Now, we bring you the second installment in our Eat, Pray, Love series. One sophomore Bwogger, who wishes to remain anonymous, brings you their experience eating, praying, and loving around Morningside Heights. Let’s call this level “intermediate.”
Goodbye first year meal plan, hello
cooking on your own upperclassman meal plan! In your sophomore year, swipes actually mean something. No more Saturday night meal quota refresh. Nah, this is the real world, and for some, the real world means no more meal swipes (see: FLIP, Swipes, etc). Other, more financially privileged/indulgent students, choose to remain completely dependent on the faithful goods and services provided by Columbia Dining. (It should be noted that most upperclassmen operate somewhere between these two extremes).
All that being said, where and what you eat during your sophomore year isn’t really worth talking about; it’s how much you eat that’s important. Did that Freshman Fifteen stay past its welcome? Fear not. It’s scientifically proven that an indirect result of the Sophomore Slump is weight loss. Why? Let me explain. The Sophomore Slump can be defined as “having extraordinarily low levels of motivation to do work.” This lack of motivation causes large amounts of work to accumulate over time. Once due dates roll around, The Sophomore is forced to complete their essays, readings, and problem sets under harsh time constraints. These time constraints don’t allow for thoughtful eating. Instead, The Sophomore turns to a diet consisting exclusively of Venti Iced White Mocha’s and prescribed stimulants (courtesy of their family doctor, of course).
No longer being the youngest kid on campus means people respect you more (sometimes). That’s why sophomore year is the perfect time to cash in on this new found respect, and take over every leadership position imaginable. Have no journalistic experience? That’s fine, become editor-and-chief* of a publication. Start your own credit union. Join a sorority and become social chair. Become RA of a lower floor in Carman and get incredible housing. And the best part about this is that no one will question you, because you’re not a freshman anymore! Fake it ’till you make it, right? Just make sure you stay humble, and be sure to throw out a quick prayer or two between those four club meetings you have every Sunday.
Admit it: your first year on campus was a mess. You probably tried (and failed) to maintain a long distance relationship, and had it blow up in your face come April. You probably also made that relationship open at some point, which means you had, at the very least, fifteen or twenty different hotties join you in your Twin XL between November and May for quaint ‘Netflix & Spliff’ nights.
That was the past, though, and You’re Grown Now, which means that old hoe life is a thing of the past. It’s time to buckle down and wife up, and as everyone knows, there’s only one way to properly do that at Columbia: by downloading
Bumble Tinder. That’s right, the God of dating apps. Let finding a soulmate be your religion this semester, and Tinder your bible. Sort through all those gross Marymount Manhattan, Manhattan College, and Manhattan School of Music thots, and you’re bound to eventually find yourself a nice upperclassmen, or, even better, a grad student at Columbia. Start up a conversation with one of your matches, and invite them to get coffee with you at Hungarian (or don’t). Test the waters, see where things go, and if the person isn’t the right one for you, then hey, you’re still probably going to get sex out of the ordeal.
Let’s Go To The Beach-each, Let’s Go Get Away via Shutterstock