Dean Valentini in 2011 chewing a bite of a grilled chicken sandwich from Milano Market.

Why would a robot need to eat organic matter?

Do all emails from the Presidents and Deans sound the same to you? We’ve written before on some tendencies that we’ve noticed in emails coming from campus administrators. Practically the same email comes clogging up your inbox every week, and you can’t even reply-all asking to be taken off the listserv.

If they all sound so robotic, could we create an email of our own? Using Markov chain modelling, we generated an entirely computer-written email. For our input, we used fifteen emails from Dean James J. Valentini from the last year and a half. Then, we ran our programs, separated out the totally incomprehensibly chaff, and added a couple of punctuation marks.

What follows is… well, it’s English, mostly. The chain did have some issues, such as occasionally getting stuck in loops. Robot Valentini couldn’t keep track of admin titles, and so accidentally demoted Bollinger down to Vice President (Vice PrezBo, as the kids call him). The email also announces that the College will team up with the McBain Lounge to pilot a new program, the Columbia College Student Council! Check it out below for all the insanity.

Dear Students,

This summer, I spent time reflecting on the fifth floor of Lerner Hall, 100 Carman Hall, 600 W. 113th St, Room 2BB, and 102 Broadway Hall. I am devastated to be writing to let you know that we have many effective students at Columbia. I have developed new skills necessary to cope with the student health and wellness efforts. Staff from offices, including clinicians from Counseling and Psychological Services, is launching a new website and will schedule recurring trainings to remind you that you will one day tell stories about yourself and those around you.

Also, I encourage you to achieve the goals that Columbia College and Vice President Bollinger announced at the #StartupColumbia Festival in April. This is an opportunity to explore your world, to explore your world, to explore your world, and to explore additional areas of interest through elective coursework.

Columbia College and the McBain Main Lounge will be piloting the Columbia College Student Council, a new foundation of programs and policies which will give you and your classmates the opportunity to participate in other aspects of life.

I am fully committed to the hospital on Thursday, March 9, 6:30-8 p.m.

Finally, Your advisers in the Berick Center for Career Education will go into effect when you return to campus in Fall 2017.

Think about what you will meet with the stresses of college life, make wise lifestyle choices and be academically successful.

Roar, Lion(s), Roar!

James J. Valentini
Dean of Columbia Engineering

James J. Valentini

James J. Valentini
Dean of Columbia College entrepreneurs, the best of luck in this competition!

Roar, Lion(s), Roar,

James J. Valentini
Dean of Columbia College student support, and inclusion that defines our student body.

Our favorite image of Deantini via Bwog Staff