What if I told you I could make this… taste good?

New guest writer and self-described coffee snob Sophie Tobin gives you all the tips for transforming Columbia’s shitty dining hall coffee into something actually palatable.

Listen, I’m not a snob when it comes to most things. BUT. I’ve had the misfortune of developing a pretty snobby palette when it comes to coffee, making the dining hall coffee something I have come to avoid at all costs. Not only is it the most watered down brew you could imagine, but it tends to taste like actual bile if you don’t completely overload it with cream and sugar (especially in Hewitt. What the hell are they brewing down there?! Upon my first ever sip, I genuinely gagged. GAGGED. Why, why, why?).

Personally, I’ve resorted to brewing “Death Wish Coffee,” aka the strongest coffee you can legally buy, and that usually keeps me good for the day. Peet’s is great, and I’ll occasionally brave the line at Liz’s Place, but other than that I’m a pretty do-it-yourself type of gal when it comes to my caffeine boosts. But sometimes your Keurig is on the fritz, and you’re almost out of dining points, so you’re left with only one option: the dining hall coffee you’ve been trying oh-so-hard to avoid. And if you’re anything like me, you would almost rather go without than gag that stuff down by itself. Thus, I bring you:

A Coffee Snob’s Guide To Columbia Dining Decoctions

(A general note: as I mentioned earlier, the dining hall coffee is extremely diluted, so you’re going to need to consume any of the following in mass quantities in order to see any effect. But that’s how it is when you just take this coffee black, so it might as well taste good as you chug it down, right?)

  • John Jay: Drop a small dollop (who am I kidding, add as much as you goddamn please) of Nutella into an empty mug. Add hot coffee and cream. You’re welcome.
  • Ferris: Their plethora of flavored syrups is headed in the right direction. However, the trick is avoiding overdoing it with the syrup, because, being sugar-free, they can have some pretty weird aftertastes. Add half the amount of syrup you think you need, then add some actual sugar. Adjust ratio as needed.
  • JJ’s Place: I’m gonna keep it real with you chief: if you’re going to JJ’s for COFFEE, you probably have a problem that their watered down stuff can’t solve. That said, the “Death Wish Coffee” I mentioned earlier is a great investment. You can buy it on Amazon. It’s amazing; the reviews speak for themselves. Only use it in case of an emergency, though (but again, if you’re going to JJ’s for coffee, it probably is an emergency).
  • Hewitt: Don’t. Just… don’t. But on a real note: mix one part hot coffee to one part “cappuccino” (which is basically just hot chocolate), and try to ignore the suspicious aftertaste that comes with their coffee no matter what you add to it.
  • Diana: Just take the L and go to Liz’s Place.

Space for experimentation via the Bwog Archives