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Ménage à Bwog: Where Will You Sex?

Be nice to your neighbors! (Also JLaw?)

Be nice to your neighbors! (Also JLaw?)

Ménage à Bwog is back! After a brief hiatus, Bwog returns with your weekly dose of sexy fun and dirty puns. This time around, Momma Bwog has a Columbia dormitory guide that you won’t find on Housing’s website. Here is our list of where to have loud noisy sex on campus, for those of you who tend to get a bit wild. Try them out, and send in your experiences tips@bwog.com, or use our anonymous tips form.

Nussbaum 

This would be an ideal sex den. The walls are soundproof, as they are actual walls and not hollow cinderblocks. However, due to the hardwood floors, it is best to put down a rug to minimize thumping and bumping noises emanating to the floors below. Also private bathrooms make those quick dashes across the hall inconspicuous and guilt-free.

Rating: Butler 209. It is a pretty solid choice any day of the week, but you wouldn’t take someone special here.

Carman

Fairly decent sound insulation from the hallway, but not so much from your suitemates or your neighbors on the other side. Add a bit of music if you don’t want your suitemates to find out, but, oh wait, you’re sharing a bathroom that you’ll probably clean up in afterward anyway. When the other party leaves, anyone in the hallway won’t know which of the four he/she was visiting, which is a bonus.

Rating: The stacks during the day. Yeah, there might be people there, but you just don’t care because they’ll never know it was you.

Watt

It depends what part of the room you choose. The walls are thin enough that you’ll occasionally hear quiet music coming from other rooms on weeknights; but you should be fine as long as you’re close enough to the middle of the room. You have your own bathroom and kitchen though, so really no privacy complaints unless you’re in a studio double. However, you can  hear the people who live above you walking around…..so it’s best stick to the bed or mattress.

Rating: NoCo. Great facilities, but you have to be smart about where you sit

Woodbridge

Great, pretty decently soundproof walls, except that there are some random little pipes and chutes and things which convey sound from one random place to another so next thing you know your friends on the other side of the building and down a floor KNOW EVERYTHING. Also if your boo has a roommate it 1. depends if they split rooms or are sharing one and 2. is generally better if the roommate just gets out of the room for the night because the inter-room doors are not at all soundproof. *Sidenote: the bathroom cleaning people in Woodbridge are fucking ninjas meaning they’ll come in the morning and clean the bathroom right there and no one stirs.

Rating: That classroom in Carman. You can do it, but sometimes you’ll get caught going into/out of Carman and your friends will make fun of you.

Schapiro

You can hear basically anything from almost anywhere on the floor. It’s like a giant cave or something: you make a tiny peep and it echoes for miles. Bwog once got locked out with our music playing very softly and went next door to borrow a cell phone only to realize that our neighbors could hear every word super clearly. It was… eye-opening. On the bright side, Schap is pretty antisocial so your walk of shame will be minimally shameful. Sooooo if you’re into super quiet sex (or having quite the reputation on your floor), Schap is the place for you.

Rating: The chapel. It’s so quiet that you feel like you’re doing something wrong, but you also kinda like walking on the wild side.

East Campus

EC walls within suites are hella not soundproof, so unless you’re in one of the rooms disconnected (i.e. not sharing a wall) with anything, everyone will find out. Have fun sneaking out the next morning. [Ooh unless they have one of the 2-bedroom in which case YOU WON THE LOTTERY. Rooms are totally disconnected by the kitchen/bathroom so you’re fucking set.]

Rating: Ferris. Better than John Jay, but damn that pasta can get greasy.

Ruggles

Actually pretty decent, but again suite style so if anyone’s in the hallway/kitchen you might wanna stifle for a bit (you can hear them talking and it is very funny) and also HAVE FUN SNEAKING OUT OF THERE everyone in the suite will know. Everyone. Unless you’re wearing soft-soled shoes (or don’t put your shoes on till you get out) to get down the hardwood floor suite hallway quietly. But yeah the main difficulty also is if you wanna take a bathroom/food/water break, suite style will make that difficult.

