEAS '13 APAM is where the shadows lie. Mordor ain’t got nothing on us.
@CC 14 First time I’ve ever approved of the use of the word YOLO
@al0 tfw tdh penetrates me with his wisdumz and how can we be sure Theon greyjoy lost his penis?
@brg I want to put it in ur poopur
@Dark Hand Job sup
@broken_symlink finally. my hard work paid off. i submitted soo many nominations for the dark hand.
@Fck 3+2 backdoor colostomy bags You took the bullshit backdoor entrance to Columbia aka the 3+2 program (which I’m in the process of helping to eliminate), so you haven’t been here long enough to appreciate the dark hand’s full legacy. on that note, i have a cousin who got a brain lobodomy, dropped outta high school but then attended marquette university for four years and got into the 3+2 program here because even she could pull off the minimum 3.3 gpa to get in. How do i know youre 3+2? you have been on the Internet long enough to leave a paper trail to your reddit and college confidential posts associated with this dumbass alias. You’re a joke.
@Anonymous You can’t live in John Jay if you are 3+2 ya’ dingus
@The Dark Hand but bro, does your cause even have a shitty wordpress blog?
@hello just a friendly notification that you are a douchebag.
@Anon This is not the first time I have heard from you. I honestly want to understand why you hate this program soo much. Columbia doesn’t have a highly elitist approach to admissions or care who associates itself with the university. I don’t wish to offend anyone but I would like to point out that many people in the 3-2 program have either attended excellent liberal arts colleges like Wesleyan or Georgetown or have received substantial merit aid from their previous lac’s. The minority of people who fall out of this category had to shell out an extra 60000 to attend a bad lac and to be torn apart by seas. I don’t envy these people. I want to point out that columbia has been bringing in 3-2students for decades. I have know a few 3-2s who went on to engineering PhDs at Stanford ,Caltech and MIT. What I don’t understand is why you never seem to attack GS or Barnard which are a much larger portion of the Columbia community (I love both schools). What I am trying to point out is that your logic is flawed and you honestly should not have come to columbia university in the first place if you were to behave like elitist garbage. You might have preferred Brown or Penn. Neither of those schools have 3-2programs and are way more prestigious than Columbia(sarcasm). Caltech must be a shit school according to your logic because they have many 3-2 transfers each year. Why you seem so angered by 3-2 engineers I will never understand. They already have a BA in physics whichsomething I did not have to earn to get into Columbia. I hate how they put that admission is guaranteed if you get a 3.3 because that is an understatement. Most students have great GPAs coming in and the vast majority of people who try to abuse this program fail because they can’t handle all the requirements. But in all seriousness I want to understand why this program pisses you off so much. I am genuinely interested in getting a response. I apologize for any spelling/grammar mistakes in advance.
@Anon FYI Marquette University has its own engineering school and no combined plan.
@drok done kept it real from the jump #YOLO
@Anon Why am I not surprised the Dark hand was in SEAS.
@Anonymous That’s because he’s actually succeeded in producing genuinely funny writing, something at which Spectrum/The Lion fail.
@Anonymous or lived in john jay
@TBB Inclusive disjunction gets me all hot and bothered. [/swoon]
@Your ex-fucking roommate I’m real proud of you, man. You’ve raised the bar for journalistic integrity and professional trolling. I should’ve known that whenever I saw you on your laptop, typing furiously away while cackling evilly, that you were building your reputation as Professional Troll #1. And very nice movie quotes, seems as though my influence from living with you for 2+ years has finally shown itself. JJ134lyfe,
@Anonymous literally could not stop laughing reading this.
@MalBicho I learned absolutely nothing from this post. This post literally just gave me cancur. thx connur
@michaelkrstinedotjpg “eh.”
@Good! Bwog, thank you for not posting any GSers and only a couple BC girls!
@The Dark Hand I think this is a troll I have seen a few trolls in my day
@No! They snuck one in! Gross!
@wishful girl His philosophical thinking is so deep.
It penetrates me
I wish i could get to know him better before he graduated awwwww
@Wishful guy I wish he had penetrated you
@umm > implying the dark hand knows how to penetrate anything other than the Bwog comment section
@whatttt HOLY SHITTTT ITS THE DARK HAND
@The Dark Hand I love u too Bwog