Aficionado of all things apocalyptic, CC sophomore Geoffrey Loss explains the government shut down for the laypeople among us and strongly recommends that you loot Westside while you can.
Welcome to the world of tomorrow! And by tomorrow I mean today because yesterday we had a government and now we don’t. Some of you may have heard about this so-called “government shutdown,” but others might not have. So I decided to do some research on it and holy cow, you guys, did you know we have a House AND a Senate? Did not see that one coming.
Anyway, it turns out that what “the government shutdown” means is that the government shut down. We just don’t have a government anymore. So for all you aging ‘70s punk rockers, this is it—we have achieved anarchy. Except it didn’t come about through a popular youth revolution fueled by the elegant tones of the Sex Pistols or the Ramones. It turns out some people just did one thing and some other people didn’t like it and so instead of talking their way through it like grown adults they just said “fuck it” and turned the whole machine off. I’ll be honest, I’m not too clear on all the details; that House/Senate thing kind of left me shaken up.
There are some basic fiscal consequences: national parks have been shut down, government funded research has been halted, federal employees are no longer being paid (except for the ones who got us into this mess)—but what you might not know is that no government means no rule of law. It’s true. I wasn’t joking about that anarchy thing. They can’t do anything to stop you. So go! Loot! Riot! Walk down Broadway naked! Here are some basic tips to get you started:
- Money, as recognized by the federal government, no longer has any meaning whatsoever. This should make beer runs easier, but it also could mean shortages as people begin looting: so stock up now on Nutella and cutlery from the dining halls, because I know none of you have thought to do that yet.
- Speaking of looting, some of the main places you’ll want to hit are grocery stores like Westside or Morton Williams for food and Duane Reade or Rite-Aid for basic living supplies, like batteries, water bottles, and—aw, who am I kidding? I just hope you make it to International in time.
- On the plus side: CrackDel will be back in business!
- On the minus side: violence will likely be extremely common and you may not make it through the night, so it’d be for the best if you went through as much of your bucket list now as possible. Ladies, I’ll be in the stacks all night. Seventh floor. Bring friends.
- Pro tip: just go out and smash something! Really smash it good! This is the perfect opportunity to finally satisfy the dark voice of the Other in your head. You guys have that too, right?
Some of you may be looking ahead and wondering what the next step in this government shutdown is, besides the total anarchy and chaos already erupting in the streets. Well, there are two possibilities. Either it gets resolved, or, it doesn’t get resolved. If it doesn’t get resolved, I would brush up on your ThunderDome skills. Worst case scenario, move to Canada; there at least they have health care and a functioning government.
Of course, this could well be resolved very soon through simple nonpartisan communication and compromise at the highest levels of government. On the other hand, that almost certainly won’t happen, so instead I propose the following solution:
Gather all the members of Congress, have them take out their penises (penii?), and measure them. Whichever party has, on average, the bigger congressmembers will given control of government. Points will be awarded for length, girth, and symmetry. In the event of a tie, Harry Reid and John Boehner will go head to head, as it were, and compare their own hairy reed and John Boehner. The winner will be declared King of the United States and given great bragging rights among his male friends. It certainly can’t be a less effective system than we have right now.
Anyway, happy looting!
Look at how janky that cancel button is via Wikimedia Commons