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Template For Spineless Administrative Emails

Hey girl, wanna learn to email like me?

Hey girl, wanna learn to email like me?

Always wanted to write like PrezBo but just not quite sure how? Bwog’s got answers. From careful analysis of past administrative emails, we’ve learned several tips and tricks to writing an inoffensive yet meaningful message to the student body of an university in the face of a troubling political event, like the one that occurred Friday. Our template can be applied to other administrators with slight changes, including, but not limited to: Deantini, Dean Hinkson, DSpar, and provosts and registrars.

Firstly, you should probably write the message at least 24 hours after the national event has occurred. Any sooner, and it will be obvious that you didn’t actually spend any time writing the email. For example, in the case of Trump’s ban on immigration last Friday, PrezBo’s appropriate response was sent Sunday at 12:54 a.m. This is an excellent time to send emails, as most students probably won’t receive it until the morning, limiting its shock value and potential for offense.

You’ll want to use vague yet profound adjectives at the start of paragraphs. Some favorites are “many,” “fundamental,” “practical,” “essential,” “critical,” “important,” “interesting,” “concerning,” and “intriguing.”

You should also organize your email in a clear manner, likely through delineating your points (even though said points may seem neither distinct nor separate) with numbers. I.e. “first,” “second,” “third,” and so on.

Additionally, usage of the passive voice is extremely important in emails such as these. This tense lends a necessary layer of detachment and formality to a message that could otherwise come across as comforting and/or hopeful.

Another important aspects of writing this email is using the first-person plural. You’ll want to use “we” and “us” as many times as possible in order to show solidarity with students. After all, they’re our equals.

On that note, another important word to use is “solidarity,” and its sister words, “support” and “unity.” We’re all in this together, folks.

Recognize that your email may be picked up and posted by sites like Bwog, or forwarded to families by distressed students. This means parents and/or alums may read/skim your email, so you’ll want to use an impressive vocabulary. We’ve already mentioned some important adjectives above, but nouns and verbs are also dope and necessary parts of speech. Here are some good ones: “terminate,” “prompt,” “decry,” “self-evidence,” “national interest,” “security,” “financial planning,” “apprehension,” and “viewpoints.”

Lastly, don’t end your email with too clear of a message. It’s best to be ambiguous yet firm, as opposed to opinionated and/or optimistic. You don’t want to be misquoted out of context, after all.

Well, that’s it folks, and good luck letter-writing!

Photo via Dartmouth

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