I’ve been having serious cravings lately. I really miss home-cooked meals and the tastes that I am accustomed to. All the food here is too colorful. But do you know what I’m really missing? Some good, ole-fashioned, sweaty white dick.
Dear Cheesecake lover,
Don’t ever feel like you’re alone! Columbia is an incredibly diverse school, with people from all over the country and indeed, all over the world. Plenty of students here are homesick, longing for things that just aren’t available at Columbia, whether that means good weather or authentic food of any tradition—and when they can’t meet their desires, the solution is complicated, emotional, and involves coming to terms with Columbia. Luckily for you, dear tipster, you don’t have to jump through hoops to get what you want; there is no emotional grappling for you. We assure you, white dick is perfectly plentiful here.
If the “sweaty” part is what really appeals to you, we have a few suggestions for where you can get your fix. If you’re a first year, the Carman elevators might be your best bet. Filled with lumbering, occasionally belligerent, but mostly gentle athletes (who look at you with disdain when you take the elevator to a lower floor), these elevators are the prime spot to scope out people coming back from practice, drenched in sweat and pheromones. Make sure to save your spot early in the morning so you can ride up and down all day! If athlete culture doesn’t appeal to you, there’s always Dodge. Stand next to weight-lifting stations and offer to spot people, and remember to take a good whiff when you get close.
For all we know, you might be on the athletic side yourself, so consider stationing yourself near Knox on a Monday morning. When a dazed Harmony resident races past you, already five minutes late for his 8:40 and perspiring from the panic of missing his quiz, jog beside him. Offer a smile. We’ve attended plenty of flirting workshops, and friendliness is the way to get close to that dick.
Figuring out “white” is a bit trickier since, as we’ve mentioned, Columbia is a pretty diverse school. Our one tip would be for you to go a frat party on Frat Row or EC, because there are a few frats that skew white. If you’re nonwhite, consider baring your teeth as you flirt. White teeth (dental hygiene is important) might remind your mark of the color of his own skin, and pointing out similarities never hurts!
Then again, you can hit the trifecta if you just do the readings for CC and go to class. There’s plenty of (1) ole-fashioned, (2) sweaty, (3) white dick in that class, as Columbia students are wont to point out. Let them inseminate your mind with their ideas, as their modern-day counterpoints stare you down in class and snort while you clearly BS your way through the discussion. Mmmm, condescension.
We hope you found this helpful, Cheesecake! We really believe in your ability to get it. Keep us posted.