Want to partake in some late night ~discourse~ with the social justice warriors on your newsfeed? Bwog has got you covered. Take a quick study break and check out our full coverage of Orgo Night: the Columbia University Marching Band’s semi-annual performance in Butler 209 on the night before the Organic Chemistry exam. You can also read through the official transcript below. Be sure to stay tuned for our full review of the performance tomorrow!

[Roar]

{SANTA}

Ladies and gentlemen, and organic chemistry students, back despite the impenetrable safe space wall, it’s the most intellectually dangerous band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Penis Joke!

[Fanfare]

{RON}

Featuring:

J. Paris: Going up in flames.

J. Terrorists: Blowing up for fame.

J. Ferris: Stairs

[Fanfare]

{SANTA}

Welcomes itself back to spirited, saccharine, strangely antiseptic, sedulous, sententious, sesquipedalian, semicircular, semi­centennial, solipsistic, recently renovated, yet still in need of renovation! College Library, where the shelves are long­lasting, but sadly not the men, and the women are checked out but long overdue. As well as Turkish missiles going up, Russian planes going down, and Syria at an all­time fuck, the Band now presents its 62nd consecutive, 69th semi­annual drive to lower the curve in Organic Chemistry while consummating the world’s largest simultaneous Orgo! And so, in the interest of everyone’s enjoyment:

{SANTA}

SEAS students, please turn off your Android devices.

{RON}

GS students, please turn up your hearing aids.

{SANTA}

CC students, please set your cell phones to vibrate.

{RON}

Barnard students, please set your vibrators to phone. Let’s start the show!

[Who Owns]

{JOKE 1 ­ ACTIVISM}

{SANTA}

Recently it seems, things have been firing up all over campus, from the Hartley laundry room to your post­Chipotle butthole. The Carman Facebook group argued over whether it’s worse to live on the 8th floor and have to wait for the elevator, or to live on the 13th floor and be trans. Student Worker Solidarity had the gall to ask that they be paid a Sweetgreen salad per hour. Things are so crazy that nobody noticed when the “Jews Control the World” guy took his sign and moved on to a more receptive part of New York—Trump Tower.

But everyone’s favorite anti­Semite isn’t the only campus activist who hasn’t been showing up this semester. Like a Columbia boy after a one night stand, No Red Tape faded away. Like a fetus on the black market, Radical C.U.N.T.S. broke apart. Like a Palestinian child after a beachside excursion, SJP has been MIA. And just like the polar bears, Columbia Divest for Climate Justice is a group none of us care about.

Still, at least Columbia Divest has been trying to meet with PrezBo about Columbia’s $400 million invested in fossil fuels—that’s roughly the cost of one dose of AIDS medication or 200 private Wu Tang Clan albums. After months of threatening civil disobedience, Columbia Divest was finally ready to pull the trigger, like the Planned Parenthood shooter after that baby parts joke we just made. But, at the last minute, they were caught up in the red tape of how to incorporate No Red Tape… along with Student Worker Solidarity, the International Socialist Organization, and, because they realized they were severely lacking, black people.

By creating the Student Power Coalition—[Ron whispers] wait, they changed their name, the Barnard Columbia Solidarity Network—[Ron whispers] whoops, it’s just changed again, Columbia for the Eradication of People Who Disagree With Us—student activists have become what they’ve always hated: a bloated, ineffective, dick­sucking bureaucracy. That’s right, just like a CPS therapist, activists are supposed to be here to help you, but are so disorganized they can’t even find a time to meet. Eventually though, they all managed to pull their heads out of each other’s asses, rising up to start the first all­you­can­protest­buffet, except at this buffet there’s no choice because you’re force­fed everything.

Now, according to activists, you’re only allowed to care about the environment if you’re an atheist socialist that didn’t use a French flag filter on Facebook. And a group like No Red Tape, whose mission statement once again should be pretty simple—“Don’t Rape People”—has been forced by the radical protest community to make themselves more intersexual­­ I mean intersectional—“Don’t Rape People, You Dirty Jew.” By creating this do­gooder do­nothing super­pac, activist organizations forced together should finally be realizing something about themselves: they’re all impossible to work with. Which is weird, because they literally have to do one thing—do things. Ultimately, what this means is Columbia activists have become less effective than abstinence in the Bible Belt.