Rating: Chipotle?

McBain

McBain is great. So good. Just as long as you and your roommate / boo and his/her roommate are on good terms. No rules in McB.

Rating: JJ’s Place. So good but so bad.

Wallach

Great sound insulation, hardwood floors and bathroom distribution. Just don’t go to the lounge because everyone will be there and they will judge you. Wallach 7 also had an empty storage closet right next to the bathroom, not sure if other floors do. It didn’t have lights, but the door locked and there was one outlet. Nobody ever used it for anything, but we called it the “smush room.” (Bwog has no idea whether anyone used it as such or not). However, it’s absolutely perfect since it’s soundproof, dark, cozy, and you’ll only get caught on the off-chance that someone else wants to use it for sneaky sex.

Rating: The music library. A completely unappreciated paradise.

Broadway

Broadway fucking sucks the walls are paper thin and the rooms are tiny and the bathrooms are communal and down the hallway and no goodbye. Your best bet is to blast music but you will not fool a person.

Rating: Shitty tiny room on the 7th floor of Hamilton at 8:40AM.

Their jealousy via ShutterStock

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21 Comments

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous Why is Symposium not on here YOU HEAR EVERYTHING

    1. Yeah says:

      @Yeah All dat pederasty, tho

      1. I know says:

        @I know Those women in the basement just never stop

      2. ! says:

        @! FAVORITE THIS BWOG

  • the diana says:

    @the diana the quad? elliott? plimpton? 110? CG? 600? 616? 620?

    1
    1
  • CG says:

    @CG Is a sex paradise… Walls reasonably thick, huge common space for pre Smush play, private bathroom w/2 showers…sex==ideal. So far from campus, the walk of shame burns off all those booze calories from the night before.

  • BSGS says:

    @BSGS Um… we voted for Bwoggy style… It won. Democracy now. Correction needed.

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous Menage a Bwog isn’t funny. Bwoggy Style is funny.

  • CC gal says:

    @CC gal Yo, the walls in Nussbaum are def not soundproof – sophomore year, I could hear my neighbor and her boyfriend gettin’ it on basically every Sunday and the occasional Tuesday night. Odd that I would remember these days, but they did seem to have a somewhat regular schedule. Good for them, really.

  • KMB says:

    @KMB THANK YOU for not turning this into another chance to bash Greek life. THANK YOU.

    1. omg says:

      @omg must we

      1. Janice says:

        @Janice Damien! Can we not?

  • anonymous says:

    @anonymous John Jay – walls are thin. But spacey rooms. Perfect for rolling around. I guess it’s also cool to show off that you’re having sex when you’re a freshie.
    McBain — thicker walls but ew ew ew ew bathrooms ew. Last place I wanted to go post-coitus.
    Lerner Party Space – you could probably get away having sex here without being noticed more easily than you could get away having having sex in Broadway or any of the other paper-thin-walled dorms
    Wallach — thin walls
    Shapiro — thick walls
    Claremont — thick walls sorta plus nice showers to have sex in
    Broadway — really thin walls.
    Watt — sex in the living area on the couch awwww hell yeah
    East Campus — thin walls and floors in townhouses, a roommate overheard me going at it a level below but hey shower sex

  • um says:

    @um in what world exactly does wallach have good sound insulation

    please tell me bc i want to live in that world

  • Hogan says:

    @Hogan Hogan has real thin walls. Ask Wilfred.

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous lol bwog thinks i’m having sex

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous nussbaum’s walls are definitely not soundproof. ;-)

  • goddam batman says:

    @goddam batman i’m the goddam bwog

  • WALLACH VII says:

    @WALLACH VII damn we made that closet pretty

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous excuse me there is an error in this article no one has ever had sex in Wallach thank you

  • im tough says:

    @im tough @im-tough hates soundproofing. Everybody needs to hear

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