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How Hard Is Your…Paper?

spongebob 4evr

How our paper’s going.

In honor of all the papers being written this week (inb4 SEAS complaints—we know, we know! You’re working much harder than all of us combined!) paired together with the extreme thirst apparent on CU Admirers, let’s talk about sex. We’ve already determined how CC and LitHum authors are in bed, but how about us lowly students? Here we divulge how Bwoggers are in bed, if the papers we’re working on were a direct reflection of that.  Share your own in the comments, write us some Admires, and good luck!

How are you in bed based on the paper you’re working on right now?

  • Unbelievably hot dirty talk of everything you’re going to do, but you immediately slip into missionary. No one gets off.
  • Unwilling to switch positions.
  • “You came. You totally came, I could tell.  Stop saying you didn’t get off, I know you did.”
  • Really good foreplay with an even better finish, followed by soulful snuggles.
  • Let’s be real, one cares only about the foreplay and orgasm. The middle is kinda awkward but whatever, it doesn’t matter that much if the intro and conclusion are memorable.
  • Furious ineffectual dry humping.
  • As it goes on, the riding gets worse. No finale, no fireworks.
  • You can only do it on Adderall Viagra.
  • It’s an all-nighter. I might be tired, but it was worth it.
  • Bad.
  • “I’m on my period but we can just make out a little I guess….”
  • Quick, sloppy, and rough.

  • This isn’t sex. This is making love. Every move has a purpose. Creative. Exciting. We both miss our 10 am class because we wake up and go again, but this is what makes life worth it.
  • No foreplay at all but then BAM for a rousing finale.
  • It’s a group project.
  • Wham bam thank you Music Hum ma’am.
  • First you rip off those super cool tear-away pants, lots of dramatic flare. The rest of the undressing is mostly fumbling in the dark, taking off socks. The body looks alright, I guess, concluding adequately but with little creativity.
  • Performance anxiety because of previous experiences.
  • Boring/vanilla/missionary-only sex, business-like and over in like 10 minutes. Fall asleep IMMEDIATELY afterward with no pillow talk.
  • Not cumming out of this alive.
  • Partner’s starting to get pissed that it’s taking you so long to finish.
  • 12 inch font required.
  • Good at copying other people’s moves, but there’s no passion in it…
  • Too tired to start. Just angry and tired of talking about it. Things aren’t going well. We all know it. Let’s just stop pretending things will get better. Nevertheless, will pound it like crazy just because I can. Angry break-up sex: so good but so bad.
  • Got excited, went too fast, bitch didn’t come, oops.

And, finally:

I just do my usual thing, but then she comes back the next day holding this little stick, and she says “Babe, we gotta talk.” And I’m like, “No, no way, I wrapped everything up so nicely, it was a good, safe finish with nothing left hanging.”

She says, “I know, but look at this babe. It’s positive, you know what that means.”

I got another fucking B-.

Spongebob reference via a Google search that led us to this Tumblr

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6 Comments

  • o man says:

    @o man too real

  • Laura says:

    @Laura Please keep posting more absurd things. I’m out of ways to distract myself from working!

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous I’m drinking and studying right now. To continue the theme, I’m getting a bad case of whiskey dick.

    1. lbr says:

      @lbr sometime around your fifth semester here, everyone realizes that studying drunk is the only way to study

  • THIS IS SO FUNNY says:

    @THIS IS SO FUNNY that’s all.

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous “Dictionary.com defines the term as…

    …and in conclusion, we find the heteronormative, transphobic implications posed by Dictionary.com’s definition…[more of same shit, with more sweat]”

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