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Columbia Dorms As Seasons of American Horror Story

Hogwarts? Who She? Columbia doesn’t rock the residential college system and Ryan Murphy doesn’t dig the whole network tv thing either.

October can’t come soon enough. To get his spook on, senior Bwogger Leo Bevilacqua decided to sort through his love-hate relationship with Ryan Murphy in a productive way. 

MURDER HOUSE (Carman) – Where the horror begins quite literally. Plus, some unfortunate upperclassmen find themselves trapped in this liminal space for years to come as RA’s. Those who do escape promptly avoid it at all costs, avoiding each new shipment of the doomed and overtly anxious. What’s more frightening than cinder block walls and nervous energy?

ASYLUM (Wien) – Besides the pervasive rumors that Wien is a leftover of the insane asylum that occupied Morningside before Columbia, the space itself has a kind of monastic set-up. Its corridor style hallways with identical singles with low-watt institution lighting, and a sink serve prison realness. Could totally see Jessica Lange doing the “Name Game” dance sequence in the strangely ornate, fancy lounge.

COVEN (Sulz Tower) – Bold. Beautiful. Casual satanism. Like the witches in Coven, I’d think twice before fucking with these Barnard upperclasswomen. Recall what happened to that rower that urinated/broke furniture in their midst. Probably the best season and at least one of the best housing options available. If you want to read Tarot, chat about astrology, engage in crystal therapy, cast some spells or listen to Stevie Nicks, this is the place for you.

FREAK SHOW (Broadway) – Such a mixed bag. These sad, homebodies that are usually English Comp Lit majors closely resemble the plight of the freaks in this troubled, disappointing season. However, there is the occasional preppy/student-athlete type, a la Dandy Mott, who ends up here. Kind of depressingly mediocre.

HOTEL (Hartley) – Not only is the hospitality desk in its lobby but it is the oldest Columbia dorm. Can totally see the ghosts of Allen Ginsberg, Jack Kerouac, William S. Burroughs and that dude they shot haunting this somewhat grand yet sordid housing option. Even the celebrity of it, like the season, can’t save it though. However, there is something vintage, classy and accessible about this season/dorm.

ROANOKE (John Jay) – Where America/some erudite frosh began and then disappear. Like the ‘Lost Colony,’ access to food supply is central. Something weirdly colonial and problematic about this convenient but boring housing option/season. Plus, the elevator drama last year pretty much solidified its reputation as the fussiest dorm, which would make it similar to the season’s tiresome ensemble portraying narcissistic, annoying celebrities.

CULT (EC) – You quite literally need to create one to get a townhouse. Also, the amount of questionable Kool-Aid there is to drink on weekends is pretty Jonestown. Pretty sure the behavior that Barnard Frosh express in order to get a sign-in can be classified as cultish. Lowkey awful but yet you all keep coming back for more.

APOCALYPSE (Schapiro) – A crowd pleaser. Ryan Murphy and the Housing Gods present an option that will likely suffice. The Sky lounge is pretty cool just like the fact that Jessica Lange is making her long overdue return. It sports a variety of performance venues/studios, which is as artsy as this season promises to be.

***BONUS***

SCREAM QUEENS (‘Owl House’) – Lowkey a great option. Bravo Ryan Murphy and Housing Gods for rolling this option out after a formerly prominent frat’s demise. Very betchy. There’s like a huge attic apartment suite, which is so fetch.

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