“I’m older, but am I any wiser?”

Brought to you by a Bwogger who wishes to remain anonymous, this is the third and final installation of the Eat Pray Love series. Supposedly entitled “Eat Pray Love: Advanced.” At this point, we should really rename this whole thing “Broke Nostalgic and Jaded.” Enjoy! (Or don’t. We’re too busy being cynical to really care.)

Eat:

You’ve been off the meal plan since sophomore year. You no longer remember what “platinum” ever meant, and “unlimited” is a thing of the distant past. The Art History talk you went to this afternoon ran out of pizza the minute you showed up. You’re also broke. Go to Westside and eat soup samples until they have to tell you, “You’ve had enough soup. Please go home.”

Pray:

The Cathedral is a great place to have an Experience. Go sit in one of the pews and meditate on the beauty surrounding you. It’s so majestic, it’s almost too much. Realize that if God is going to hear you out anywhere it would be right here. Then start sobbing because God isn’t answering any of your questions. The tourists are horrified and also taking pictures.

Love:

The freshmen are cute but too innocent and half of them are probably virgins. Anyone of potential interest in your own year has either been fucked already or has too many mutual friends that you’ve fucked. And besides, undergrads don’t know what love even is. Graduate students are all high-functioning alcoholics. Dating an investment banker makes you feel like you’re betraying Bernie. Only celebrities and real adult human beings with families live in Manhattan, but you feel depressed every time you go to Bushwick for a tinder date/dinner party/supposedly fun thing you’ll never do again. To be quite honest, you are beginning to realize how much you love your parents. At least there’s that.

Senior year in a nutshell via Shutterstock