In honor of standing up for what you believe in, the band now marches into Low and plays “I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked in This Office.”

[I KNEW YOU WERE TROUBLE]

{JOKE 2 ­ FOOTBALL}

{RON}

As the world witnessed terrorists explode outside a stadium, we witnessed the football team implode inside a stadium. While everyone watches as Trump spewed offensive lines, no one watched the Lion’s lack of an offensive line. And everybody lost it when that dentist killed Cecil the Lion, yet nobody cared that the Lions killed the losing streak. The Lions ushered in a new era, by winning their first game in two years and remaining undefeated for an entire week.

We’re going to come right out and say it: this doesn’t mean our team is good at football. Hell, we’re still not sure this team even plays football. We only won 2 out of 10 games. 20% is still a hard F. Or, if you’re in SEAS, a hard B+. The worst thing is now we’re just the team that loses all the time instead of being the team that’s best at losing. At Cornell, we lost 0­3. That’s as pathetic as the Paris attacker who only managed to blow up himself. And Brown beat us faster than their police officers beat a Latino student. For fuck’s sake, former coach Pete Mangurian, the guy who thought ignoring concussions made them go away, won three games in his first year here. Really makes you think…too bad the team can’t anymore. What’s incredible to us is that the administration still cares about football, throwing money at the program as if a new field, new uniforms, and new coach will magically give us players who are good enough to pass a football… Lit Hum. And we know students don’t actually care, except for that one guy who dresses in the Roaree costume, because football game attendance is still worse than the next Eagles of Death Metal concert. But after only two wins everyone seems to be intoxicated by school spirit and football players can finally say they score on the weekends without using roofies. It just goes to show that, even at a school like Columbia, football is so revered that when you’re the captain of a 2­win team, everyone forgets that you committed a hate crime your sophomore year. In honor of the #NewEra, the band now forms our new head coach and

In honor of the #NewEra, the band now forms our new head coach and plays, “You Can Call Me Al Bagnoli.”

[YOU CAN CALL ME AL]

{JOKE 3 ­ BARNARD}

{SANTA}

Barnard’s administration—for a school that has all but denied any culpability in the campus rape epidemic, it seems happy to fuck over its students at every turn. It’s almost as if they value the flowered magnolia more than its deflowered student named Magnolia. Unless you’re Dean Hinkson, in which case you value Magnolia more than every other student on campus who’s not crying. For example, the admin moved to change their winter break housing policy, bed—after sign­ins. The proposed policy change would allow only “mission critical” students to stay on campus, like tour guides, athletes, or Dean Hinkson, the work­study girl who gives undercuts in the Diana. But it didn’t take long before petitions, Facebook posts, and op­eds prompted SGA to abandon the role of being DSpar’s clitsucker and solve the issue with Dean Hinkson’s most potent weapon—a pandering mass email. Now, Barnard students in need of winter break housing will only have to prove they’re actually homeless, by harassing deans as they come and go from Morton­Williams.

Those aren’t the only changes affecting students. Barnard also decided to withdraw its funding for CUE, which, for those of you that don’t know, is like COOP for fat kids with asthma. Another problem is yeast infections—the second most foul thing on Barnard’s campus since Dean Hinkson took office. Also, students are feeling sentimental over the decaying, rotten husk that is Lehman Library, whose destruction has forced them to find new, secluded places to study, like their professor’s apartment the morning after. But not all of Barnard’s problems are Dean Hinkson. Frat boys sloppily constructed a “No Girls Aloud” fort, which was probably modeled after the sloppily constructed Lerner Hall. They also passed around a petition to repeal the 19th Amendment, which was mistaken for the Greek Council’s decision that women only count as 1/3rd of a person.

