Menu CATEGORIES

Connect with us

CATEGORIES Menu
All Articles

Party Testimonial: Who’s The NSLOP-iest Of Them All

What all of your gratuitous selfies will look like in ten yearsAnother semester, another season of ridiculous parties.  Here, Brennon Mendez brings us back to a better time: NSOP.  If you want to tell Mama Bwog about a crazy party experience, email tips@bwog.com or use our anonymous tip form.

As a wide-eyed freshman* first-year, I had no idea what to expect of my first night as a Columbia student. I had seen a decent amount of shitshows and #canthang moments and developed the belief that college parties couldn’t be that much different than what I’d witnessed in high school.

And then, Carman happened.

The event that kicked off this week of Carman-centric social alcoholism was the now infamous nine-RA party, hosted by the ladies and gentlemen of Carman 8 (a.k.a. the 4-CAVAs-1-week bunch). As a member of the Ocho crew, I stumbled upon a large mass of my fellow freshies in varying levels of movement, from inebriated sways to sexually-frustrated gyrations. An amorphous mass of 50-70 freshmen, armed with  first-night libations, spilled out of the host’s room and into the hall, where a jolly good time was had by all, with no fucks given about the multiple laws/policies being so flagrantly broken.

I pushed my way into the suite through the masses of freshpeople incessantly taking Instas with their “new college friends!!!” Strobe lights, cheap beer, and a suffocating cloud of adolescent pheromones welcomed me to the dorm room.

Cue the “Holy shit, I’m ACTUALLY in college!” realization.

Despite the sardine-can conditions, I hadn’t felt as uninhibited during NSOP as I did that night, surrounded by strangers and dancing around on sticky, beer-glazed linoleum. Dynamic conversation ensued, perhaps the least awkward dialogue between freshmen during orientation week. Things were moving brilliantly until…

BAM PLOT TWIST!!!

In the blink of an eye, nine RAs stormed in with the wrath of Achilles. As the RAs’ message of “bail hard” circulated amongst unwitting freshpeople innocently trying to get their crunk on, the crowd rushed down the stairwell, where ladies in nonsensible heels clung to the handrails, fearing imminent death by stampede. Some of the more timid freshmen seemed paralyzed by fear, apparently having lucid nightmares of being spit-roasted like a kalua pig at PrezBo’s next fireside chat. I stealthily maneuvered my way to my room, promptly changed into pajamas, and returned to the hall under the guise of having been woken by the RA-induced ruckus.

Disappointingly, the nine RAs shut the party down in less than 5 minutes. I retired to my bed, feeling both euphoria and regret for what the rest of the night could’ve been.

According to one satisfied attendee, one or more virginities on her floor may have been lost that night as a result of the party, causing mass sleep deprivation among Carmanites subjected to their suitemates’ squeals, howls, and snorts. She simplified this effect in the following handy equation: suburban teens + jungle juice = primal sex.

This might be presumptuous of me to assert as a recent arrival, but I’d venture to say that living in Carman during NSOP has to be one of the most quintessential Columbian experiences I’m likely to ever have. The priceless facial expressions of the security guards at 3 am, somewhere between subtle amusement and not giving a single fuck. The masses of painfully hip international students chain-smoking on the steps down to 114th trying to decipher the uniquely American phenomenon known as “puke-and-rally.” The indelicate clomping of first-years wearing six-inch heels as a supplement to their brand-new Delaware IDs in an overly earnest attempt to get into an allegedly raging bar down the street called “One-Zero-Two-Zero”.

However, out of all of these priceless images, the Carman 8 party is the one night that is forever in my memory, minus a few hazy bits, and the NSOP 2013 event most poised to become CU legend. As one RA astutely commented, “this [party] is the opposite of low-key”. The Carman 8 party was, indeed, the highest of keys, a proverbial C sharp that still rings in my ears and makes me yearn for the bygone days of NS(L)OP.

*Censored by Interim Dean of Student Affairs Terry Martinez

Back in Bwog’s day… via Shutterstock.

Write a comment

Your email address will not be published.

 

12 Comments

  • Generic chain smoking international student says:

    @Generic chain smoking international student We wern’t trying to decipher anything, we did that shit when were 15

    1. Arsene Wenger says:

      @Arsene Wenger Don’t you usually post under a different name?

      1. Mesut Ozil says:

        @Mesut Ozil I have multiple faces, countless names, I am like the shadow in the wind

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous im tryna bag the tall dark haired one who everyone’s terrified of

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous what’s with all this NSOP/freshman year instant-nostalgia/mythology?

    everyone who had a great time already knows it; these posts will just make everyone who didn’t feel worse, or people who had just an okay/good time like they didn’t do it “right” and exacerbate the already-rampant fear-of-missing-out on campus.

    sorry, I guess I’m just a butthurt upper classman who already feels bad for missing out on these parties when they happened the first time. I guess I’ll go read spec.

    1. @The Dark Hand Nooooo become a true vampire instead

    2. Anonymous says:

      @Anonymous lis dis if u crieyed 2

  • Blunts in Butler says:

    @Blunts in Butler Shit. I missed NSOP again? I still need to get to Under One Roof…

  • 9 RAs, 5 minutes? says:

    @9 RAs, 5 minutes? And you though Columbians were infantilized, sheltered, pro-establishment kids BEFORE the War on Fun.

  • so glad says:

    @so glad I’m not a freshman anymore…

  • SEAS '15 says:

    @SEAS '15 Carman 8 represent.

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous this is not a “crazy” night. at most schools this would be a chill pregame, if that.

  • Have Your Say

    What should Bwog's new tagline be?

    View Results

    Loading ... Loading ...

    Popular This Week

    Sorry. No data so far.

    Recent Comments

    Ah, yes. Cornell University. Ah, yes yes. Such wonderful trees. You have done it again, BOGW. (read more)
    How To Relive Columbia Arbor Day At Home
    May 27, 2020
    Thanks for writing this! Definitely enjoyed the easy reading part and loved the art! (read more)
    Bwog Book Club: W.I.T.C.H. (The Graphic Novel Series)
    May 23, 2020
    TRULY GREAT TIPS BWOG 🦁❤️🦁❤️🎈 (read more)
    Open Letter To Our Professors: Zoom Do’s And Don’ts
    May 22, 2020
    I thought she was a great CC prof. (read more)
    Happy Grad Students: Part One in a One Part Series
    May 20, 2020

    Comment Policy

    The purpose of Bwog’s comment section is to facilitate honest and open discussion between members of the Columbia community. We encourage commenters to take advantage of—without abusing—the opportunity to engage in anonymous critical dialogue with other community members. A comment may be moderated if it contains:
    • A slur—defined as a pejorative derogatory phrase—based on ethnicity, race, gender, sexual orientation, ability, or spiritual belief
    • Hate speech
    • Unauthorized use of a person’s identity
    • Personal information about an individual
    • Baseless personal attacks on specific individuals
    • Spam or self-promotion
    • Copyright infringement
    • Libel