Do you ever feel like a headless stuffed animal in an EC stairwell? We sure do.

Not only is spring break over, spring is actually broken. We’re pretty sure it was snowing a little this morning. Why must you do this to us, NYC weather? Haven’t we been punished enough? Did we break spring break, or did spring break break us? We just don’t know.

Broke Spring Break:

• Performed at Carnegie Hall.
• Went home to Boston. Drank Dunkin iced coffee every day.
• Stayed at a friend’s beach house in Fort Meyers and felt #2blessed2bestressed so I didn’t do any homework which was really nice and forced me to relax, also there was no wifi there so I could not actually do any homework.
• Finally watched Mad Max: Fury Road and almost cried over the strong female friendships in that movie.
• Had my friend cut off most of my hair, partially because my mom told me I looked like a dirty hippie, partially because I wanted to make my sexuality and age more ambiguous.
• Related: Didn’t donate the hair to Locks of Love because I suck and I’m a bad Samaritan.
• Bought both an Audre Lorde book and a copy of the Vagina Monologues book on one trip to the Strand; the cashier guessed pretty easily that I go to Barnard.
• Took an edible before I flew home to make the flight as great as possible.
• Saw some dolphins while on a beach walk, considered swimming with them, then thought I should respect/fear nature from afar.
• Ate Excellent Dumplings at the Excellent Dumpling House.
• Was offered a job by a world famous jazz singer in Whole Foods. I said no but she gave me her address anyway.
• Brought two cartons of cigarettes from Indian territory to Columbia to sell/smoke. Now I don’t have to pay exorbitant prices for cigarettes.
• Got day drunk with my grandparents, multiple times
• Had secks in a burrito restaurant’s bathroom (they only sold burritos. this was not an actual Mexican restaurant??). My head accidentally activated the automatic sink and water poured directly onto my head but it was still A+
• Walked around my neighbourhood late at night smoking cigs and people gave me weird looks but I didn’t care.
• Got a thumbs up from a woman on the subway when she saw me chug a mini bottle of vodka; she proceeded to tell me “It’s ok it’s Friday”
• My period waited to start until the day after my s.o. went back to their college – I think this is the first time in my life I’ve actually been grateful to my menstrual cycle.
• Went back home to California and remembered what good weather feels like
• Got badly sunburnt but it’s already fading to tan so that’s #nice
• Spent a family dinner sexting
• Got a stunning 8 hours of sleep a night for the duration of break.
• Found out my Monday 10:10 was cancelled
• Wrote a Bwog post about sucking dick next to a nosy old couple on the plane

Broken By Spring Break:

• Hung out with my little sibs (as usual, people thought they were my kids).
• Went to the new hipster coffee shop in my New England small town. They had cold brew on tap. I wanted to scratch my eyes out over the gentrification.
• Went to like five doctors over the break to figure out what’s wrong with me. Found out absolutely nothing but I did pay a lot of copays.
• Went to 1020 alone, everyone was middle aged, left alone
• Ordered a kids mac n cheese from Urth Caffe every day while in Los Angeles
• Almost missed my flight to San Fran because I was dumb enough to take public transportation all the way to JFK (involved 3 subway changes, a long island railroad stint, and a leg on the “airtrain”).
• Upside: My mom gave me money for food because I saved $70 on travel.
• Was flipped off by my mom at the ballet
• Went to Miami and didn’t do any partying because my body was wiped out.
• Attempted and failed to get into my old high school because they didn’t recognize me, even after pointing out my name on the wall for “academic achievement”
• Was seated in the middle of two men on the flight back home and the one to my right was sleeping and from time to time he would punch me
• Guy next to me on flight home ordered three mini wine bottles, tried to order a fourth, and when they explained that the alcohol had been stowed for the plane’s descent, he threw a middle aged man fit.
• Went to San Francisco and stayed at a hostel in a neighborhood called the Tenderloin
• And then: Had to call 911 for a woman on drugs beating up a man on the street. took place right outside my hostel. I <3 Tenderloin.
• Got drunk after the Bwog meeting then ran 10 miles because I felt unhealthy.
• Downloaded Tinder again after deleting it during midterms. Remembered how sad it is to use when I’m home because a bunch of people I went to high school with come up.
• Snorted adderall for the first time
• Let my best friend message every person I’m into with a ‘let’s hang’ text, would never have had the balls myself. Nothing came of it.
• Went to LA and saw no famous people
• Came back from California and got to dorm around midnight. My roommate supposed to be on vacation. Our door is unlocked, the light is on, looks like a tornado of snacks, clothes, and hair has hit the room, and someone’s slept in my bed without even bothering to make it. I’m standing in shock and my roommate walks in door. Her flight was canceled and she never left. The worst part is that I posted a “bye, California” instagram earlier in the day so she totally knew I was coming back and could’ve cleared her her tracks.
• My mom visited me for my birthday but just made me do my taxes
• Related: My mom also brought me six cans of olives but I don’t have a can opener nor a need for hundreds of olives
• Was surprised that bars outside NYC close before 4 AM. 1020 has spoiled me.
• Played in Riverside Park with my roomie and almost got stuck in the playground tunnel
• Bitch slapped a pigeon because it flew too close to me and I got scared
• Realized that I sent the article written for Bwog about not getting a summer internship into an internship application’s writing sample
• Did not get catcalled for entire week in LA until the last day when an old woman came up to me and did it
• TSA guy took my brand new SheaMoisture hair products that I had just bought off Buy/Sell/Trade and I was highkey pissed.
• Realized I had a Chinese essay due approximately 10 minutes ago. I didn’t do it.
• Didn’t get laid lmao

If you think your weekends are more impressive and/or more deplorable than ours, tell us about it – email tips@bwog.com or use our anonymous tip form.

Bwog’s new mascot via tipster