Shortly after its creation, the fort went down faster than a Barnard girl. Students rushed in to dismantle the oppressive, violent, global patriarchy—by which we mean, they cleaned up the boys’ mess and headed back to their kitchens. All of this of course means some freshmen Dean Hinkson proteges decided to write the most blow­hard op­ed we’ve seen since, well, the last op­ed Spec published. The op­ed, entitled “Barnard’s Not Here For Your Entertainment,” insisted that Barnard and its students aren’t a punchline—well, this is pretty awkward. In honor of blowing hard, the band now forms Dean Hinkson and plays, “Barnard Girl.”

[BARBIE GIRL]

{JOKE 4 ­ IVY LEAGUE}

{RON}

The countdown to the 2016 election means taking a hard look at the internal politics and culture of one of America’s oldest institutions: it’s alienating to minorities, committed to “traditional values,” ruled by financial interests, and views dissenting voices as a threat.

Yes, The Ivy League, the Grand Old Party of sports conferences, home to the rich, white, and self­obsessed. When you look at the candidates in the presidential race, they each bear resemblance to one of America’s top schools.

Jeb Bush is the Harvard of the Republican candidates, showing promise despite only getting into the race thanks to family connections. Unfortunately for Jeb and Harvard, both managed to lose debates to men who admitted to stabbing someone. Not to mention, their guaranteed #1 ranking was lost to some obscenely rich orange asshole. Of course, we mean Princeton and Trump, because both of them suddenly spiked to #1 in the polls despite clearly being fuckboys with bad hair. Also, Trump’s stance on immigration seems to be directly pulled from Princeton’s admissions policy: Muslims and Mexicans need not apply.

Dartmouth College is running for president in the form of John Kasich. Confusing to pronounce, boringly white, and hailing from the middle of nowhere, Kasich’s campaign follows the Dartmouth school motto — a voice crying out in the wilderness. (Plus, if you look into his eyes, you can see deep down in his soul that he’s fucked a sheep).Cornell is an Ivy League school as much as Carly Fiorina is a politician —

Cornell is an Ivy League school as much as Carly Fiorina is a politician — only technically, with no merits or accomplishments. With her made­up facts about Planned Parenthood, she sounds as educated as a Cornell alum. And, at HP, Carly left as many people unemployed as the Cornell School of Hotel Administration.

We were going to have Bobby Jindal be Brown because… I mean, it’s kind of obvious… he went there! Unfortunately, like the Brown alum he is, he couldn’t manage to pass/fail the presidential election and dropped out. But with Jindal pulling out, we’ve decided the only other candidate for Brown is Marco Rubio because… I mean, it’s also kind of obvious… they’ll talk a lot about diversity, but they’re really just asses.

Speaking of asses, let’s not forget the democrats! Having spent decades as Bill’s #2, Hillary Clinton embodies her law­ma mater, Yale. She, too, was fraught with an email scandal, except that while Yale’s emails caused their approval to plummet to President Bush­levels, Hillary’s scandal will earn her the democratic nomination.

Finally, you are what you tweet, so Columbia is Bernie Sanders. While Hillary’s Yale might be the Blue Ivy ahead in the ranks, the true blue among us just can’t say no to idealistic liberal extremism. Which is why, like Bernie, most of us will soon be unemployed.

In honor of the democratic process, the band forms everyone’s favorite news source and plays, “What Does The Bigoted Racist Say?”.

{JOKE 5 ­ NATIONAL RACISM}

{SANTA}

In 2015, white people—for the second year in a row—have been forced to acknowledge that other people exist. It’s been a great year for hip hop, with instant classics from Drake, Kendrick Lamar, and Lin­Manuel Miranda. It was also the year white people learned about the phrase “whip and nae nae.” 2015 also saw some of the most diverse casting in television history from critically acclaimed shows like Master of None, Fresh off the Boat, and Empire. It’s nice to see mainstream media casting people of color in roles other than “looter,” “thug,” or “math nerd.”

Despite all this, 2015 was also a great year for racism. We saw continued high­profile police violence in the murder of Laquan Macdonald. Chicago police officers involved in the cover­up thought they could take the Burger King security footage to go and “Have it Their Way.” In Minneapolis, the Black Lives Matter movement began protesting after Jamar Clark’s murder by the police. Soon after, the cops allegedly hired NRA hitmen to kill the protesters, which is precisely the kind of PR move we’ve come to expect from police. This circle of racist right­wing skullfuckery dominates national discourse, at least until tomorrow’s Star Wars premiere.

