A “candid,” as the youths call it.

Need bad advice? Interested in seeing your life go up in flames and down the drain? Never fear — our trusty editor Tatini Mal-Sarkar is here to save you from yourself your worst nightmare. Notorious for poor life choices, who better to guide you through the trials and tribulations of the college years? This session, we bring you our handy-dandy guide to that timeless question that likely had even Aristotle scratching his head: what should I wear for rush?

Dear Tats,

Literally all I have ever wanted in this life is to be a sorority girl – or a srat, as they are colloquially known. Next week is rush recruitment, and I’m quivering in my boots at the prospect of impressing a room full of beautiful, polished young women. Such gleaming, styled locks of hair! So many statement accessories! So much coral! So tell me, dear Tats, o proprietor of savory fashion advice, what exactly should I wear for this most perilous of events?

Sincerely, What’s Wrong With Bodycon?

Dear What’s Wrong,

Your pseudonym already hints at the difficulties we’re going to have with you. What’s wrong with bodycon? Are you serious, What’s Wrong? More like, what’s right with bodycon? No one should see your body until you are married and in a grave, probably. Good Lord, what’s next? Unkempt hair? Premarital sex? God forbid, beer? How uncouth.

To help you and others in your precarious, immoral, poorly-dressed position, I’ve decided to create a handy-dandy set of Polyvore outfit inspiration – or, as your soon-to-be sisters (if we’re at all successful in our mission) would say, outspo. Haven’t heard the term yet? You probably don’t get out much, do you?

First we’ve got the Puritan/Medieval Peasant. This look really shows your future sisters that you’ve got your priorities straight and you know how to land a husband! Nothing says sexy like a floor-length burlap sack paired with a sacrilegious rosary (anything for the sake of accessories). The only thing you could possibly add is this sapphire belt. Looks, fashion, and jewels? You’ve got it in the bag sack!

Put the fun in nun!

Next we’ve the perennial classic, the all-nude. Now most srats only know the power of a good nude pump, but you know better. Nude is the new pink is the new black. Take it to the next level with an all-nude outfit. Obvi end with a nude lip, nude eye, and nude eyebrows. Why limit yourself?

Nude is the new pink is the new black.

But none of this holds a candle to that most serious of srat priorities: sisterhood Lululemon. Show off your loyalty to eat pray love, yoga, and cultural appropriation by sporting head-to-toe Lulu. Finish with Uggs for the complete look, and head to a Saturday morning vinyasa sesh at the store itself! ~Om.~

lolla for lulu! lololololzz

It is important, though, that the chapter know how damn good you always look. To this end, why not just bring out the old prom dress? Senior prom, obvs; no one wants to see the ugly-ass thing your stepmother bought you to go with your neighbor junior year. Let everyone know who was queen bee at your high school, and unlike Blair Waldorf, your glory will not be limited to Constance Billard.

You peaked.

Last but not least, why beat around the bush? Subvert the regime and abscond petty politics by cutting out nude pumps, and just go nude. Feed off inevitable comments about your frizzy bedhead and daddy issues by showing off quite literally everything you’ve got to offer. Naked is the new nude is the new pink is the new black. After all, with a hot bod like yours, every day is birthday suit day!

Naked isn’t just for eye makeup anymore, ladies!

Whew, that was a lot! Hopefully somewhere in all that great outspo you’ll find something to make the best impression on your spankin’ new fam! Best of luck, and remember: clothes are great, but it’s what’s inside that really counts.

XOXO, Tats