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What a time to be alive

On Tuesday night, a group of brave bwoggers ventured where no CU student had gone before: the recently opened Beer Hall, Bernheim & Schwartz. Warning: choices not suitable for a Tuesday were made. 

Bernheim & Schwartz (aka the place where Havana Central used to be) doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue. However, the possibilities for “Weekend At Bernie’s” references are nearly endless, and for that we are grateful.

Inside, Bernie’s is spacious and well lit. Decorated like the lovechild of a dive bar and a repurposed olde timey apothecary, the bar area has a perfect hip-without-really-trying vibe. A classier alternative to 1020 this might prove. There are plenty of tables and a nice back room, which would be great for Senior Night *hint hint.* Less great for Senior Night? The fact that Bernheim & Schwartz closes at 12:30 on Wednesdays and at 1 am on the weekends. You gotta make those hours count.

The back section of Bernie’s, left open during the era of Havana, has been divided into a closed-off Beer Hall and a room with picnic-style seating; “for weekends,” says our waitress as she gamely answers our questions and waits for us to order. We sit at a high-top table and discuss how much food we can order on Bwog’s dime.

DRINK ONE: For those of you who would turn up your nose at a week’s worth of ramen, Bernie’s has several highbrow menu offerings. Sashimi tuna tacos and beef filet mignon sandwiches are listed alongside bar favorites like roasted nuts and pretzels. After much bickering, we decide on a round of beer and buffalo chicken wings. While the prices won’t break the bank, Bernie’s is certainly not as cheap as most other Morningside institutions – appetizers run between $5 and $7, while main courses skirt $20. Like Havana before it, Bernie’s is more of a “once in a while” splurge than a casual meal spot.

DRINK TWO: Our waitress explains that Bernie’s only serves its own house-brews from Brooklyn, prompting one Bwogger to remark, “how hip of you.” Beer comes in small, medium, and large and, starting at $6, is fairly reasonably priced. The cocktails, on the other hand, are roughly a million dollars per drink (on average around $13). Though Bernie’s might be a nice place to have a few beers with friends, it certainly won’t threaten 1020’s hold on the Columbia masses – until they can match the $5 drink specials, that is. I shake my head derisively at the cocktail menu and instead start with a beer called “Orange Blossom Light,” which is sweet, delicious, and well-worth $6.

DRINK THREE: Although they don’t have a ton of options for beer, Bernie’s seems to be going to quality over quantity. One Bwogger proclaims that “it wouldn’t actually be that hard to try all these beers in one night.” Was that a challenge? Just then, our chicken wings arrive, looking quite classy on a bed of microgreens. Served at a temperature of roughly 10,000 degrees, the wings burn the shit out of my tongue almost immediately. I keep eating anyway. They are pretty amazing.

DRINK THREE: The kitchen closes at 10PM, so we hang onto our wings like good ol fashioned horders. I try a beer that’s darker, but it still fairly sweet. What’s with the sweet beer? It’s delicious! I never drink on a Tuesday! Who goes out on a Tuesday? Who am I? This is so fun!

DRINK FOUR: This crowd is so young and well dressed. What is this, a convention for young professionals and hipsters? As I am neither, I take a moment to reflect. Also, why are these bar stools so damn high I feel like I’m just dangling in space??

DRINK FIVE: This place reminds me of Daniel Radcliffe like what’s that movie he’s in where he’s gay it reminds me of that. It’s like the Madewell of bars, you know what I mean? Everyone is so cute and in a sweater. What’s this place called again I have no idea I’m going to just call this place the west end. It doesn’t matter.

BATHROOM REVIEW: bathrooms are ok there’s a random pole in the middle but I’m fine.

DRINK SIX: Woah we just went into the beer hall and its like a whole other bar inside the bar! It smells likelumber. A + grade, would go here for semiornight everyy night!!!!

** at this point the staff of Bwog retired to 1020. On a Tuesday.