The world has been a mess and a half lately and we at Bwog are heartbroken over the amount of pain in the universe. That being said, we’re pretty sure someone sent some guardian angels to Morningside Heights to look out for us CU kids… the inexplicable Duane Reade bears. Now, if it was almost Valentine’s Day, we would take the bears at face value: gimmicky gifts doubling as window decor, perfect for the misbehaving girlfriend or the hapless husband looking for a gift to put them back in the green with their partner.
However, it’s the middle of November, and these bears aren’t festive in the least: no green-and-red ribbon accoutrements, no jingle-bell attachments, and (as far as we know, we are wary to poke the bears) no little speaker that plays “Holly Jolly Christmas” embedded in their stomachs. Just standard, albeit rather large, teddy bears, vacantly staring out of the DR windows onto the Broadway sidewalks.
Is this the corporate pharmaceutical response to #cuffingseason? Did a DR higher-up’s daughter go HAM in a Build-a-Bear workshop, leaving the exec to deal with the adorable detritus left in her wake? Are the bears a misguided attempt to comfort stressed-out Columbia kids in this season of family fights, the “Turkey Dump,” ungodly amounts of work, and Seasonal Affective Disorder? Did Millie the Dancing Bear have a bunch of illegitimate children that have now come demanding money for their college tuitions? Is this a way to thwart the university’s “no pets” policy without actually taking on responsibility for a living, breathing animal?
We asked the tipster who sent us the photo of the bears to buy us one, and he responded: “No.” Are these bears really effective as a tool of cheerful union, or yet another reminder that we’re all truly alone in the universe? BRB, gonna go buy one and find out. If nothing else, it will keep my toes warm on those cold, cold November nights.
P.S. This article was not sponsored by Duane Reade, but if you at DR want to send a gigantic teddy bear our way, we won’t complain…