Continuing our series of fictional Columbia Personas, we present our next
victim subject: The Butler Beer Squatter.
But first, a story…
Whilst perusing some Communist literature in Ye Old Butler Library, one curious Bwogger happened upon the nest of a mysterious creature. In its den, the creature hoards beer cans and bottles from lands far, far away; beer so unheard of, so obscure, that the ordinary college student–nay, the ordinary Columbia student–knows not of these brands. Upon discovering the creature’s lair, our intrepid Bwogger shared her discovery with fellow staff members. She told tales of Morton Willliams bags strewn about, of empty takeout containers left for who knows how long, and of bottles upon bottles of strange beers. The staff was aghast. Who could this beer-drinker be? Several more Bwoggers ventured out and attempted to glimpse at the creature in its lair, but each time they found only empty bottles and other belongings scattered about. The creature was nowhere to be found.
Disappointed, the Bwoggers wondered what to do with their knowledge of this secret hideout. It was clear that the creature had thoroughly nested in its Butler cave, so there had to be more to this story than the occasional forbidden drink. No…a new species of Butler Camper had emerged: the Butler Beer Squatter.
The Bwoggers brainstormed, and decided that this new species would be the perfect subject for a fictional Columbia Persona. The staffers imagined the cherished items that the Beer Squatter carries–Would there be books? Binders? More beer?
Now we present to you the completed Persona of the Butler Beer Squatter. The grim fluorescent lights and washed-out linoleum backdrop mirror the harsh reality of the Beer Squatter’s fate: always hunted, forever on the run.
Item descriptions: (Top left to bottom right)
- Nondescript messenger bag
- Mysteriously empty binder
- Unread copy of Infinite Jest
- Treasured bag from the Strand (to carry unread Infinite Jest)
- Black Moleskine to house genius, yet misunderstood, ruminations
- 6 pennies: the useless change that one accumulates after purchasing alcohol to consume while pondering the world’s suffering
- Empty takeout container
- Headphones to drown out the fear and insecurities that haunt the Butler halls
- Scraps of some assignment, long forgotten
- Hardcover book (for the hardcore literary prodigy)
- Crumpled musings of the misunderstood artist
- Pens dripping in consumerism; they reek of shady manufacturing ethics
- Campari, a bitter drink for these bitter times