Tensions also flared at the University of Missouri, where after a month of students of color protesting ineffectively, the football team went on strike­­ because the only thing more scary to a white man from Missouri than an educated black man, is a black man not playing football. Within two days, the president resigned. That’s crazy—our football team went on strike for two whole years and Prezbo actually got a raise.

Likewise, Dartmouth’s Black Lives Matter group has gotten attention for a recent protest and it seems they and the band have a very similar understanding of what it means to form a safe space: storm a library, scream a little, and piss everyone else off. Though, we must say, the band prefers to beat drums rather than random people.

To make things worse, now we’ve got the Donald Trump campaign bringing hatred back to the mainstream. Fans love how he “says what everyone thinks but is too afraid to say.” Though, based on what he’s saying, it seems more like he’s actually just too afraid to think. Let the Trump campaign be a lesson to us at Columbia: some groups, like Trump supporters, should be marginalized.

In honor of ass­backwards opinions, the band now travels to 1950 and plays Time Warp.

[TIME WARP]

{JOKE 6 ­ CAMPUS RACISM}

{RON}

This semester, Mizzou wasn’t the only school experiencing racial conflict, as Yale students reminded us every fucking day. Yes, they got an equal amount of attention for screaming about an email which essentially said that they should all be smart enough to avoid offensive Halloween costumes. “Of course we are!” said one Yalie dressed as Darth Jenner. Meanwhile, Princeton is grappling with the legacy of former University President Woodrow Wilson, who was racist even by the standards of America a hundred years ago, or Long Island today. And frankly, it’s impressive that he could be so behind the times. He’s kind of like your friend who just found out about Serial… the breakfast food, not the podcast. But Princeton has moved beyond Wilson’s repugnant racial theories, as recent generations of Princeton students have proved that people of color are just as capable as white people of being elitist dickholes.

And this semester, Columbia’s seen its own share of controversies: A recent op­ed revealed that at Basketball Mania, one of the most historically oppressed groups in this country suffered another blow. That’s right, women’s basketball players. The op­ed accused their pep rally dance routine, which featured players twerking with basketballs stuffed in their shorts, of being “a modern minstrel show, featuring a bunch of slam dunking Rachel Dolezal wannabes.” Though we agree the performance was pretty tasteless, if only because it featured white people dancing at all, we don’t think protesting was the right solution. In fact, the small group of 8 activists practically tripled the number of people in attendance. Plus, we think it’s actually a little transphobic to say that the women’s team isn’t allowed to have balls in their shorts.

The bottom line is, when Missourians are being threatened with supremacist violence, Chicagoans are being gunned down by police, and Muslims are being scapegoated by an entire political party, it really puts your twitter activism into perspective #ThisHomeworkIsLiterallyKillingMe #NoPrideAllPrejudice #StayWokeinThis8:40. After all, not everyone’s problems can be solved as easily as using a color swatch system to match students with CC professors.

One thing’s for sure though, racism isn’t dead. And neither are the baby boomers making Facebook statuses which say: “College kids these days are too sensitive. We didn’t have protests when I went to school—hell, we didn’t even have black people.”

In honor of navigating racial issues, the band now forms a Twitter slacktivist and plays Bound 2 ##

[BOUND 2]

{SANTA}

Well, that’s all for us tonight, folks. But before we go, we’d like to leave you with a few study hints for the big Orgo exam tomorrow:

{RON}

Avogadro’s number is to a mole what Avocado’s number is to guacamole.

{SANTA}

Organic chemistry is like regular chemistry, but it costs more.

{RON}

The ring forming reaction involving azide groups on an alkane is known as a click reaction. When you put a ring on her finger, it’s known as a clit reaction.

{SANTA}

And finally, in chemistry, elements that are not part of the solution are part of the precipitate, whereas, at Columbia, students who are not part of the solution are part of the Band!

{RON}

Thanks and good night folks! Try not to break any bookcases on your way

out!

[Raw]