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Trying so hard to just make sense of it all.
You meet a cute guy in your class. You introduce yourself, talk casually about the class, and hope that you don’t expel verbal vomit. The conversation continues as you continue to talk after class, joke about the professor and complain about the work load. You become suspicious of your present circumstances as the universe appears to be working in your favor. Everything goes well until he drops the smallest but most crucial detail. Your first-year hopes shatter as he drops the nuke of all nukes:
He’s a GS student.
GS is a mixed bag. Whether they are fresh out of high school or 35 and married with three kids, there needs to be a way to figure out the only important question: How old are they? Bwog is here to help out the entire Columbia community with some hard hitting calculations!
Let’s start with the average undergraduate college age: 20.
If they have grey hair, come in late to class, or are drinking out of a flask, just stop now. If they’re not a lifelong learner, they are way too old. Take a hike.
If they call you “kid,” add five years.
If they have eaten in Hewitt, subtract four years.
If they surround themselves with younger looking people, it’s a trap: add three years.
Can you see them playing the role of a high schooler in a CW TV show? Add ten years.
If they mention high school exams, or high school in general, subtract five years.
Do they explain their tattoos with a detailed and painful backstory? Add three years.
If they’ve served in the military: thank them for their service and add six years.
What’s hiding in that thick (and impressive) beard of theirs? Ten years. Add them.
If they have been CAVA’d: subtract three years.
You can trust our accuracy: Bwog has been crunching numbers for years. If you are still not satisfied with your results, you could just ask how old they are.
Image via Pixabay
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7 Comments
@Anonymous mmmn
@jahir jahir is …………………………………………… great
@Buungster sub to my youtube channel Buungster
@Simple alum As a self-proclaimed “wise” alum, is it so hard to comprehend that one can recognize something as an intended joke and still find it substantially and consequentially offensive? Maybe you should try Columbia again.
@Senex This is just offensive. One benefit of being older: the maturity and wisdom to know not to post such a denigrating article.
@Old and wise alum And the loss of a sense of humour that would recognise this as a joke?
@alum I was in GS. Graduated in ’13. I was 27 when I enrolled. I met a few girls in class and instantly “hit it off” with a few of them. Things never really escalated from in-class flirtations however because the whole thing felt kind of creepy. I remember talking to this one girl after class – she might have been a Barnard student. She wanted to get coffee, but, since the class ended at 5 or 6 pm -can’t remember, I said that we should grab a “drink” instead. She said that she was only 19 . I was 29 at the time, but I suspect that she didn’t know old I was. I told her that I was 10 years older than her and basically walked politely away. I kind of felt like a creep for even pausing the matter to begin with. It was also really strange that she couldn’t go to a bar and grab a drink. Like, that idea was so strange to me at 29 on a much broader level. As I walked away I thought, here’s this person, living in NYC, an adult, and she can’t hit up a bar and gab a drink? NYC is basically the city of bars. It’s bars are one of the things that makes NYC so unique and awesome. It sucks that traditional undergrads can’t really explore the bar scene until their senior year.