In UNI we trust

A terrible angle for a terrible loss.

The rumors are true: UNI Café is shut down. When attempting to get our daily udon soup and large sugar cookie, Bwog was confronted with dark windows, an eviction notice, and hopeless despair. To remember our most honored Columbia hangout, UNI enthusiast Josh Dillon composed this heartbreaking eulogy.

Note: this is best read with tissues and boxed wine (preferably white as it induces hangovers and general unhappiness).

“I still find it difficult to believe that you are really gone. It felt like it was only yesterday that you were branded UNI Café after the previous café, Pinnacle, was shut down. Life isn’t going to be easy without you, but thanks to all of your coffee and late-night pizza, I know that I at least got one A in college.”

“As most of you already know, my friend UNI was a hard worker. Whenever I would roll out of bed five minutes before class, UNI already had my bagel order ready, probably because I was the only person who ate there—this is something I cannot thank it enough for.”

“Although it is gone, I’m sure that UNI will never be forgotten. UNI was a loyal friend and colleague who only wanted to be quirky and interesting.”

“One of the most precious memories that I’ll remember forever of UNI Café is that time that it was shut down. Your “B” health rating and rat infestation were the only reasons why you weren’t always crowded with students. I love you for that.”

“Cafés like my UNI Café don’t come around often. As I said before, it’s difficult to believe that you’re gone. Not a day is going to go by that I won’t think of you. So until the next café springs up in your spot, I love you.”

Legal possession