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Things Barnard Could Not Have Heard

The man, the legend

The man, the legend

So we all knew that Frederick Augustus Porter Barnard revitalized Columbia’s School of Mines, but did you know that he also founded Columbia’s School of Mimes? Just kidding, not really, but he was actually deaf. According to Professor James C Egbert, who knew him when he was President of Columbia:

He was very deaf, and his desk was fitted up with a sort of amplifier through which the person who was calling upon him was compelled to speak. This was very awkward when one was particularly anxious to make an impression on him.

In honor of Gus Barnard, as he was known to his friends, here are some quintessential Barnard sounds we would play in his desk ear-trumpet, were he alive today:

  • A girl screaming “wait, I forgot my purse” in the quad at 2 am, perfectly audible from every room on the block
  • The tinkling of the Riverside carillon
  • The creepy as fuck whispering sound tunnel by the mailboxes
  • WBAR
  • The crash of cutlery hurriedly thrown into that narsty bin in Hewitt
  • The futuristic voice of the woman who says “going up” in the Diana elevator
  • The click of a high-heeled power-walk through Barnard Hall
  • The horrifying noise the heaters make in every residence hall except Sulz
  • Screams and cheering at Midnight Breakfast, Greek Games, Founder’s Day
  • Drum music in the Annex Studio for African dance
  • Lesbian shower sex noises
  • Hava Nagila in the quad on Orgo Night

What are we missing?

 Sweet beard via Wikimedia and Paint

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  • YESSS says:

    @YESSS For real tho, fuck the sound tunnel. I’m just tryna get my mail and then this breathy Chamber of Secrets voice has to interrupt

    1. also says:

      @also WBAR forever

  • Oh, Bwog says:

    @Oh, Bwog You just spent one entire post making fun of a deaf person.

    1. Anon says:

      @Anon Oh hush stop being so joyless

      1. Oh, commenter says:

        @Oh, commenter Easy enough for the hearing enabled to say. Why don’t we make fun of someone in a wheelchair next time? Or someone who’s blind?

        1. words says:


          1. the more you know says:

            @the more you know don’t worry, Bwog isn’t entirely cis.

    2. ohplease says:

      @ohplease @Oh, Bwog: Don’t know how you got those “What is the main idea?” questions right on the SAT…but don’t worry, you won’t have to take it again.

  • BC'13 says:

    @BC'13 This is a despicable article on so many levels.

  • Blunts in Butler says:

    @Blunts in Butler Me taking a big fucking bong hit.

  • Ex Quad Resident says:

    @Ex Quad Resident Don’t forget straight shower sex noises. Gender fluid bathrooms yo.

  • uhm says:

    @uhm i like the article yea

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