Mar

28

Screw The Stacks

Written by

this was shot in butler

We heard about a sexpert, a master of hooking up in our favorite library, so we joined him for a personal tour of the sexiest spots in Butler. Bwog and the legend—let’s call him “Jerry” to get the “BJ” effect in the dialogue— met in Butler’s majestic lobby, shook hands, and got down to business.

Bwog: So where are we going?

Jerry: We’re going to the 5th floor to start. I guess when you’re thinking about—this is so weird to say—when you’re thinking about places to go, it depends on the time of day, and then also the time of year: whether or not it’s finals or not, whether or not the 5th and 6th floor are open, etc.

B: Mhmm.

The ding marks our arrival onto the 5th floor. We walk forward.

J: This is the best room. For everything.

BUTLER SEX SPOT NO. 1: The 5th floor kitchen, Lerner side. After everyone goes home around 6, they lock this door between the kitchen and the offices, but leave the door to the kitchen from the hallway propped open. B-I-N-G-O.

J: You can’t really use it on weekends, but during the week it’s great. You’ve got a sink, you’ve got a table, you’ve got everything. And, you can close the door, and it locks. [demonstrates] So if you’re really nervous about all of that stuff, it’s perfect. Anything you want to do, and anytime, as long as it’s after hours and on a weekday. But, sometimes on the weekend it’s also unlocked. It just depends on whether the maintenance guy leaves it open. Sometimes you can get lucky.

B: Are you okay with revealing this secret?

J: You know, as long as no one uses it when I want to use it, then it’s great.

We move along, turning a corner and opening a door leading to the heart of Butler.

BUTLER SEX SPOT NO. 2: The stacks, duh. Generally it’s good to pick odd floors of the stacks, because there are two floors for each Butler level. The odd floors have fewer people because students can’t get in directly from a Butler level; you’ll mostly have people actually searching for books.

J: Generally when you think about the stacks, you think about the stacks before they close and after they close. So if you want to go in after they close, it’s really easy to stick a book in the door. A lot of people do that to study anyways. There are different types of doors. For this one, you can just find a slim book from over there [points to bookcase]. For others that actually go into a lock, you can stuff them with paper towels.

B: Kinky.

J: The best place in general is behind the elevator shaft, because then you only have people coming in from one direction. If you’re on an odd floor and pick something people don’t study so much—like…Russian—it’s less likely for people to be walking down. If it’s after hours, no one is going to be walking by, because they only use the desks. When looking for a specific place, the best is where there are no books. There are a lot of empty bookshelves in the stacks. The advantage of an empty bookshelf is that you can actually lift it off like this [a loud noise appears on the audio recording], and sit.

B: Oh wow!

J: You can adjust for height or whatever you want to do [laughs]. You can put it back or not put it back when you’re done. You can also have something to hold onto [reaches above to grab bookshelf].

It is reiterated how much even-numbered floors of the stacks are bad as we walk down the hallway to the other side of the floor.

J: So you know about the 8th and 9th floor graduate reading rooms? Sometimes you can get lucky with those, too. I had a TA once who I met with who said he would always leave his open, so I would use it.

BUTLER SEX SPOT NO. 3: Graduate reading rooms on floors 8 and 9. You’re unlikely to be able to use these on a regular basis unless you cultivate a relationship with a TA because they’re almost always locked.

He goes on.

J: Another great spot, depending on what you’re looking to do, is here. Most of this floor is shut down pretty early at night when it’s not finals. What they don’t lock is this door.

BUTLER SEX SPOT NO. 4: In the hallway within the unlocked 501 copy room. If it’s nighttime and not finals, not a soul should bother you. The door has a large window in it, but if you use the nook to the right by the reading room (which will be closed and thus empty at night), you are good to go.

We walk up the stairs.

J: So the 6th floor [the door squeaks open as we walk in] also gets shut down pretty early, at the same time as the 5th floor. When there’s nobody around, this is a really good place.

BUTLER SEX SPOT NO. 5: Outside of the RBML on the 6th floor, NE Corner. You’re essentially in a cozy, wood-paneled nook. The ambience is unbeatable, and being steps away from important works of mankind might inspire you to perform at your best.

J: It’s dead quiet here, so you can hear people a mile away.You have nice scenery, and you’ve got your cherry or whatever kind of wood this is [rubs cabinet].

No, maybe one doesn’t have their cherry. We walk up some more stairs.

J: So they used to have this all blocked off, but I guess it’s not now. They’re graduate students so there’s not really a lot of traffic in the room, though philosophy students tend to work at weird hours.

BUTLER SEX SPOT NO. 6: Outside of 701: Post-MPhil Research Space. It’s basically a closed-off landing of a staircase reminiscent of a sanitarium. Get to it by going up the slightly hidden staircase to the right of the RBML, “Access to Floor 7 East.” To go up the staircase only leads to the very infrequently used 701 (which requires swipe access). There’s an exit door up there, so you would only have to worry about people leaving, but you don’t. It’s deserted up there and very isolated.

B: So is this always open?

J: This is never open. Undergraduate students can’t get in here because they have to swipe, so you only have to worry if the graduate students are coming out. So this space is very quiet. There is no reason for anyone to come up here. Ever. This staircase literally leads to nowhere.

Bleak. As we wait for the elevator to come, we chat some more.

J: Back to the stacks, they’re really great for everything. One time I pre-gamed formal there because I had a paper due the same night. I brought some Vodka. It was great.

B: Do you prefer the stacks or all of those other spaces we saw?

J: The fifth floor kitchen is the best. It’s just got everything you could possibly need, and the door locks behind you, so you’re safe.

B: I love the fifth floor, too. I use the girl’s bathroom across the hall from there all the time because no one is ever in there.

J: Yeah, that’s like a small girls’ bathroom, right? I’ve been in there, too. [laughs]

Back down to the ground floor.

BUTLER SEX SPOT NO. 7: Media Center, 208b, which is on the John Jay side of 209. Students on duty are supposed to lock it at night, but sometimes they forget. It’s a nice room, if extremely close to a lot of studiers. Walk in with confidence, and no one should question you. Alternatively, you could ask nicely for staff to open the door.

J: Other than that, I don’t mess around with the 2nd or the 3rd floors.

B: What about the basement?

J: I actually haven’t. It’s on my list.

B: Do you ever go to other libraries at all?

J: To study?

B: For any reasons.

J: Avery sometimes, but it’s kind of dark. NoCo has a lot of natural light, but there aren’t any nooks or crannies.

B: Are you doing the King’s Quest?

J: I hadn’t heard about that, but I’ll do that now! Apparently I’ve done two out of the three.

B: Have you ever been caught in Butler?

J: No. Close calls, but never caught.

B: How many times would you estimate you have done it in Butler?

J: About 6 or 7. Nothing crazy, but I’ve tried out all of the places I’ve showed you.

B: You don’t feel bad about doing the dirty deed within this sacred place?

J: No, I feel like I’m enhancing the sanctity of these hallowed halls! It shows that you’re really engrossed in living here, and taking it in in all of it’s different forms. People eat here and don’t think that’s bad—it’s such a social scene. I think it’s just part of life and experiencing Columbia to the fullest. It allows you to spend more time here, and when you go back to studying, you can be more productive. It’s a holistic experience.

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5 Comments

  1. anon

    Best thing on Bwog in a while

  2. Public Safety  

    I love these articles.

  3. Anonymous  

    Who is this Jerry, and can he take me for a "private" tour?

  4. George Costanza's mum  

    I always thought the Seinfelds were strange people.

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