I don’t know who in the heck even made this masterpiece but it pretty much just made my day

Maybe you’re an upperclassman who has run out of freshmen who are willing to swipe you into JJ’s Place. Or perhaps you’re a freshman yourself, preparing for the hell that is not having that backstage pass to JJ’s Place. In the interests of the people, we here at Bwog have decided to compile a very useful, very valid list of ways to sneak into JJ’s.

Disclaimer: This post is meant to be a satirical take on an aspect of Columbia student life. Bwog does not actually approve of and/or condone sneaking into university dining halls.

  1. Take the subway there. On a weekend when there’s supposedly “planned work” on the 1 line, ignore the paper sign and go down into the 116th station anyway. When the train arrives on the downtown track (because it will), tell the operator the secret password, which is “overnight oats.” The train will then take you straight through to JJ’s.
  2. Dig yourself a hole into JJ’s. Go to the John Jay lobby. Then, jump in the same spot 138 times, until you have a made a man-sized hole wide enough for your to crawl down and grab some of those sweet, sweet chicken wings.
  3. Swipe a Cornell ID. We tried this one here at Bwog, and we can confirm 100% that this works.
  4. Capitalize upon the positioning of the solar system to practice some dark magic. Legend has it that if you whisper “Jonathan Jay’s Place” into the mirror 5 times on the night of a full moon while drinking a REAL Jamba Juice, you’ll be granted a CUID with unlimited JJ’s swipes.
  5. Take notes from Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz. Click your heels three times in front of the overly-aggressive air conditioning units in John Jay Hall. The air will then reverse directions, taking you in and directly to JJ’s.
  6. Dress up as a giant crinkle cut french fry. Walk right in. Enough said.
  7. Ally yourself with the Rat King of Lerner. Go to Lerner. Then, find the secret tunnel that the rat king of Lerner Hall and his minions have chewed through the walls straight across campus and into JJ’s Place.
  8. Time travel to 1788. Locate John Jay, who has fallen ill upon writing the fourth federalist paper. While he is weakened, take his life and assume the identity of “John Jay.” Help complete the Federalist papers, and then donate to Columbia. Subsequently declare in your will that 200 years from now a child will be born who will share your name and who will have unlimited swipes to a so-called, “Jonathan Jay’s Place.” Go 200 years forward in time, and grow up and enjoy the sweet innocence of childhood. Take time to stop 9/11 or do whatever else you want to do, then enjoy your free JJ’s swipes upon reaching adulthood.

That new green smoothie kinda looks like puke though :/ via Bwog Archives